Thank God The New Girl Is Going To Save Everything On This Season’s Nashville

Kick it off with a Conan crossover, yo! Yes, Juliette is Conan’s guest as we start this week’s Nashville. Conan is approximately twice the height of Hayden Panettiere

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…but then again he’s probably twice the height of most people.

She’s there to pimp her new album, which Conan actually seems to have on vinyl:

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…probably because there’s no good way to hold up an iTunes download on teevee.

Rayna is back home, and boring Teddy has taken care of everything and is just going to hang out at home with Rayna while she gets well. Dear god if this means Rayna will get back together with boring Teddy, I will rain hellfire down on this show. Gah we ARE heading for this because now Rayna is never talking to Deacon again, of course.

At least this week we seem to have Bad Mean Starlet Juliette, who is actually yelling at people to shut up when they have said no words whatsoever. God bless. And she’s only going to get worse, because new album, Conan-endorsed-vinyl or no, appears to be tanking. Please please please let her throw an honest-to-baby-jesus temper tantrum about this. Truly, Panettiere plays this role convincingly enough that I’ve begun to assume she’s a terrible capricious ice bitch in real life.

Oh hey it is time to meet avaricious new record label head, who isn’t from Nashville and only wants to get dollar dollar bills y’all. He promises to be businessman slimy and he needs to learn to wear a goddamn tie.

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He’s mean to Juliette but positively suck up-y to Rayna so oh dear god is Rayna going to date slimy business guy? I’ll take boring Teddy over obligatory snake businessman any day.

First musical performance of the night is Will with a big rock country number that honestly couldn’t be more boring. Who will join my letter writing campaign to bring T-Bone Burnett back? A nation turns its lonely eyes to T-Bone. The only thing the performance does is remind you what a really handsome slab of country beefcake Will is even though he’s gay gay gay.

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Oh, apparently the scene is also for slimy businessman guy to show up again. He’s untucked his shirt to look more country. He’s here to poach Will from Rayna’s sub-label and sign him to the big dog label. SLIMY GUY YOU ARE SO SLIMY IT IS COMICAL.

More boring than the possibility Rayna may end up with Teddy again is the incredibly tedious interaction between Rayna and her eldest child, who is understandably confused since Deacon is her father, but OH GOD WHO CARES. Soap operas are not supposed to have children, for fuck’s sake. Last year, the children were a charming ornament that sang occasionally and that was fine. I don’t want to see them actually TALK to the adults. Good lord.

Man, slimy businessman is going to be everywhere. Apparently his name is Jeff. Guess who Jeff’s assistant is? Yep, a dude that Will actually made sexytime with, because in this version of Nashville approximately 35 people live there.

Call me dumb, but it only just occurred to me that with Deacon’s hand all trashed from the season ending cliffhanger accident, there’s going to be a super long story arc of Will Deacon Play Guitar Again? Plenty of opportunity for Deacon to alternate between flinty-eyed and mercurial all season long.

Slimy businessman/Rayna throwdown confrontation over the attempted Will poaching reminds me that Connie Britton is best in this show when she is a scenery chewing ass kicker. More of this, less tender moments with Teddy.

In the meantime, Juliette is making another bid for attention by going back to her roots in Generic Trailer Park, Alabama. I actually can’t even get my mock on for this part. One of the women who basically raised Juliette when her mom went MIA made Juliette a quilt of Juliette, as she’s followed her career forever. You can’t tell if Juliette’s angry walkaway is overwhelmed sadness or quintessential bitchiness, but it’s a sad scene either way.

Sigh. Scarlett’s best friend, who didn’t exist last season, has inexplicably come over to help Gunnar move things (???) and makes sure that Gunnar knows she knows he’s having trouble writing songs and oh sweet Jesus Gunnar is going to date Scarlett’s best friend, isn’t he? BAD IDEA BEAR GUNNAR.

Yep, Deacon might never play guitar again. Steely-eyed. Not gonna do physical therapy, even if it means it might make his hand better. Wants a big cast instead. Gets a big cast instead. If anyone believes Deacon will never play guitar again on this show, I will sell them beach houses in Idaho.

After saying she’d never talk to Deacon again, Rayna agrees to meet Deacon after dark at the Rayna shrine because that’s not overwrought AT ALL.

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Deacon is steely-eyed but now full of hope, albeit steely-eyed emotionless hope, that he and Rayna will get together. Rayna declines and gives him his wedding/engagement/whatever ring back, which apparently means she’s kept the thing for like 14 years while married to another dude, which seems like kind of a dick move. Whoa! Rayna goes home and tells Teddy things will not work out with him either. Stand proud and alone Rayna!!

Deacon is selling all his guitars because overreaction much. I’d feel sorrier for him if it wasn’t such a setup for the season of Deacon Struggle.

Gunnar music performance time. Dudes we are 35 minutes into this 43-minute show, which means that there is a hella dearth of music in this music show. Gunnar is fine, but Gunnar solo is boring. Gunnar has to hook up with Scarlett’s best friend soon so she can sing with him.

Aw man, Will has signed with slimy guy to be on the big label. Slimy guy lives in obligatory slimy guy enormohouse.

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Please no one sleep with slimy guy. Slimy guy has also signed some young thing who won on made-up-name-but-close-to-sounding-like-American-Idol show. She now has the number one song on iTunes because of course she does.

OK, Deacon is now sawing off the cast he demanded … earlier today? Yesterday? See? Mercurial. He’s going to play guitar! It is going to be really hard! NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

Squeezing in one more musical performance, American Idol girl gets to sing at the big fancy label party hosted by slimy guy. She’s going to sing a Juliette Barnes song while Juliette Barnes looks on and tries to figure out how to unhinge her jaw and eat this girl whole.

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Wait. Stop the presses. New girl has Zooey Deschanel eyes and sounds like an angel AND actress playing new girl was also in “Sharknado.”

Thank God The New Girl Is Going To Save Everything On This Season's Nashville

New girl is going to be the fucking best and is the only not-boring musical performance this week. Plus she’s going to inspire Juliette to go full-bore angerbear murder spree AND she’s going to inspire Rayna to get plucky and start her own label away from big dog Edgehill. I love new girl so much already I cannot wait for next week to see her ping pong up against everyone else’s lives and wreck/inspire everything. NEW GIRL.

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