Mar 15, 2018
The New Adventures of Wonder Woman "The Deadly Toys" (part 1 of 2)
In honor of the holiday season, and to take advantage of the upcoming Wonder Woman film and Lynda Carter’s return to TV in Supergirl, let’s take a look back at The New Adventures of Wonder Woman’s somewhat holiday-related episode from 1977 titled “The Deadly Toys”!
The article continues after these advertisements...
In a generic office boardroom in 1977, a bunch of important businessmen, scientists, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson gather to discuss the status of Project XYZ, a mysterious military project. The lead scientist announces Project XYZ is too dangerous to be implemented and they’ve destroyed all of project information, just to be safe.
The lead scientist suddenly develops a case of itchy eyes and starts blinking an excessive amount.
“Do you want some Visine or something, buddy?”
The lead scientist’s dry eyes are so bad that he spontaneously melts at the meeting.
Actually, Neil DeGrasse Tyson declares that the lead scientist was no scientist at all! He was an android! That means the real lead scientist is still out there somewhere, hopefully with all of the info on Project XYZ and none of the whining about “escalating the arms race.” We gotta beat those Soviets, dammit!
Cue Wonder Woman credits! Lynda Carter awkwardly runs (seriously, it’s almost Naruto-level bad), does some high jumps, and spins around as a chorus in the background sings, “WONDER WOMAAAAAAAAAAAN!”
Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor are on the case! In addition to finding the real lead scientist, they have to make sure the other ones aren’t also replaced by androids, especially Neil DeGrasse Tyson. His Twitter is too delightful.
“So I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other, heh heh.”
“Yes. Because I will be working on this case for you.”
“No, you misunderstand. I want to bang you.”
“And I want a TV series that can last more than three seasons. Lots of people want lots of things.”
At the science laboratory, a man is playing with some toy soldiers.
He gets angry that Diana interrupts him and threatens to cut her and then runs away. Diana chases after him.
Diana spins around and transforms into Wonder Woman to catch this strange, easily embarrassed man-child.
She does some sweet parkour…
And catches the mysterious man with her lasso of truth and orders him to, you know, tell the truth.
“What do you mean, you can’t? This is the Lasso of Truth so spill, dammit!”
“Well, I didn’t mean it like that! …I guess whatever you’re programmed for, it wasn’t the truth*.”
*= actual dialogue
Diana calls Steve Trevor and the groovy government agent guy to report on the android and to ask about why there are toy soldiers in a science lab.
“Oh those! The scientists play with the toys to help them relax.”
“Listen, I play with toys to help me relax too, but mine are way more fun than plastic military dolls.”
A delivery man delivers Neil DeGrasse Tyson a box of toy soliders to amuse himself with until the sequestering is over. Neil DeGrasse Tyson is very happy and starts playing with them immediately.
The delivery man thinks there’s something wrong about a grown man playing with kid’s toys.
But if loving toys is wrong, he doesn’t want to be right.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson gets shot by one of his toy tanks!
He then receives a mysterious phone call instructing him to leave his apartment.
An android replaces him and sneaks back into the apartment, past the unconscious deliveryman who must be given credit for passing out standing up.