Toomorrow (1970) (part 10 of 10)

As the group comes on stage we get shots from the audience of Smart Chick, Zombie Sylvana, Matt (whew! He made it! The “D” plot is officially resolved), and some other blonde dressed like Heidi cheering, and Doesn’t-Love-the-Big-Beat Amy applauding tepidly. She’s doing that thing where you applaud only on the lower half of your palm. What’s that called? A golf clap? I thought that was what Tiger Woods got when he slept around.

Caption contributed by Mark

Little known fact: Diana Prince hates Britpop.

The group launches into “If You Can’t Be Hurt”, which goes like this:

”If You Can’t Be Hurt”
Written by:
Mark Barkan & Ritchie Adams
Performed by: Toomorrow

If you can’t be hurt, you can’t be happy
How you gonna laugh if you can’t cry
If you can’t be hurt, you can’t be happy
You can’t be happy unless you try

Life is a gamble, it’s true
For every highway there’s a rocky road, too
And you’re gonna stub your toe
Somewhere down the line, yeah
But chalk it up to living
If you can take what this life is giving
That’s a very good sign, yeah

Baby, I know you been beat
You’ve had too much bitter and not enough sweet
But if you tried it with me
Maybe you’ll be glad
It’s up to you to choose, now
If you want a chance to win or lose
Now don’t you play the game scared, yeah

Yeah, I have no idea what that was about. You know, the strangest thing about this film is, it’s actually causing me to appreciate the artistry of Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives. Seriously, no joke. Because as lame and infuriating and laughable as that movie was, and boy was it, it did the one thing a musical is supposed to do, which is use the musical numbers to help tell the story. Whereas, in this movie, the songs are cues for us to disconnect our brains, just like Barkan and Adams did when they were writing them.

Caption contributed by Mark

”Rip, rip. Rip and destroy! You know the hour’s getting late. Rip, rip. Rip and destroy! Break it down and seal your fate!”

The crowd digs the groovy tune, and they’re all up and dancing. Even Amy—who’s dancing ballet steps to the Big Beat! Man, this is one silly-ass movie. Even more hilarious, her ballet groove catches on as some random dude comes up and starts doing it alongside her!

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Mark "Scooter" Wilson

Mark is a history guy, a graphics guy, a guy for whom wryly cynical assessments of popular culture are the scallion cream cheese on the toasted everything bagel of life. He spends his time teaching modern history at Brooklyn College, pondering the ancient Romans at the CUNY Graduate Center, and conjuring maps and illustrations for ungrateful bankers at various Manhattan monoliths. Readers are welcome to guess at reasons why he's nicknamed Scooter, with the proviso that all such submissions are guaranteed to be rather more interesting than the truth. Mark lives in the Midwood section of Brooklyn with a happy-go-lucky, flop-eared dog named Chiyo who is probably, at this very moment, waiting patiently for her walkies.

Multi-Part Article: Toomorrow (1970)

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