Mar 15, 2021
THE "WEST" WING: Our Bold Predictions for a Kanye West Presidency
We heard it on the VMAs, so it must be true . . . Kanye West is running for President in 2020. His twelve-minute long Michael Jackson Vanguard Award acceptance speech Sunday night, during which the grand announcement was made, had news pundits the world over filled with questions on Monday morning.
- How much pot is too much pot to smoke before making an acceptance speech on national television?
- Why can’t Poor Kanye buy juice for his baby girl without the checkout counter lady intimating how much America hates him?
- Is 38 years old too old to still be considered a Millennial? (Answer: YES!)
- Was Kanye’s choice of wardrobe for the awards a hint that we can expect him to guest star on Orange is the New Black next season?
- Also, did Justin Timberlake really cry over not winning a Grammy, or was Kanye merely confusing him with that Other Teary-Eyed Justin? (Pot can do that to you, sometimes.)
But nobody’s been asking the REAL question: What would a Kanye Administration actually look like?
What sort of political platforms would he support? What historic changes would he make to society as we know it? What trusted advisors would he keep by his side as he took on the formidable task of running our great nation?
Fortunately, HNTP has the answers you seek. What follows are ten predictions regarding what America might look like post-2020 if Kanye West is sitting in the Oval Office . . .
10) Recreational marijuana use will be legalized worldwide. (You no longer need to pretend you have cancer to spark a doobie. Woohoo!)
9) Cosmetic surgery can now deducted be from your taxes as a medical expense. Also healthcare providers will be required to cover certain procedures . . . like botox injections.
8) A sex swing will be installed in the Lincoln bedroom, obviously.
7) First Lady Kim Kardashian will make the White House more accessible by taking a selfie every hour on the hour inside a different room and posting it on Instagram.
6) Friday nights mean all-night parties in the White Hizzy!
5) Instead of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at school every morning, children will now be expected to recite the lyrics to Golddigger. (Holla! We want Pre-nup. We want Pre-nup!)
4) Imagine, an entire presidential cabinet composed entirely of rappers and Kardashians!
- Jay Z for Secretary of State
- 50 Cent for Defense
- Lil Wayne for Education
- Sean Combs for Commerce
- Birdman for Interior
- Busta Rhymes for Press Secretary
- Dr. Dre for Surgeon General
- M.I.A. for Veterans Affairs
3) This presidency has been brought to you by Adidas . . . the only thing you should be wearing on your feet when blowing up baddies on the other side of the world.
2) Presidential portrait? Probably something like this . . .
1) Campaign slogan? Imma Let You Finish Four Years! Yeezy 4 Preezy in 2020!
You heard it here first, political news junkies! Now the only question is, who gets to be Kanye’s running mate? Beyonce? Big Sean? Caitlyn Jenner? Place your bets in the comment section below.