Aug 17, 2021
Once Upon a Time: Things That Make You Go "Ahhhh, Ahhh!"
Once upon a time, a sweet little mermaid named Ariel dreamed of walking on land, so she could get laid by a hot human prince.
It’s not exactly the most heroic of Life Goals, is it?
This week on Once, we learn that you can’t judge a man by the size of his (ahem) ship, or a hero/villain by his or her chosen happy ending.
The episode “Poor Unfortunate Souls” posits the idea that heroes and villains may not be all that different in terms of the type of things they desire: love, happiness, family, sex with rich studs, etc. What sets them apart is the way they go about getting those things. So it stands to reason that maybe a villain doesn’t need to “find The Author” to get his or her happy ending. He or she simply needs to take control of his or her own fate . . . and stop acting like a total asshole, of course.
In an unexpected twist, the hour actually offers up happy endings for a number of erstwhile villains: Ursula, Ursula’s kind of douchey dad, Captain Hook . . . and the metaphor for Captain Hook’s penis . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Darling It’s Better, Down Where It’s Wetter . . . (That’s what SHE said!)
Once upon a time, there was a young mermaid named Ursula, who was named after the powerful sea goddess Ursula, who once threatened Regina, after the latter impersonated her, in order to screw with young horny Ariel. (Which means there are now officially three “Ursulas” on this show, thus making “Ursula” the John Smith of Once character names . . .). Anywhoo, Ursula apparently had a pretty chill life until her mom was murdered by a pirate and her dad, Poseidon, went nutzo and decided that Ursula should become a serial killer of pirates, by basically singing them all to death.
Now that’s a great parental role model, if ever I’ve heard of one . . .
One day, while Ursula is in the process of singing Captain Hook and his shipmates to death, she develops a little thing called a conscience and stops. “You know what, dad? I’m tired of using my voice to be a pirate serial killer. I’d much rather use it to become a reality television star or Taylor Swift.”
And so, Ursula steals her dad’s bracelet, because it will allow her to walk on land like Taylor Swift . . . also because men shouldn’t really wear bracelets . . .
Though Ursula has big dreams and some vocal talent (That “Ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhh” song she was singing to kill all the pirates? Super catchy! I’ve been humming it all night myself. It’s a good thing I haven’t been operating a ship or heavy machinery, or I’d be dead.), she soon finds herself where most wannabe reality television stars/Taylor Swifts do, namely, working as a waitress at a dive bar and waiting on derelicts . . .
Enter one such derelict . . . Captain Hook!
“Hey, your voice sounds super familiar! Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Hook inquires of the now-footed Ursula.
“Yeah, I once tried to ‘AHHHHH, AHHHHH’ you to death, but stopped before I could finish the job,” Ursula explains.
“And that sentence pretty much describes my entire sex life/relationship with women,” Hook replies.
Hook really lays on the charm with Ursula. He tells her that her murderous voice is the only thing — apart from booze, boobs, wearing tight leather pants, and stealing stuff — that makes him truly happy. And to show his appreciation, Hook’s going to drop her off at her American Idol audition in Los Angeles . . . or some town called Glowerhaven that her dead mom really liked. Same difference.
Then Poseidon comes and serial kills Captain Hook, thus finishing what his daughter started . . .
Just kidding! Instead, he tells the Captain this: “I really want you to use this shell to steal my daughter’s ‘AHHHHH, AHHHs’ so she has to live under the sea with me for all eternity.”
“I’m sorry,” apologizes Hook. “I’m generally not in the practice of stealing young maiden’s ‘AHHHHH, AHHHs, at least not on purpose, and certainly not because their dad told me to do it, because that’s just creepy. Also, your Ursula decided not to serial kill me, which, by default, makes her a better woman than any of my previous ex-girlfriends.”
But Poseidon is not so easily deterred. “Steal my daughter’s ‘AHHHHH, AHHHs,’” he says, “and I’ll give you this black sh*t you can use to kill Rumpelstiltskin.”
“Rumpelstiltskin is the most powerful Evil Guy in the whole world; why would he be defeated by something as insignificant as a puddle of goo?” Hook wonders.
“Ummm . . . because it’s important to the plot that you steal my daughter’s ‘AHHHHH, AHHHs’ so that she hates you. And this is the only logical reason for you to do it?” Poseidon explains with a shrug.
But Hook doesn’t take the bait. At least not initially. Instead, he tells Ursula about her father’s evil plan to take his own daughter’s “AHHHHH, AHHHs.” Hook then propositions Ursula to steal the Rumpel-killing black goo from her father, so that he can have his cake “AHHHHHS, AHHHs,” and eat it black goo, too.
Unfortunately, Poseidon foils this plan, and an enraged Hook ends up taking Ursula’s “AHHHHH, AHHHs,” just like he promised he wouldn’t do. Devastated that all the men in Ursula’s life see her as nothing more than a bag of “AHHHHH, AHHHs” to be used, abused, and tossed aside when they are done with her, the now-jaded mermaid steals her father’s trident and turns herself into the all-powerful, all-evil, AHHHHH-AHHH-less Octopus Lady we know today.
You go, Octopussy! The psycho version of Taylor Swift from the Blank Space music video, who [Spoiler Alert] ends up murdering all her ex-boyfriends in her mansion, would be so proud of you!
What August “Nose” . . .
Meanwhile, back in the present day, Regina has a dream about her Evil Queen coitus interruptus-ing her and Robin Hood for seemingly no other reason than to enable the promo department to tease fans with scenes of the two star-crossed lovers making out . . .
She then wakes up and sends a gust of wind to possess Snow White, so the latter can tell Emma and her crew about how the Queens of Darkness and the no-longer-banished Rumpel are in the cabin paying homage to Stephen King’s Misery by torturing the now post-pubescent and exceedingly hairy August. (Sending a text message would have obviously been easier, but way less cool.)
Speaking of Hairy McBiker Dude, the former puppet initially claims he knows nothing about The Author’s identity.
But then, Rumpel makes him drink a potion that briefly turns him back into a puppet and makes his nose grow — and burn in a fire — every time he lies. And there is nothing like an impromptu reverse nose job to refresh one’s memory.
August then admits that, before he returned to Storybrooke, he met this guy The Dragon, who was also looking for the Author, and, when The Dragon died, August stole all his stuff. That’s how August got his hands on that page of the book with the picture of the door on it, which we saw Henry fondling last week.
AHHHHHH, AHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo
Ursula takes a break from all this torture and impromptu rhinoplasty to visit with her nemesis/stealer of her “AHHHHH, AHHHs,” Hook. He wants to cut her a deal. He will give her back her “AHHHHH, AHHHs” and her happy ending (kinky!) if she agrees to spill the beans on Rumpel’s nefarious plans for Emma and co.
Ursula is understandably skeptical as to whether she can trust Hook, given their history. But she ultimately agrees, seeing as she hasn’t “AHHHHHH, AHHHed” in centuries and REALLY NEEDS THAT RELEASE. (We’ve all been there. Am I right, ladies?)
Hook informs Ursula that the shell now containing her lost “AHHHHH, AHHHs” is on Hook’s ship, the Jolly Roger. If Ursula can get back the ship, she can get back the “AHHHHH, AHHHs.” It’s that simple!
The good news: Ursula uses her tentacles to retrieve the metaphor for Hook’s manhood from a portal. The bad news? It’s shrunk considerably . . . and is stuck inside a bottle. Ouch!
Hook realizes he needs Belle’s new boyfriend Will to help grow his manhood back to its original girth, which is not nearly as romantic as it sounds . . .
The process involves Will’s magic Alice in Wonderland juice, a.k.a. fairytale Viagra.
Once the symbol for Hook’s manhood is at full mast, he tries to give Ursula back her “AHHHHH, AHHHs,” but it doesn’t work. The Octopussy is still woefully AHHHHH, AHHH-less.
Furious, Ursula throws Hook overboard the Jolly Roger, leaving Hook all wet, but not in a good way.
Then Ariel appears to rescue him. As it turns out, the Jolly Roger was shrunk by none other than Queen Elsa in order to punish Blackbeard –who, you may recall, had bought Hook’s ship — when he used it to play naughty tricks on the good people of Arendelle and their rock trolls. Anywhoo, Ariel somehow got shrunk and stuck inside the bottle with the ship until Will’s fairytale Viagra made her grow along with Captain Hook’s manhood.
Ariel is extremely grateful to Hook that she is no longer fun-sized . . . so grateful, in fact, that she reunites Poseidon with his daughter Ursula, so that he can give his daughter back her “AHHHHH, AHHHs.”
(Apparently, only the person who created the spell to take your AHHHHHH, AHHH can return them. Who knew?)
Ursula is thrilled to have gotten her “AHHHHHH, AHHHs,” her happy ending, and her creepy father back in under an hour’s time! So thrilled, in fact, that before she goes back under the sea with her douchey daddy, she spills the beans to Hook of Rumpel’s plan to turn his girlfriend, Emma, into an asshole . . . just like Ursula herself used to be, until about five minutes ago.
Redemption, thy name is Octopussy . . .
Speaking of “AHHHHHH, AHHHs,” or perhaps more accurately, “Awww, awws,” Hook adorably admits to Emma that, because he’s still technically a villain, he’s afraid of losing his happy ending, like Ursula almost did.
“You already have a happy ending?” Emma asks incredulously. “Does it have something to do with the enormously large size of your ship on fairytale Viagra?”
“Of course!” Hook replies. “But also, you! You are my happy ending.”
Yeah, if that line doesn’t get you laid, nothing will
All together now, everyone! “Awwww, aww . . . .”
(Methinks there are going to be some serious “Ahhh, ahhs” going on in the Captain Swan bedroom tonight, after a speech like that . . .)
The Door Is Ajar . . . or Maybe It’s Just a Door . . .
With one less Queen of Darkness to worry about, Emma, Snow and Co. promptly break into the cabin to beat the sh*t out of Cruella and rescue Hairy August, who has some information for them about the whereabouts of The Elusive Author.
To make a long story not so short, apparently, The Author is stuck behind the picture of the door that Henry has been fondling for over a week now.
Anybody know a good picturebook locksmith in Storybrooke . . . or, perhaps, have an extra large eraser?
Until next time, my Dearies!