Apr 27, 2020
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) (part 1 of 6)
The Cast of Characters:
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). The hero protagonist main character girl, er, thingy? Wait, I got it, let’s start again.
The movie’s monologuer and chief moper. An ordinary human girl with a monster fetish. Bella enjoys whining, staring blankly, having fits of hysteria, and piña coladas.
Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Bella’s vampire squeeze. Edward and Bella are well-matched in the sulking and sullen-ness departments, so they break up in this movie in order to indulge each others’ taste for misery.
Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). Bella’s Native American best friend, and also a werewolf. Contrary to popular belief, werewolves are in fact completely hairless and have impeccable abs. Jacob’s job here is to get jerked around by a pathetic bimbo, thereby giving all the girls in the audience secret fantasies about offering him a shoulder to cry on once the credits roll.
The Cullens (Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, and Elizabeth Reaser). Edward’s still not-Mormon-like-at-all vampire family. The Cullens are all pale and attractive, and ludicrously wholesome given, y’know, the whole vampire thing.
Yes, that’s right, everyone, I’m back, and I’m bad. After my retirement from the Agony Booth, I had no plans to ever write another recap, but things changed. If you’re looking for someone to thank, then thank the person who wrote in and all but begged me to recap the sequel to Twilight. Since I loved writing that recap so much, it didn’t take a lot for me to decide that I should finish what I started.
Those who were on the Agony Booth forums before the first movie came out may recall me describing my plans to see the original Twilight in the cinema. I went with a friend, and we were planning to share a hip flask and have a good laugh at the movie’s expense. Unfortunately, our plans were ruined when (a) my friend had to drive us home and thus had to lay off the booze, and (b) we both enjoyed the movie against our expectations.
But all was not lost. The sequel rolled around, and I met up again with that same friend. And this time, our plan came to fruition. We shared a flask of mead and laughed ourselves stupid, and I left the cinema with a headache from laughing so much, and subsequently couldn’t actually remember a lot of what had happened in the movie.
What I do remember perfectly well, however, is that my prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.
Admittedly, New Moon retains some of the things that were good about Twilight; namely, the orchestral soundtrack (but the same can’t be said of the pop songs this time around), the cinematography (particularly the lovely autumnal colour palette), and Bella’s friends. Unfortunately, Bella’s friends have a much smaller presence this time around, but that’s balanced out a little by the fact that Robert Pattinson as Edward is also absent for most of the movie, and is replaced by a much more likeable male lead.
And on top of the vampires who aren’t actually vampires, this movie (as well as the book it’s based on) now gives us werewolves who aren’t really werewolves. In most other movies, werewolves change at the first sign of the full moon; the werewolves of New Moon mostly change when someone shoves them really hard.
But what ultimately makes the sequel far less enjoyable is the script. Quite frankly, it’s tedious and dreary, very little happens, the protagonist loses most of her spunk and likeability from the first film, and the silly elements just get sillier. There’s actually more on-screen action than last time, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like it, even if it is better directed.
So to those who said I was too nice to Twilight, here be thy balm and succour. Because this time around I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t respect it, I mocked the shit out of it when I saw it in the cinema, and I’m going to do it again now. Enjoy.