Jul 16, 2014
Why Today’s US Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler’s (And Ann Coulter’s!) Worst Nightmare
Today’s match is Hitler’s nightmare scenario: a US team with a German national hero as a coach plus a bunch of international players with dual citizenship, including five guys with German moms and African-American service member dads. It is also master troll Ann Coulter’s nightmare scenario because she hates soccer, and immigrants, and fun. They are both so sad today, probably, in Hell/wherever Ann Coulter lives.
Hitler would obviously hate today’s game for so very many reasons: the diversity, the intercultural nature of the United States team (players with dual citizenship from Mexico, Iceland, Norway, England, France, the Netherlands and, yes, Germany). There’s also the fact that the American coach is a Germany national hero, the very handsome (every soccer player is very handsome, probably) Jürgen Klinsmann. And that midfielder Kyle Beckerman is Jewish.
Hitler would also hate the fact that today’s German team comes from a society that is by and large progressive, highly educated, multilingual, and open to diversity. Sure, there are some racist dumbasses in Germany, but there are racist dumbasses everywhere, even in our beloved and super-perfect United States of America. Germany is awesome. Everyone should go there and visit. It is a fascinating open society that acknowledges its history while building a better now and an even better tomorrow, and yes, Germans paid me to write that cheesy shit. They also have great pretzels.
Hitler would also super-hate the fact that, despite The Great Massage Contretemps of 2006, the United States and Germany are allies and friends with many shared interests, including beer and parties, bro.
Now here is American genius Ann Coulter (who is a great troll, it must be acknowledged), in her own words, on soccer:
If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.
Haha, oh Ann Coulter. You are a wonderful troll and a terrible American who does not understand or love the very nature of America, which is that Americans can be from anywhere and can speak any language and still be permitted to join our own open society. Probably you hate that people are so excited about today’s game. This brings us a deep and great joy, that you and Hitler, wherever he is, are both so unhappy today. Maybe you can have a seance and talk about it, over big cups of sadness. In the meantime, we will be cheering on all the sexy players in this game. USA! USA! USA! Or GERMANY! Really, it is cool either way, since both societies are so great. (But really, USA! USA! USA! READ OUR LIVEBLOG NOW!)