Jul 30, 2017
Top Chef Gets Its Gumbo Ya Yas Out
Previously, on Top Chef!
The contestants have just finished cooking allllll day and sitting around while Colicchio and Padma decide which of them is the worst alllll night. And guess what! It is time for them to cook some more, because apparently the Top Chef producers have turned into Tyra from America’s Next Top Model and are just fucking with errrrebody. Now? They get to cook as long as they would like to through the night, and then they will have 15 minutes the next morning to magic up some gumbo. We are pretty sure you could do a gumbo in 15 minutes easy, so we do not see why they don’t all just smoke a bowl and go to sleep.
Hahaha, you cannot cook a gumbo in 15 minutes, because it takes two-and-a-half hours just to make your roux! We knew that, we were just joshing you!
For this reason, many idiots will skip the roux altogether, and just make goulash. This seems risky!
Gabe Delahaye who used to be so good at Videogum but he is not at Videogum anymore (do you guys read Videogum? It is still great!) used to call the actual cooking part of the show “shop shop shop cook cook cook” but for real I wish the cooking took about 45 minutes and then the eating and judging took the other 15. Right? Don’t you love watching them slice corn and shit? Do you really care about their trials and tribulations and like backstory, where they are all “I have a dead grandma!” “I am a fighter because martial arts!” “I really miss my eight months pregnant wife but guess she shouldn’t have got herself in trouble, huh?”
Michael, who is from New Orleans, sexplains that he cooks gumbo every day at his restaurant because it is in New Orleans duh, and probably says like he could do it in his sleep with his nutsack tied behind his back. We will assume that Michael will be going home.
Somebody does Asian Italian fusion gumbo? YOU ARE A LUNATIC, PERSON WHOSE NAME WE DID NOT CATCH. (Tip to Bravo: when your hashtag and website URL are onscreen, it is better if they are not actually blocking the name of the contestant especially since it is only week two and there are still 428 of them.)
Shirtless comes up with a “Polish gumbo” that sounds amazing, but is sort of just a goulash we think, with beets, and cabbage, and probably whatever else is in goulash because of how he sort of basically made goulash. Or a deconstructed (unblended, unsouped) borscht. Mmmm, fuckin’ borscht.
So the contestants are making gumbo for Leah Chase. She is a beautiful old black woman, a little stooped and with a cane, but her face is still unlined. She has sassy yet elegant, short, well-coiffed lavender silver hair. She is kind to the chefs, kinder than she should. “When I see all these young beautiful chefs, that makes me happy,” she says. “When I see all those women, that makes me happier!”
Everybody has added Asian flavors, or curry, or more Asian, or more curry, or Mexican spices to their gumbo. Padma and Leah Chase are inscrutably polite and pleasant.
Carrie — our cute Seattle girl — presents a gumbo that is bright baby shit green; she has tried to hide it beneath with wide layers of toppings of things like “crunchy corn,” but it just looks like a bad Seven Layer Dip. She looks stricken.
How is Shirtless’s beets-and-cabbage gumbo? Leah Chase agrees that he should have made his beets into a borscht, because of how BORSCHT IS AWESOME. Does Shirtless take her suggestion and thank her for her decades of experience and expertise? “IT’S BULLSHIT,” he says. “I KNOW IT TASTED GOOD.” Oh, I see, you’re going to suck.
Let’s break this down for Shirtless, who we are starting to believe might like himself a little too much: A) BEETS ARE NOT GUMBO, IDIOT. B) Leah Chase, the legendary New Orleans chef, has decided not to be an old fuddy-duddy about it, and has graciously declined to scream at you about your RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR GUMBO. Instead, she has gone with what you served, into your Polish culture, and given you a suggestion. C) Which you have suggested is beneath you, because you are better than this legend person. D) And you should die now.
Oooh, Carrie from Seattle and/or Iowa with the eyes and the baby shit wins the quickfire!
Hahaha, Leah Chase is talking about she was 83 years old after Katrina, and the Pope might have quit, but she didn’t quit. Lame fuckin’ Pope. Fuckin’ cool old lady.
ELimination: Make lunch for Habitat for Humanity in a food truck. Susan Spicer is guest judge. They will work (terribly, mostly) in teams.
Rockabilly has a giant fucking crush, which she is trying unsuccessfully to hide, on Louis. All the girls are like “show us your dreamy smile, Louis,” acting like they are just kidding, but they are kidding on the square dudes, for real.
Bene from New York is getting cold shouldered by his team, who thinks he’s a neanderthal. Maybe he is? Or maybe it’s his accent, we guess we will find out!
Local guy Michael — who’s a little jittery and thrown off by being in the bottom for the Quickfire despite cooking gumbo every day for 10 years — throws the kids a crawfish boil, and they decide to keep one as a pet and throw it in the hot tub. That does not seem like an optimal environment for a crawfish! Idiots!
Now they are all out at the Habitat sites, and Bene is sad because his team is treating him like a servant. When they lose, he will discount any responsibility and then Padma and Tom will say WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE A DISH HENGH HENGH etc.
OK, Sandy, who has been in the bottom for pretty much everything so far, is really having trouble; what she thinks is “perfectly executed” Colicchio finds bland and ill-seasoned. And Shirtless didn’t roll his salmon rolls to order, but he will roll his eyes to order, when he gets any kind of criticism! It’s so much easier for him when the women keep coming and ordering more and making embarrassed middle-aged eyes at him, the kind of shamed lusty middle-aged eyes I would try to hide from Channing Tatum. They judge this based on abs, right?
Green and Yellow are top.
Blue and Red are bottom. Yellow wins. Carrie wins again with her empanadas, twice in one day, so she will go home next week, it is the Law.
And Blue loses, and it is gonna be a shitshow of bus-throwing. Shirtless and Sandy will duke it out.
Bret is all, “I am surprised we are here, we had food left over!” The judges call him stupid for thinking it was good that they had food left over, since that meant people weren’t coming back for more. This is Top Chef, not Top Hoarding Canned Goods in Your Basement for the Zombie Apocalypse! Also they hated his stupid hot ceviche.
Ok, the judges are kind of Chopped-style offended by every dish on the Blue side, like Tom will not shut up about a bland slice of tomato. He is OFFENDED that you served him this bland slice of TOMATO!
Aaaaand, I’m wrong again.
Bye, Shirtless. You suck and are the worst and I hate you, for sucking.
Oh, also: I just looked at the Bravo site trolling for HOT PIX, and it turns out the gumbo challenge was always “make a gumbo inspired by your heritage,” so, way to recap, me! Very good attention to detail, I am sure. So yeah, that not-a-borscht probably made sense.