The Official Drinking Game of the New Picard Series

In an unprecedented step for the Star Trek franchise, it’s been announced that Sir Patrick Stewart will trek through the stars once again in a new series about the further adventures of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Picard was a natural choice for a new series: besides being a fan favorite, he’s the only member of the Next Generation cast who still looks like the same person. Dude ages in a way that makes you want to run a tachyon scan for temporal anomalies.

Number One not pictured, but rest assured, he looks like number two.

Details are pretty thin on the ground as of yet, but if you’ve watched Star Trek to any serious extent (Star Trek fans? on this site?) you’re probably going to be able to predict at least a few plot points. And what do you do when that happens? Make a drinking game out of it! Use this handy guide to seek out new libations and boldly drink what no one has drunk before.

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Take a drink if…

  • Picard says one of the things he says
  • A non-corporeal energy being possesses people
  • Picard talks about how shitty humans used to be

Take two drinks if:

  • There are new uniforms with boot cut pants or some damn thing
  • There’s an alien species that you can’t figure out how their mouths work
  • Q pervs on Picard or whichever male crew member is handy

Take three drinks if:

  • The Federation does something ethically dubious that everyone brushes off
  • The “two humans and an alien” rule is applied to historical references (“A filmmaker on the level of Hitchcock, Scorsese, or Va’trom!”)
  • Picard dorks out over mystery novels and/or Shakespeare

Take four drinks if:

  • Someone forges an inappropriate bond with a holodeck character
  • Contemporary cultural norms are applied to the Star Trek future in a way that makes it seem like it’s been that way all along
  • There’s a shoehorned-in Next Generation cast member cameo

Finish your drink if:

  • Picard recreates one of his memes
  • The crew meets a new alien society exactly like us except they don’t have, like, sports or something
  • Continuity established by Enterprise is pointedly ignored

Pour a new drink if:

  • The Prime Directive is blatantly violated with no consequences
  • Picard’s dignity is offended
  • Picard finds love but alas, it is not to be

Do a shot and shout “Engage” if:

Picard goes on a righteously angry tirade in defense of the values of the Federation

Now you have something to help you enjoy the 13 episodes of the first season of Picard, before the network inevitably decides it’s skewing too old and decides to add some graphic violence and a hot bisexual alien as Number One. Salut! 

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  • Now I’m looking forward to it! (The drinking, I mean.)

    • The_Shadow_Knows

      And the dune-buggy riding.

      • Xander

        And now between you and vince, I want this series to be nothing but Picard exploring a new planet in a dune buggy every episode.

  • vince

    what do we do if he rides a dune-buggy?

    • Xander

      I’ll admit, this made me laugh.

    • Dick Venn Diagram

      Weep silently.

  • Dick Venn Diagram

    Thank you so much for the “two humans and and an alien” rule! This is something that I’ve always noticed but never articulated.