May 29, 2018
The Bachelorette: ‘Cause You’re Once. Twice. Three Times Rejected!
If you’re like me, then you are very excited about what is sure to be the most misogynistic, obnoxious Bachelorette premiere ever! Yeah! Bring on the booze! This is the best part of the show—when we hate everyone and care about no one. We kick things off with host Chris “The Philosopher” Harrison defending this girl-on-girl set-up by saying, “Change is never easy.” Thanks Chris. You are VERY DEEP. So if you were wondering how this was going to go down, it’s like this: they did it for the men, people. They did it for the men. Some of the potential male contenders interviewed wanted Britt and some Katelyn. So the creative geniuses behind this marvel decided to let the male contestants vote for who gets to stay on as the Bachelorette.
C-Har takes us through a montage of Cool Kaitlyn and Stinky Britt from last season, reminding us that “Britt fell in love with Farmer Chris the first night” and that Kaitlyn let her guard down and got rejected. Well, slap on a smile, gals, ‘cause it’s time to meet the men. The show dedicates a little extra time to a few of the guys, which I assume is because they become significant? They are:
- Jonathan from Detroit. He’s on Team Brett for her “smile and bubbly personality.” He has obviously never seen the season she was on.
- Kentucky Joe. He’s Team Kaitlyn and has an overweight dog.
- Josh, who is stripping his way through law school.
- Mr. Melodies Inside Me, a.k.a. Nashville songwriter and all around dreadful guy Brady. I see a bright future for Britt and him.
- Cute Iowa Joshua seems to be the first semi-decent guy.
- Ian, a.k.a. The Flash, who, like all heroes, has a tragic story. Team Kaitlyn.
- Hubba-hubba! Self-proclaimed “Love Man” Jared. Okay, so he seems dumb but hot! He talks to his dog, he is okay by me.
- Gross healer yoga dude Tony. He is cute if you like that sorta thing. This self-declared “unique” guy talks to his plants.
- Trainer Ben Z. He likes sports!
The women awkwardly stand about 10 feet apart in front of the mansion. Kaitlyn is nervous. Britt fake smiles and nods a lot at nothing. C-Har says the men have power. Britt says, “That makes it more organic.” WTF? Kaitlyn diplomatically states that she and Britt are very “different,” which is her very nice way of saying Britt is a fake piece of trash. I wish I could hug Kaitlyn and tell her how much better she is.
The douches are coming! The douches are coming!!!
The first man out of the limo is Ben H. from Denver. He goes straight to Kaitlyn and tells her she’s beautiful—go, Ben!
Then Jonathan—who we “met” already—heads to Britt-Town and makes no bones about expressing that he likes her.
Then comes some blond dude named Clint and another guy named Ryan, and they go right over to Britt. So far it looks like we may have more Britt Boys. Oh No!
Then comes Jared, also Team Britt. L Poor Kaitlyn. At this point my faith in men is sadly, sadly low and sinking lower with every second.
Then comes awful Brady, who says that Kaitlyn is beautiful on the inside and the outside.
Then Cory heads to Kaitlyn. Then comes J.J., a former investment banker going straight to Kaitlyn! Sweet! This may be turning around for Kaitlyn after all!
And now comes Ryan, who is “obsessed” with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn momentum is gaining steadily.
Then comes law school stripper Josh, who shows us some moves, and it’s kind of creepy. Kaitlyn tells Britt she can have him.
Kentucky Joe brings Kaitlyn some moonshine—yay, Kentucky Joe.
Classic Britt: she can dish it but can’t take it. When it looked like she was in the lead for the men’s votes, she was all smiles, but now she is getting antsy.
Sean B. Personal Trainer. Group Hug. Enough said. Britt likes this guy. He made her “feel something.” But he like Kaitlyn! Burn, in your face, Britt!
Kaitlyn runs in the house to let the guys inside know there’s only a few more contestants left to show up. Britt doesn’t like Kaitlyn getting extra time with the boys and starts to get all fussy, saying, “She should play by the rules.” See, Britt plays it like, “La-la, it’s all good,” but her true colors are, “I want to win, bitch.”
Okay, Kaitlyn’s back, and out steps creepy healer Tony. He gives the same speech to Britt and Kaitlyn (he must not know about how HEARING works), and it’s horrible both times. Even Britt knows that’s bad form. Also, if you’re a healer, what’s up with the black eye?
Some guy named Ryan is getting drunk, and at this point, I’m thinking he may be my favorite guy there. He heckles another dude—who claims to be an “amateur sex coach,” as if that’s a thing—about showing up in a car with a built-in hot tub.
And Ryan’s not the only one busting a gut at the guys’ antics. Kaitlyn is the first bachelor/ette in the history of the show to make fun of the ridiculously tragic attempts at attention that someone of the guys pull. A schmuck comes out in a cupcake, or rather a cupcake-shaped car, because he’s dentist, and Britt “loves it.” Then Host Chris comes out and lets them know that the men have the power and only one of them will be the Bachelorette.
Hail, hail, the gang’s all here.
The guys on Team Britt admit that they want a trophy wife. The women work the room, trying to pre-woo the men who will spend the rest of the season trying to woo one of them. Britt is fake sincere—trying so hard to pretty-cry for the camera as she talks about trying to find a best friend to fall in love with. Kaitlyn is sincerely funny.
Is it too late to make two shows—Bachelorette Tool Style and Bachelorette Cool Style?
Ian the Flash is the first one to ask Kaitlyn “outside.” Exercise Guy asks for Britt to come outside. Some guy tells Kaitlyn the interrupting cow joke. No comment. Ben H. talks about his sponsor child with Britt. Is this like a 29 cents a day kind of sponsor child? Is he really this proud of drunk-dialing a 2:00 a.m. Feed the Children infomercial? But later, Ben the Sponsor Dad asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos, and they’re holding hands and it’s really cute.
Host Chris announces that it’s time to go vote for a lady. Yoga healer douche goes first. Could he be more of a douche? No, he cannot. The women continue stumping/flirting for votes as the men take their time heading into the private voting room one by one and dropping their roses into boxes labeled Kaitlyn and Britt.
Amateur Sex Coach Guy tries to pick a fight with Drunk Guy over the aforementioned heckling. But Drunk Guy has evolved, Pokemon-style, into SUPER Drunk Guy. When he strips down and jumps in the pool, it’s time to call security. Literally. A security guard comes and escorts his drunk ass off the show for good. One man down.
But still two Bachelorettes because we don’t find out until tomorrow who won!!
Okay, let the madness begin again. We’re a few minutes from the start of Night #2. I die a little as I write this because—at this particular moment—I am equal parts excited about my newly Swiffered floors and part two of The Bachelorette!
Will it be Britt? Or Kaitlyn?
They don’t milk the suspense. Host Chris comes out and tells a steeple-handed Britt that she is NOT going to be the Bachelorette. A shocked Brett says, “Wow, it felt very right.” Bye-bye, Britt.
Chris walks her to the limo, and she cries like we’ve seen her cry a million times before, although it’s nearly impossible not to feel some sympathy for her.
Then Chris is a total dick to Kaitlyn, who doesn’t know Britt is already being chauffeured off the premises. The first words out of his mouth are, “Unfortunately, Kaitlyn…” But of course he’s telling her that she’s the one and only true Bachelorette. The first thing Kaitlyn does is ask about Britt, because she’s classy like that. It’s going to be really exciting to watch the show with Cool Kaitlyn. I’m excited to see what this journey brings us.
Let’s get the shit show on the road! Wait, not quite yet, because first Kaitlyn has to phone her mom. Mom wants a son-in-law, pronto! Thanks, mom. Very supportive and helpful and NO PRESSURE AT ALL.
Host Chris announces to all the guys that they’re competing for Kaitlyn, and all the men who voted for Britt immediately switch teams because they’re playing win, damn it, no matter what/who the trophy is.
Yoga healer douche Tony is “confused” about the vibes he felt for Britt, but don’t worry, he’ll totally try to transfer them onto Kaitlyn rather than try to date Britt off-camera. Jared the Love Man admits to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, but says, hey, now I’m psyched its you, because he knows which side his bread is buttered on/which woman has a TV camera pointed at her.
The cupcake dentist dude gets the first makeout session with Kaitlyn, and what’s the politically correct way of saying he seems super gay? Because I’m not judging; I’m just saying that he probably throws awesome Oscar parties and owns the entire series of Sex And the City on Blu-Ray.
The next makeout session goes to personal trainer Shawn B., and so does the First Impression Rose. And “first impression” is exactly right; Kaitlyn clearly wanted to suck this guy’s face within 0.03 seconds of laying eyes on him.
Rose Ceremony Time:
Well, Cupcake Dentist Chris already got some of Kaitlyn’s spit, so it’s only natural he gets the first rose. Then it’s Sponsor Dad Ben, some banker dude named J.J., Moonshine Joe, Boston entrepreneur Kupah, Daniel My Brother the Fashion Designer, “Obsessed” Ryan, Cute Iowa Joshua, and Yoga Healer Douche Tony.
But before Kaitlyn can continue with the rose ceremony, Mr. Melodies Inside Me announces his undying love for Britt and leaves. Damn, those artist-types are always so emotional and dramatic. At least one guy has the balls to be consistent despite the chance to be on teevee.
Host Chris appeared to be helping him reunite with Britt because, of course, they’re all about the lurve on this show. (Will we see them on Bachelor in Paradise?). When the rose ceremony continues, Some Blond Dude Clint lands a rose, as do a couple of Cor(e)ys, Detroit Jonathan, Personal Trainer #16 Ben Z., a guy named Tanner, Ian the Flash, and Personal Trainer #34 Justin. The final rose went to Jared the Love Man.
Two dudes named Bradley and David who failed to distinguish themselves at all got the boot from Kaitlyn, along with law school stripper Josh and amateur sex coach Shawn, who will go back to trying to convince gullible couples that’s a thing and they should let him watch.