Why Today’s US Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler’s (And Ann Coulter’s!) Worst Nightmare

Why Today's US Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler's (And Ann Coulter's!) Worst Nightmare
Today’s match is Hitler’s nightmare scenario: a US team with a German national hero as a coach plus a bunch of international players with dual citizenship, including five guys with German moms and African-American service member dads. It is also master troll Ann Coulter’s nightmare scenario because she hates soccer, and immigrants, and fun. They are both so sad today, probably, in Hell/wherever Ann Coulter lives.

Hitler would obviously hate today’s game for so very many reasons: the diversity, the intercultural nature of the United States team (players with dual citizenship from Mexico, Iceland, Norway, England, France, the Netherlands and, yes, Germany). There’s also the fact that the American coach is a Germany national hero, the very handsome (every soccer player is very handsome, probably) Jürgen Klinsmann. And that midfielder Kyle Beckerman is Jewish.

Hitler would also hate the fact that today’s German team comes from a society that is by and large progressive, highly educated, multilingual, and open to diversity. Sure, there are some racist dumbasses in Germany, but there are racist dumbasses everywhere, even in our beloved and super-perfect United States of America. Germany is awesome. Everyone should go there and visit. It is a fascinating open society that acknowledges its history while building a better now and an even better tomorrow, and yes, Germans paid me to write that cheesy shit. They also have great pretzels.

Hitler would also super-hate the fact that, despite The Great Massage Contretemps of 2006, the United States and Germany are allies and friends with many shared interests, including beer and parties, bro.

Now here is American genius Ann Coulter (who is a great troll, it must be acknowledged), in her own words, on soccer:

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

Haha, oh Ann Coulter. You are a wonderful troll and a terrible American who does not understand or love the very nature of America, which is that Americans can be from anywhere and can speak any language and still be permitted to join our own open society. Probably you hate that people are so excited about today’s game. This brings us a deep and great joy, that you and Hitler, wherever he is, are both so unhappy today. Maybe you can have a seance and talk about it, over big cups of sadness. In the meantime, we will be cheering on all the sexy players in this game. USA! USA! USA! Or GERMANY! Really, it is cool either way, since both societies are so great. (But really, USA! USA! USA! READ OUR LIVEBLOG NOW!)

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  • Yehudah ben Shlomo

    Weird – I’m going to watch and all of my great-grandparents were born here. I think that makes her wrong for the bazillionth time.It’s almost as if she’s a professional troll.

    • buricco

      She probably is…

  • Guest

    If I didn’t have any idea who Ann Coulter was I would think, “Wow, this person obviously doesn’t believe what she’s writing and is merely trolling for kicks.”But no, it’s Ann Coulter and I’m left wondering.

  • Dear Ann Coulter. Two great-great-…………-grandparents (male AND female) came over on the Mayflower. Watching soccer today. In Uruguay. Bite me (no, not you, Suárez). Your “guarantee” is invalid.I’ll decide whom I’m rooting for if it comes down to the final round between US and Uruguay. But today, “Fuck Yeah, USA” and yes it’s an “American” sport too.

  • revmatt

    My family (mothers and fathers sides both) emigrated from the UK and Germany (pre Germany) in the early to mid 1800’s. Soccer is the only sport I even casually follow.

  • HereKitty

    As an enrolled member of a federally recognized Indian tribe, I would like to cordially invite Ann Coulter to jump up her own ignorant immigrant ass.

    • jangoodell

      She probably thinks lacrosse is sissy and un-American, too.

  • Virtual Cruiser

    I got as far into the Coulter article as the opening sentence, when she typed ‘I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade . . . so as not to offend anyone.” before I started snickering. Coulter *not* wanting to offend someone? Sure…..

  • Ambignostic

    Germans paid me to write that cheesy shit


  • beavertank

    Ha! Trick question, living near Ann Coulter is hell, so wherever she goes hell follows right along with her

  • MichaelG

    The only sports I follow are English Premier League football and Formula 1. I am a bad American.

  • jangoodell

    My ancestor-men fought in the American Revolution (on the right side), AND I’ve been watching the World Cup. Suck it Ann…

  • AKGrrl

    I watch soccer and have WASP bona fides going back to Colonial times, hell, there’s even a Tory branch to the family that went to Canada. So much for your ” I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer” you weaseling johnny come lately nouveau trash.

  • Pat_Pending

    Under the “Hell Is Other People” category, Ann Coulter is Hell.

  • MissieMegs

    My great-grandparents were all born in New England (but not WASP’s, mostly Irish immigrants) and my father who will be 90 next year and fought in WW2 played soccer in his high school and has always told us that he was disappointed that the war came along because he would have liked to try out for a professional/collegiate team (apparently he was that good). So, not only does my father watch soccer, so do all his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Ann Coulter is full of it.