Dec 14, 2020
Tobacco Flavored Vodka Exists, And Someone Needs To Suffer For This
You know how it is. You mention that you heard a thing on NPR about Hello Kitty Beer, and suddenly you’re the disgusting flavored alcohol correspondent. (This is almost certainly how Victoria Jackson got a job on SNL.) So now I have been tasked with telling you good decent people about this thing that actually exists called “Ivanabitch Tobacco Flavored Vodka.” I must plead a certain degree of ignorance, as I am not a fan of either A) Tobacco, or B) Vodka. Then again, from the idiot dudebro name to the Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans cachet of the flavoring — both regular tobacco and menthol — everything about this product insists that it’s designed as a one-time novelty / challenge purchase anyway, so that people can spend $20 and say “Yeah, I tried that tobacco vodka.” You can’t really imagine more than a few people really developing a taste for it, but with a range of other more conventional fruit flavored vodkas, it’s a way to get the brand name known.
The brave souls at Foodbeast tried it. Their verdict:
1. This tastes EXACTLY like cigarettes. Sorry, no cupcake-flavored vodka here.
2. There is also a “Menthol” version. For those of you who prefer your cigarette-flavored liquor to carry a minty aftertaste.
3. The company that makes it describes itself as “fun, irreverent and yes, a little insane. OK, more than a little insane. Was it the liquor? Perhaps. Was it a marriage of first cousins? More than likely.” We’d expect nothing less from a brand named “IVANABITCH.”
4. If you do decide to take swigs of this curious liquor, just know that you’re going to wake up the next morning with a mouth that tastes like ashtrays. So just make sure you have a pack of mints ready for breakfast.
With regard to the Foodbeasts’ point 3: The Ivanabitch website tries hard, painfully hard, to be wacky and fun in the way that only an ad agency understands “fun.” It is the Bataan Death March of Party Fun Time Whimsy:
We take pride in bringing you a super-premium vodka from Holland. (Yes, Holland. Kind of crazy, we know, but have you tried dealing with Russians?) If it’s that good, then it must be very expensive, right? Hell no. In fact, most retailers sell our product at a well-brand price point. Take advantage of us. We’re cool with that.
It makes you pine for the simple sincerity of Duff-Man, it does.
Heh. Russian names sound like “bitch.”