New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical

We are SO HYPED for this hot new Christian flick, Persecuted. Look at the high-profile cast: Dean Stockwell! Fox’s Gretchen Carlson! Motherfucking Fred Thompson. Bruce Davison aka the guy that turned to goo in the first X-Men movie and didn’t get invited back for the upcoming reboot! BOOM. We are going to be so evangelical by the time this thing is done.


What is your new favorite film about? Did you guess “some nonsense imaginary fever-dream that Christians are the persecuted minority, yet also the very majority and backbone, of America?” DING DING DING DING YOU ARE A WINNER.

The new movie Persecuted opening in May 2014 depicts evangelist John Luther as the last obstacle in the way of sweeping religious reform. When a Senator frames Luther for the murder of an innocent teenage girl, an unprecedented era of persecution is unleashed. An evangelist turned fugitive, Luther’s mission brings him face-to-face with the coming storm of persecution that will threaten the entire Christian community in America.

Will those devious not-Christians stop at nothing? Every day in America, conservative Christians are dragged from their beds and framed for murder, all so that we will not follow their Christlike message of hating teh gheys and shaming the slut-women.

Cue lots of raspy-voiced earnest white people! Cue James Remar, a solid Hey It’s That Guy! actor, doing lots of steely-eyed flinty-faced expressions to show his commitment to Jesus. Cue newly-bearded priest Fred Thompson!


Oh, Fred. You are probably SO MAD you didn’t get the lead in this thing. You know who is not mad? Gretchen Carlson, who (probably) got some sweet-ass Christian coin to basically play Gretchen Carlson.


Oh my god, how can you see this film RIGHT NOW? First you have to pray it will do well, duh. Next, you have to watch a 9-minute (!!!) bit of hectoring by the director and Gretchen Carlson about how freedom of religion blah blah blah under threat movie will save us all.

Did we mention it is nine minutes long? If you make it seven minutes in or so, a preacher man will come cry at you about how Christians never get access to Congress, because that is totally true. You also need to agree to drag your entire church group or soccer team or Duggar-sized family to this thing because you know no one else will go.


We cannot BELIEVE this didn’t get released in time for Oscar nominations for this year! Oh well. It will definitely sweep next year for sure, because this thing will be full-on box office boffo.

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