Apr 8, 2009
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) (part 5 of 6)
Victoria runs, wolves chase, Bella makes her way to the cliff top, Charlie checks his dead friend for a pulse, and Victoria finally escapes from the wolves by leaping off a cliff and into the sea. Thwarted, Jacob the Wolf stands on the edge of a cliff and looks out at the water. Because, I guess… wolves can’t swim?
Meanwhile, Bella has reached a different cliff top, and she looks down at the water far below. She hears Edward’s voice telling her not to do it. She tells his disembodied voice that he wanted her to be human, so just watch! Whatever that means.
Hallucination Edward pleads with her, but she tells him too bad, because she can’t be with him any other way. And I don’t know if she thinks he might come back and vampirise her if she fatally injures herself, or if she’s just hoping for an extra-long hallucination. Either way, she’s a freak.
She takes off her jacket and jumps off the cliff. Well, she’s got chutzpah, if nothing else. I wouldn’t have the spine to do that myself. Then again, I’m not a love struck teenager.
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Bella plunges into the water, and thrashes around for a while, before managing to break the surface, grinning at the thrill. But a wave smacks her in the face and pushes her under, followed by another wave.
She flounders underwater and sees what I believe is Victoria swimming toward her. Thinking who knows what, Bella deliberately lurches backward and smashes her head on a rock, knocking herself unconscious.
Another irritating pop song starts up, while Bella does what she does best: i.e., bob around senselessly and wait for a man to show up and rescue her. Hallucination Edward appears, but doesn’t say anything, instead electing to float around aimlessly with her. Eventually, a hand pulls her away.
Naturally, Jacob is the one who’s rescued her, and he performs Movie CPR on the beach, pushing on her chest a bit and pleading with her to breathe.
She obligingly wakes up, and he asks her what the hell she was doing. Bella tells him she wanted to see something, but before she can say more, they’re intruded upon by one of the shirtless guys. This shirtless guy (Sam, I think. I can’t really tell them apart) tells Jacob to take Bella home and then go to Harry’s place to help out, what with Harry being dead and all.
Bella asks what’s going on, and Jacob explains that Harry had a heart attack, which was presumably brought on by a vampire encounter. Jacob hauls Bella off, and we pan out to sea, where Victoria rises up out of the water like Jaws and glares menacingly at the camera.
Jacob drives Bella home, and she snuggles up to him, because as a werewolf he’s perpetually warm. Why? I have no idea. I’ll tell you as soon as I figure out why vampires sparkle.
Bella comes on to him again, probably unwittingly, by saying “You’re warm. You’re like your own sun,” and getting all cuddly and whatnot, and leading him on again. Y’know, Bella, despite the whole werewolf thing, Jacob’s still a better guy than Edward. Not for you, though. You don’t deserve him. Too bad he’s destined for your newborn half-vampire infant. I swear by all that’s holy I’m not making that up. And I really, really hope they cut that out of the last movie.
They arrive at Bella’s place, still cuddled together, and Jacob says he’s glad she knows the truth about him. But he also warns her about what happened to Emily. Apparently, Sam lost his temper, and she was standing too close. Bam. And now we’ve got ourselves a nice little analogue to spousal abuse. Real pleasant. “It’s not you, baby! I just couldn’t help it! I’m a freakin’ werewolf! C’mon, baby, it’ll never happen again, promise.” Yeck.
I didn’t read the book, but I seem to recall hearing that Emily set Sam off by fighting against the whole idea of male werewolves “imprinting” on their proper mates, and the woman isn’t allowed to say no, or else. I could be mistaken, but that’s what I remember. And that’s terrible. But not as terrible as the ad I saw in Border’s the other day, which tried to get me to buy the book by asking “Have You Been Imprinted on Yet?” Fuck no, and I don’t intend to be, thanks.
But Jacob is afraid he might get angry with Bella and accidentally hurt her. He’s worried that the wolf side is going to swallow him up. Bella assures him that he won’t hurt her, and she won’t let that happen. How? She’ll tell him all the time how special he is. Okay, I’m sure that’ll work.
Jacob moves in for a kiss, but Bella backs off and settles for a hug. Watching this scene just keeps reinforcing my sympathies for Jacob. He’s easily the most likeable character in this movie, with a personal dilemma that I can sympathise with, unlike Bella’s own boring troubles.
It’s frankly depressing to see him get jerked around like this, and while it’s difficult to understand why he likes Bella that much to begin with, it’s easy to see why some people say she’s a heartless bitch in this movie. Like I said before, I don’t think she’s a bitch. I think she’s a moron.
Bella makes to leave, but Jacob roughly pulls her back. For a moment it looks like he’s going to get angry with her, and maybe even just take the damn kiss he wants so badly, but no—he’s sensed the presence of a vampire. He’s about to drive off, but Bella spots Carlisle’s car and realizes that the Cullens are back in town.
She wants to go inside and see, but Jacob tries to stop her, warning her that it’s a trick. And then he abandons that tack, saying that if the Cullens are back then this place becomes their territory again, and according to the treaty, he and his fellow wolves can’t trespass. Meaning he won’t be able to protect her.
Bella says that’s fine with her, and she starts to go inside anyway. Jacob warns she’s about to “cross a line”, not specifying which line, exactly. “Then don’t draw one,” Bella says meaninglessly, and goes into the house while Jacob walks off angrily.
Inside the house, who should Bella find waiting for her but Alice! And I especially love how Alice is just standing around in the dark, waiting to scare the shit out of Bella as soon as she turns the lights on. Hey, what’s a little breaking and entering between friends?
After recovering from the sheer terror, Bella greets her joyfully, but Alice is shocked, demanding to know why she’s still alive. Apparently, Alice had a vision of her jumping off a cliff, but didn’t see the part where she got rescued. In the books, it’s mentioned that she can’t see the werewolves in her visions. Probably because they’re not white and therefore cast out of the proper Mormon faith. Or something like that, or so the haters say.
The two relax on the couch, and Alice rightly says, “I have never met anyone more prone to life threatening idiocy!” You know a character trait has gone over the top in your story when even the other characters start pointing it out.
Alice explains that Edward’s gone off alone somewhere, and then asks why Bella has a “god-awful wet dog smell”. Bella explains, “Jacob’s… kind of… a werewolf.”
Alice is disapproving, but just then, Jacob appears behind her. He’s decided to violate the treaty, because he needed to come in and check on Bella.
Alice says she would never harm Bella, but Jacob informs her about Victoria, and lays the blame on her and the rest of the Cullens for putting Bella in danger in the first place. Alice says she never saw Victoria, or Bella’s rescue, because she can’t see beyond “you and your pack of mutts”.
Jacob goes into another steroid-induced rage, and tells her not to make him angry. And don’t back talk him, missy! Bella steps between them to keep them apart, so Alice says she’ll leave for a while and come back “as soon as you put the dog out”. Ouch, Alice. That’s just rude, and potentially racist!
Once Alice has gone, Jacob almost asks if Edward is back, but settles for asking how many Cullens are around, and how long they’ll be staying. Bella reassures him that it’s just Alice, but she can stay as long as she wants. Jacob persists, asking if the others are coming back too. Bella says no, but she’s annoyed with him now, and tells him to go back to Sam.
Jacob half apologises, and closes in for a kiss once again, saying something in Quileute which apparently means “stay with me forever”. But just before they finally kiss, the phone rings.
Jacob’s pissed off at the interruption. He picks up the phone and tells the person on the other end that Charlie’s not home right now, because he’s arranging a funeral. Then he hangs up.
Cut to the person on the other end. It’s Edward himself, standing in a crummy hotel room in Italy. More Ominous Music™ plays as he crushes his cell phone in his hand.
Back at Bella’s place, she asks who called. Jacob mutters that “he’s always in the way”, and Bella immediately guesses it was Edward. She advances on him, demanding the truth, but Jacob just tells her to stay back because he’s getting angry. Yeah, don’t upset him, or you might wind up walking into a door or accidentally falling down some stairs, hint, hint.
Alice suddenly runs in with a dire warning. She’s had a vision that Edward thinks Bella is dead, and that he’s going to the Volturi to make them suicide him. Bella finally loses her temper and yells at Jacob.
Bella: Why didn’t you let me speak to him?
Jacob: He didn’t ask for you!
Jacob: He didn’t ask for you!
Yeah! Where I come from, it’s mighty rude to take someone else’s phone calls, Bella.
Bella runs off with Alice to try and save Edward. Jacob chases after her, reminding her that Edward broke up with her. But Bella won’t let him kill himself over her, and yeah, fair enough.
Jacob keeps trying to make her stay. He finally gives up and begs. But Bella just says goodbye, and she and Alice drive off at high speed, leaving the poor guy heartbroken.
Bella and Alice then fly Virgin Airways to Italy, and I guess it’s a good thing Bella already happened to have a passport. And no, there isn’t a more sensible way of stopping Edward than rushing off to Italy, which can apparently be done fast enough to get there before he suicides. Somehow.
In Italy, Alice acquires an expensive sports car from somewhere, and she and Bella drive through the countryside at high speed.
Cut to Edward, walking through a darkened corridor. He enters the throne room of the three Volturi whom we saw before. The suitably pale-faced and mincingly evil-looking Volturi are waiting on their fancy seats, and I swear they’re straight out of Interview with the Vampire with their olde-fashionede clothes and long hair. In fact, these are more or less the most traditional vampires we’ve seen so far in this series. Or will ever see, for that matter.
Edward, red-eyed (hah!) and hoarse, asks them if they’ve made up their minds. The head Volturi tells him his gifts are too valuable to destroy, but that he’s more than welcome to join the Volturi if he wants.
Edward says forget it, and warns that they’re going to wind up killing him eventually anyway. In other words, he’s going to go break Vampire Rule #1 so they’ll be forced to suicide him. The second Volturi guy more or less gives him permission, and he walks off, leaving the first to note that this will be a sad waste.
Alice and Bella drive on, and Bella guesses that Alice stole the car. Tee-hee, etcetera. Alice then has a vision that the Volturi said no, and that Edward is going to make a scene instead. He’ll wait until noon, and then expose himself to the public.
The city comes in sight while Alice speaks. Apparently, the city is called Volterra, and I have no idea if this is a real place because I’m too lazy to google it. It’s a nice city either way. Very pretty.
And just because I feel like it, I’m going to note that the scenes in Italy are distinguished from those in Forks by being much more brightly lit, with sunshine and the use of a more yellow colour palette. It’s amazing how moviemakers use that sort of visual trick in order to set a mood. Most of the time, the audience doesn’t even notice. I guess I’ve just spent far too much time analysing movies.
The city is bustling, with people parading around in hooded red robes. Alice explains that it just so happens to be the St. Marcus’ Day festival, which commemorates the day that vampires were expelled from the city. Whether these were real vampires or just slightly weird people the locals didn’t like is never explained, nor is it explained how ordinary humans would ever be able to kick vampires out of anywhere. Maybe they had werewolves helping them?
Regardless, they drive on until they reach a blockade, and Alice tells Bella to get out and run. She does, and now we’re finally at the flash-forward seen at the start of the movie, where she pushes through a throng of people and finds a parade moving up the streets. She shoves past even more Red Riding Hood-wannabes, and stops at a fountain just as a big clock strikes noon.
Just below the clock tower, Edward appears in a doorway, unbuttoning his shirt as he walks forward. He’s going to take his shirt off, and step into the sunlight, where the inevitable sparkling will announce to all and sundry that he’s a vampire.
Does the vampire mythology in this world include sparkling? Probably not. Do the people in Volterra know more about the sparkly nature of vampires than anywhere else? No idea. All I do know is if that if he tried this in, say, my hometown, people would think he was just an asshole covered in glitter, and that would be the extent of it. There certainly wouldn’t be any shouts of “Vampire!”
…Wait. Thanks to these movies, there probably would be. Followed by jeering and eyerolls.
Bella hops over the edge of the fountain and runs through the water, but the filmmakers don’t want her to get there that quickly, because they unhelpfully force her into slow-mo.
Up ahead, Edward opens his shirt and amusingly reveals that he’s hairier than any of the shirtless werewolves we’ve seen so far. Wait, I don’t even remember him having chest hair in the last movie. I guess RPatz finally put his foot down about the waxing. I already know he refused to have his eyebrows trimmed for this movie. And good for him.
He drops the shirt, and a small girl turns to look as he steps into the sunlight. The kid watches him sparkle with evident delight in her eyes (so much for all the screams of “vampire!” he was apparently expecting), until Bella hurls herself onto him and covers him with her body.
Edward smiles blissfully and says, “Heaven,” maybe thinking he’s already dead somehow, but he comes to his senses when she talks to him. She shoves him back inside and they have a joyful and slightly tearful reunion.
Bella tells him she came just so he’d see her and know she’s alive, and therefore not kill himself. Showing surprising maturity, she tells him she’s able to let him go now.
Edward says she doesn’t have to let go, and that he couldn’t bear to live in a world without her. She points out that he was the one who broke up with her, but he says he lied, and she believed him too easily. She says of course she did, because she’s a moron.
Actually, she says she couldn’t believe that he’d ever really want her, what with her being human. But no, he says she’s everything to him, and they kiss passionately. Gag.
Two vampires turn up. Edward tells them not to bother, because he won’t be needing them to arrest him anymore. But one of them says that Aro, the head Volturi, wants to talk to him anyway. Edward tries to send Bella away, but Aro wants her, too. In a surprising show of coarseness, Edward tells them to go to hell. Wow, I guess he’s a real bad boy after all.
Alice comes bursting in, and tells everyone to relax. The two guards look unbothered by her arrival. And there was no point to that.
But then they’re interrupted by the arrival of… Evil Dakota Fanning! In other words, Dakota Fanning.
Edward greets her as “Jane”, and Jane says she’s been sent to see what’s taking so long. And I have to say, the red contact lenses are pretty effective on Dakota Fanning.
She orders them all to come along, and leads them down into an underground passage. Edward, now wearing a spare red robe they give him, advises Bella not to be scared, which earns him a contemptuous “huh!” from Dakota. That was admittedly pretty funny.
They’re taken further down in an elevator. And there’s Muzak on the elevator. I’m not making this up. Strauss, actually, which is another genuinely amusing bit.
They enter a reception area where a human secretary stands and greets them. Edward quietly tells Bella that the secretary knows about the vampires, and works with them because she wants to become one. Which she will be, one of the guards says.
“Or dessert,” Dakota says coolly. Heh. It’s so refreshing to see properly evil vampires at last.