Cut to the Cullen house that night. Edward is showing Bella a painting of the Volturi and explaining to her (and us) who they are. Short version: they’re the head vampires who enforce vampire laws. Which are, basically, that vampires have to keep themselves secret from humans. I don’t think there actually is a second vampire law. Vampire Rule #2: Refer to Vampire Rule #1.

He explains how anyone that reveals the existence of vampires to humans gets killed in the only way vampires can be killed: he gets his head ripped off by the Volturi leader. And I mean that literally; the guy actually gets torn apart, limb by limb. We knows this because the camera zooms in on the painting and the film segues into a dramatic re-enactment of what Edward describes, starring a bunch of mincing Lestat-wannabes.

“Okay, who wants a drumstick?”

Of course, this is all just random trivia, I’m sure. Edward’s just shooting the shit. I’m sure none of this will become important later in the movie.

Understandably, Bella doesn’t like to hear about this stuff, and asks him to cut it out. Edward just smirks at her uneasiness, even when she says she can’t bear the thought of anyone hurting him. To give her “comfort”, he offers up another of his charming lines.

Well gosh, thanks for letting her know, Ed. And I bet that line won’t be coming back to haunt us anytime in the next hour or so, either.

However, Bella reminds him of Victoria, the evil red-haired vampire from the first movie who’s sworn revenge on him for killing her man James. Edward’s not afraid of her either, but Bella says if he changed her into a vampire then she could protect him. Edward says she already protects him, by giving him a reason to stay alive. Argh! Movie, will you please stop it? You’re making me angry, movie, and I really advise against it.

To read the rest of this article, support the Agony Booth on Patreon.

This post is available to our patrons who pledge $2 or more per month on Patreon. Click the “Unlock with Patreon” button below to sign up with Patreon or to log in with your existing Patreon account.

Unlock with Patreon

Already a Patreon member? Refresh to access this post.