• Text / TV / With Apologies to Monty Python

The Old Dead Truth Bit

The Once Free Press: Excuse me, sir, uh, madam, I’m here to ask about the statement the President’s press secretary made about the crowd size at the inauguration…

Kellyanne Conway: Ah yes! The one and a half million people who showed up for our Great Leader, the largest crowd ever. It was…

The Once Free Press: …250,000 according to a Parks Department estimate.

Kellyanne: No, it wasn’t. It was one and a half million.

The Once Free Press: Look, I brought a photograph of the Mall. You can see the empty white space.

Kellyanne:  Empty white space? I don’t see it.

The Once Free Press [astonished, points to something in the photo]: What is this then? An army of Ku Klux Klanners photographed from on high? A circus of albino elephants symbolizing the Republican party?

Kellyanne: It’s a trick of the light.

The Once Free Press [incredulous]: A trick of the light?

Kellyanne [examining the photo]: See, over here. You can make out the people. It was the snow that made them seem invisible, that’s all.

The Once Free Press: The snow? There wasn’t any snow.

Kellyanne: Please don’t start on global warming again! That’s been repealed and replaced on all official pages by “over-regulation of the vital energy industry”.

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The Once Free Press: I’m not talking about global warming. The question is why on earth would Sean Spicer tell an obvious falsehood about the crowd size at his very first press conference?

Kellyanne: It wasn’t a lie.

The Once Free Press: Look, Ms. Conway, I know a lie when I see one. That wasn’t a million and half people. That was—

Kellyanne [waxing poetic]: The Trump Inauguration, a beautiful transition of power. Lovely ceremony!

The Once Free Press: The loveliness of the ceremony don’t enter into it! The crowd was not present. Take a look at the bleachers. There’s enough empty space to shelter all the refugees from Aleppo!

Kellyanne: Aleppo? Which happened on Obama’s watch…

The Once Free Press: Fair enough, but what about the people who aren’t there?

Kellyanne: Parts of the Mall were covered over, so no one could stand there.

The Once Free Press: But people are standing on the covering. There just aren’t a lot of them, or on the grass either.

Kellyanne [looking at the photo again]: They were just taking a bathroom break when the photo was taken.

The Once Free Press: A what? Are you suggesting that a million and a quarter people just happened to be taking a piss simultaneously?

Kellyanne: They’re regular folks. They drink a lot of beer, our supporters do.

The Once Free Press: On a Friday morning?

Kellyanne: They were celebrating!

The Once Free Press [exasperated]: They weren’t celebrating. I’m telling you they were non-existent, imaginary, a fairy tale. It was unreality television. A proven falsehood, a big fib, a fraud, a fake, a fabrication, a visit to Fantasy Island, a—

Kellyanne [grabbing the photo and marking it up]: You’re mistaken. See? There’s no white space. Look at all those figures. It’s filled up to the brim! From the White House all the way to the Washington Monument!

The Once Free Press: That was you! You just took a pen and filled it all in.

Kellyanne: No, I didn’t.

The Once Free Press: Yes, you did. We’ve got the whole thing on tape.

Kellyanne: I don’t think so.

The Once Free Press: Could you please answer my question?

Kellyanne: I already did.

The Once Free Press: No, you didn’t.

Kellyanne: Did too!

The Once Free Press: Once more: Ms. Conway, why would Sean Spicer attack the media for false reporting about the size of the crowd while he lied about the size of the crowd?

Kellyanne: He wasn’t lying.

The Once Free Press: What would you call it then?

Kellyanne: It was an alternative fact.

The Once Free Press: An alternative fact is a lie.

Kellyanne: Well, that’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it? Who can really tell with numbers? You know what numbers I care about? The number of women in poverty at the end of Barack Obama’s presidency.

The Once Free Press: But that has nothing to do with my question. I’m asking you why would—

Kellyanne: You’re a very disagreeable person. Did anyone ever tell you that?

The Once Free Press: That’s not even… look, if from day one, you’re going to lie about every little thing, then what’s the point of any of this? How can we even cover the White House?

Kellyanne: Don’t be so overly dramatic! If you’re going to be so negative, I’m really going to have to rethink our relationship.

President Trump: Kellyanne, let me take over from here.

Kellyanne: Yes, Mr. President.

President Trump [to the Once Free Press]: You’re fired.

The Once Free Press: Mr. President, I don’t work for you. You can’t fire me.

President Trump: When you’re president, you can do anything.

The Once Free Press: But what about the Constitution? The first amendment?

Kellyanne: From now on, we’ll be using an alternative version!

Marion Stein

Marion writes television recaps and reviews for the Agony Booth, and books you can find over at Amazon.

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