Top Chef Recap: Everybody Goes Home For Being Terrible At Top Chef

Welcome back to your Happy Nice Time People Top Chef Recap except it is not very happy or nice because MAN are you as bored with this season as we are? We realize calling something “boring” over and over again is itself boring. WE ARE AWARE, OKAY? Here, let us change our attitude. WELCOME BACK TO YOUR HAPPY NICE TIME PEOPLE TOP CHEF RECAP WHOOOOHOOOOOO! ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCCCCCKKKKK????

All the chefs are talking about Michael going home, and we do not care right? Perhaps like me you have a very good reason for not listening while they are jabbering, like, perhaps like me you were poaching an egg to put on your sort of nicoise-ish salad, because eggs ARE NOT OVER.

Here is John Besh. He looks like he is wearing makeup? Are you wearing makeup John Besh?

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Here is our RAV 4 commercial, because we were not bored enough already. Later we will have commercials for cream cheese, like, that will be the entire challenge: cook us up some cream cheese. Look, Top Chef producers, we totally get it about having to make some muneez so’s you can pay your managing editor and your other managing editor and your freelance bloggers and your server costs and your rent (hahaha, like you can pay your rent; that is what the nice foreigners from AirBnB are for!) and also keep Padma in designer duds. If you look at our page or that of our sister site,, you will see sooooo many ads packed in that it is like a hoarder’s house of ads. Banners! Other banners! Widgets! A thing in the middle of the post! Something that halfway sort of autoplays but only if your cursor is on it right then! Oh no, this pile of banner ads has a cat skeleton underneath it! The Department of Health would like to have a chat!

So yeah, we get it. But really, a WHOLE CREAM CHEESE CHALLENGE? COME ON.

OK, they are at a farm, that is nice. Farms are good. AMERICANS WIN AT ALL THE FARMING, if you do not count Italy maybe, or that Japanese dude my mom is in love with. Or any of the other countries, really, what do farming, but anyway, USA USA! Now we are gonna cook some tomatoes, YEAH. SHOW ME AWESOME THINGS TO DO WITH BEAUTIFUL TOMATOES.

All the contestants take about 100 minutes talking about Creole tomatoes, they are all like “Creole tomato? It’s a great tomato.” Cool. I like great tomatoes.

Here is a toads in a hole with a tomato. Here is a squashblossom with a tomato. Here is another squashblossom with another tomato. Here is a tomato and watermelon. Here is a watermelon and tomato. And Travis — in-the-closet-to-his-dad-poor-fucked-up-Asian-Fever Travis — makes a tomato and steak salad. Oh, TRAVIS. SOMEBODY JUST WENT HOME FOR MAKING A TOMATO SALAD. What does Travis have to say about his tomato and steak salad?

“Am I taking this Creole tomato and making it the star? Probably not.” IT IS A TOMATO SALAD. HOW IS THE TOMATO NOT THE STAR OF A TOMATO SALAD. TRAVIS GET OFF MY TEEVEE.

Somebody should just put some salt on a tomato slice and be like BOOYAH. THIS CREOLE TOMATO IS ALREADY GOD’S PERFECTION, IT NEEDS NOTHING, I WIN. That is what I would do.

Bene claims “they call me Bene Tomato,” and I am gonna go with “Bene is a fucking liar.”

Nina is doing watermelon tomato soup, chilled ice cold, with squash blossoms. It is going to be yum, because “Nina.”

Stephanie, the blond girl, is blanking, and she does watermelon tomato salad with feta and avocado, and I am sad for her, because that is what I would make if I were not just putting salt on a tomato, and, like, I am not even a good home cook for a home cook. She joins me in my sadness.

Oooh, Carlos’s is gorgeous, poached tomoatoes iwth red onions cilantro jalapeno and basil.

Somebody does caramelized melon, I forget, but it’s gorgeous.

Justin does a tomato tartare with burrata. Tomato tartare? Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t that be … A TOMATO SALAD? God, the way these people name their shit is basically the same as reading artists’ statements on a gallery wall. Just stop it.

Patty’s “tastes better than it looks,” Padma says without smiling. Oh, Patty, you are sucking so hard this season.

OK, Nina wins duh. She has immunity, but (SPOILER) she is going to win the cream cheese challenge anyway, for a FourPeat.


Top Chef Recap: Everybody Goes Home For Being Terrible At Top Chef

But oh no, it is a branded challenge for Philadelphia cream cheese, because every farm-hearty-rustic meal always has cream cheese in it. (That’s dumb.) Also, haha, difficulty level, YOU CANNOT USE BUTTER SO FUCK YOU CHEFS. Do any of you readers actually cook with butter? I know they do in restaurants, and that is why everything is delicious and also why you should not eat out every night even if you are really rich and really lazy. I do not cook with butter. Olive oil only, because HEART HEALTH! Whatever, I am getting as boring as this show.

Now they are smelling things on the farm, that is nice. And they are bonfiring. Nina says Bene is like her best friend. Well, if Nina likes Bene, maybe I like Bene, she has excellent taste in people so far. (Remember? Because she hated Michael? Okay, good, we are all on the same page.)

Sara does not like that she’s stuck in the middle of the pack. “I’m better than that. I know I’m better than that.” But we have not actually seen any evidence of you being better than that, Sara. Maybe it is time to show us!

OK, they are at La Provence, John Besh’s restaurant. Here is the menu! Here is a picture!


John Besh is going to murder that chicken, for you to eat! La Hospitalite!

Travis is cutting the vegetables in a “unique way.” It’s so boring not to get to hate him anymore because he is just a sadsack loser (although one with a problem with criticism that is at least mildly hateable).

And here’s the problem with this season so far, besides that they already sent home most of the douches. We are told that Nina is killing it, along with Carrie and a couple of other women. Maybe it’s the dull challenges so far, but absolutely none of the food looks amazing, or fantastical, or even at all creative. And the plating has tended toward bowls full of slop; we are not gifted with the sight of exquisitely carved and crafted items to make up for our inability to taste. Plus, the challenge is cook some cream cheese.

Somebody is making a funnel cake that looks fucking gross. I am sad that whoever that is is making it.

Nina is doing a puree of eggplant, with cream cheese.

Justin is doing something mushroomy and roast duck.

Travis has fucked up the butchering of his lamb. Oh Travis, you are falling apart.

Hello Michael Gulotta, August executive chef who has actually left August to start his own place so is no longer August executive chef.

Chef Michael Gulotta of August - New Orleans, LA

Michael Gulotta and all John Besh’s other executive chefs are here to eat some Top Chef fare and not be very impressed by it, because of how this season is not impressive. Tom Colicchio’s resting bitchface is making an appearance more and more often. Not only are the producers fucking up the challenges, but they seem to have fucked up the casting as well. Nobody is very impressive.

Oh look, Sara did not have enough time to cook her lambchops because of a pastry bag. She should probably blame her team, right?

Patty has made a snapper crudo, and it looks lovely, although in the following picture it sort of looks like mucous :(

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Brian does zucchine tagliatelle with oysters (THEY ARE SALTY).

Carlos makes baby beets and pickled carrots with peach habanero cream cheese sauce.

Nina does a crispy zucchini blossoms. (SPOILER AGAIN NINA WINS.)

Sara is presenting a lamb stuffed with cream cheese, curry powder, and Tom makes a SUPER BITCHFACE. All of them say it is undercooked, so Sara is totally going home :(

Bene makes a chicken breast that looks like a wrinkly face. He is sad.

Carrie went “gloopy and soupy,” according to Gayle, which is not like Carrie at all.

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Bene made accidentally steamed potatoes and paprika, and Tom says, quote, “Steamed potatoes and paprika, what are you even doing here?” Tom is as sick of these subpar chefs as the viewers are.

Travis’s lamb is woefully inconsistent. Besh loved his. Others were raw.

Nicholas’s funnel cake is curved and tapered, like a poo. Also, it is a funnel cake. (Gross.)

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They love Nicholas’s carrot cake that went with the poo cake.

The cheftestants are watching the judges, and Travis ONCE AGAIN denies is like “INCORRECT, JUDGES!” while the judges slag him. He is petulant!

Top is Nina with the eggplant cream cheese, Nicholas with the peaches and carrots and poo funnel cake, and Justin’s duck. Nina wins. (SPOILER.) “No way,” she murmurs and tries to look surprised, because humility. Ol’ Four in a Row Nina up there, winnin’ all the challenges.

Bottom is Bene, Sara and Travis. Sara is straightforard and doesn’t try to say anything but it was her fault for time management, and she wasn’t happy with her dish. We don’t hate Sara. She is confident, and “shows leadership,” even though sometimes that leadership gets them in the bottom, but she is usually self-aware. She can be a dick sometimes, but not always? We don’t necessarily like her, but we don’t hate her either.

Travis liked the flavor of his lamb and his sauce. Tom is bitchface about a sloppy plate again. Also, the vegetables were mush. Oh, it was the “interesting shapes” that got him in trouble.

Bene, whatever, he steamed his taters. Nina loves Travis and Bene and hopes they don’t go home. She does not say the same about Sara, oddly!

Aw, bye Bene. You weren’t hateful, just boring and seemingly untalented, and why they let caterers be on the show to humiliate themselves is anyone’s guess.


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TV Show: Top Chef

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