Thought Catalog Guy Is Very Sad He No Longer Has Hot Young Piece On The Side

Thought Catalog Guy Is Very Sad He No Longer Has Hot Young Piece On The Side

We went wandering over to Jezebel and saw that they hadn’t published a Crap Letter from a Dude in the longest time, which is a tragedy because now WE have to write about this Thought Catalog guy who wrote a love/advice letter to the young lady he left his wife for. Is it ridic? Aww yeah. Is it absurdly and unwarrantedly maudlin? Hell to the yeah. Is it self serving as fuck? Yeaaaaahhhhhh boyyyyyyy. Let’s do this.

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Step one: make sure you justify your wandering dick by declaring that your marriage was basically done.

Yes, my marriage had been all but over for four years, and we were simply limping along for the sake of our children. But cheating had not been an option.

You noble bastard! How could you carry all that weight? It was only a matter of time before your lonely self, the self you compared to Don Draper because you have no imagination whatsoever, needed the sweet and tender embrace of a younger lady. And once that happened, suddenly you were super down with the quickie divorce.

Things moved quickly after we returned home. It was barely more than a week when I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t be a cheater, and you couldn’t be a mistress. We knew what we wanted and we wanted each other.

You sound like you make really good thoughtful choices, dude! But hey, credit where credit is due. The child you took up with doesn’t sound like much of a prize either.

When you lashed out at me for no reason, called me bipolar and hurt me with your biting words, repeating over and over, “This is why I don’t want a boyfriend!” I stayed.

Pro-tip: if someone tells you they don’t want a boyfriend, oblige them. Also too pro-tip: we are not super word-policing here at Happy, but calling someone bipolar is some bullshit. [Editrix’s note: Disagree! Crap dude is probs bipolar as fuck! Call ’em like you see ’em!]

Sadly for us all, this affair for the ages, this February-May romance, was destined to fail because she dumped him after taking up with the neighbor and all her ex-boyfriends. You can almost HEAR the author whispering “slut slut slut” underneath his breath. But never fear, young lady. Boss man still loves you and wishes you only the best, and has penned his most thoughtful thoughts for you all over Thought Catalog.

Continue to work hard. You got to where you are today because you refused to stop. The sky’s the limit for you and I know you’ll go far.

Urmmm. What did she get besides sleeping with you, which does not seem like the top of the heap, prize-wise?

Continue to make your bed. I know you did it for me, but it truly made your day better. But remember too, that it doesn’t matter if you leave your bed unmade and your clothes all over the floor. You’re fantastic the way you are and those who love you don’t really care.

Lolwhut? This is your last missive to your lady love, and you wasted one of the points on remembering to make your bed? Is this a metaphor? Is this some thing that thirtysomething dudes read in one of those self-improvement books? Are you actually her dad?

Don’t let society define what life should look like. Our relationships, marriage and lives don’t need to meet a particular stereotype to be a life filled with love, happiness and success.

Translation: please please please consider taking me back even though I am old and annoying and you are hot and young because that will totally defy cultural expectations pleeeeeaaaassssseeee.

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After his Helpful Tips for Living Without Me, dude goes for the big big finish. Lady, he just can’t stroke it without dreaming of you.

I hope to once again wake up and not look for you next to me. I hope to be able to masturbate again without stopping because I can only see your body and your face.

Oh, thoughtless millennial. Why won’t you lend this dude a helping hand?

[Thought Catalog]

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