Apr 3, 2018
Terror from the Year 5000 (1958) (part 7 of 8)
Later that evening, we see a black-caped nurse threading her way through the trees surrounding the Prof’s house. I guess nobody living on the island ever considered building one of them new-fangled “sidewalks” to take people from the dock to the house. In addition, no one has seen fit to warn the poor unsuspecting nurse that there’s a killer loose somewhere on the island. But as far as I’m concerned, the more “Eeee! Eeee!” the better.
We see Future Woman, still decked out in her Big Sequin Bodysuit as she catches a glimpse of the nurse. She calls out to her from the shadows in an unidentified language. The nurse stops and asks who’s there, and Future Woman cries out, “You’re speaking English!” The nurse asks what she expected, and Future Woman replies, “But the letters on the key were in Greek!” This is referring, of course, to Bob’s Phi Beta Kappa key [!]. Which begs the question: How would people from the year 5200 know ancient Greek? For that matter, how would they know current American English?
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The nurse is confused, so Future Woman emerges from the shadows, revealing her deformed face. Just as you would expect from a trained medical worker, the nurse totally freaks out and starts screaming, “Your face! No! Stay away from me!” I sure hope they keep her out the reconstructive surgery wing at the hospital. The nurse runs off, and Future Woman pursues.
This continues until, predictably, the nurse runs right into Future Woman, who apparently has utilized her Voorhees Unreality Teleportation Device to get ahead of her. (I’m not being facetious here, these things actually will exist by the year 5200.) Future Woman pounces and does her trademark pelican cry as the nurse screams out in agony.
Back in the house, the Prof and Bob happen to be peering out the front window at that exact moment. Upon hearing the screams, Bob asks if there are any guns in the house. Prof answers, “Only my twenty gauge shotgun I use for ducks!” What, that’s all?
They both decide to go investigate, so the Prof advises that they “Better put on our anti-radiation suits!” Say what? If he had anti-radiation suits all along, why the hell weren’t he and Victor wearing them during their experiments?
Meanwhile, Future Woman is kneeling over the nurse, who’s now either dead or unconscious. She starts gently caressing the nurse’s face [?], then pulls out some piece of Whatever Technology that looks exactly like a room air deodorizer. From inside the Deodorizer, she pulls out a rubber mask which bears an uncanny resemblance to the one worn by Michael Myers.
She places the mask over the nurse’s face, lets it set for a few seconds, then, voila! After a sparkler is briefly superimposed over it, the nurse’s face comes right off [!]. It’s less painful than a chemical peel, and the recovery time is phenomenal! We cut away just as Future Woman places the mask on her own face.
Back in the house, Bob and the Prof are donning their silver mylar “anti-radiation suits”, but these look more like fire retardant suits to me. Still, if they did the same thing in Monster A-Go-Go, it must be right. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door, and Claire warily answers it. She breathes a sigh of relief when she sees it’s the nurse, but ominous music reminds us that we know better.
Future Woman, disguised as the nurse, is now being played by Salome Jens in her debut film role. Jens has had a long, respectable acting career (her narration of Clan of the Cave Bear notwithstanding), but will probably be forever known as the Female Changeling on Deep Space Nine. She looks around, seemingly unperturbed by the presence of two men wearing bright silver outfits. Perhaps she thinks she’s wandered into Devo’s dressing room. They all greet her with open arms, with none of them stopping to think that maybe her sudden arrival is somehow connected to the screams they just heard.
We see Bob and the Prof leaving the house, and Bob has the shotgun in hand. Meanwhile, Future Woman is sitting by Victor’s bedside. Apparently she’s revealed who she is, because Victor is asking her if it’s okay he brought her here from the future. Possibly still feeling the effects of the radiation, he starts calling her a “very remarkable woman. Very unusual! [?]” Future Woman takes off her gloves, telling him, “Perhaps more unusual then you realize!”
Hilariously, she reveals that she has gleaming silver fingernails. We then get a comical shot of Victor with ten little points of light shining on his face [!]. He freaks a little because her hands “are like the woman last night!” Um, he knows she came from the future, but he can’t make an educated leap and guess that she’s the same woman who attacked him?
Things get even goofier as Future Woman starts wiggling her fingers around, and the little pen lights start to dance around Victor’s face. He tries to say something about her face but trails off, apparently mesmerized by her press-on nails.
As she wiggles her fingers, she explains that in the future, the atmosphere will be filled with radiation. “By the year 5000,” she says, “Every fifth child born was a mutant!” I sure hope Professor Xavier’s Special School is still around by then, because they’re sure to clean up.
She explains that the government rounded up the “freaks” (her word) and put them in “isolated colonies”. Apparently, it’s one of these colonies that the Hot Water Heater achieved contact with. Okay, I’m following so far, but why does she have to mesmerize Victor to explain all of this to him?
The long and short of it is, Future Woman is going to take Victor back to the future with her so he can breed with some mutant women. See, it’s only with “new blood, with undamaged pre-atomic genes” that they’ll be able to stop the cycle of freaks. Of course, those huge radiation burns on Victor’s face kind of cast some doubt on the whole “undamaged” thing. Future Woman hears something and immediately puts her gloves back on.
Claire enters, wanting to know how things are going. Future Woman icily says they’re getting along “splendidly” and tells Claire to go to sleep. Claire promises to leave as soon as she refills an empty pitcher of water on Victor’s bed stand. Oddly, as she goes to retrieve the pitcher, Future Woman and Victor just stare obsessively at each other, which you think would raise Claire’s suspicions a little bit.
Instead, Claire accidentally drops the pitcher near Future Woman’s feet, and when she goes to retrieve it, she finds the supposed nurse is wearing silver high heels. I guess this is somewhat unusual, but it wouldn’t inspire horror in me the way it seems to in Claire.
The sound of the pitcher dropping seems to have jogged Victor out of his trance, because he groggily asks if he’s been dreaming. Claire is concerned about him, so she decides to stick around. Future Woman, however, gets irate: “It is better that he sleep! Please leave us now!” Nope, nothing suspicious going on here. Accordingly, Claire just leaves [!].
Outside, Bob and the Prof are still wandering around aimlessly in their radiation suits while the Prof sweeps a Geiger Counter around. Then we cut to the boiler room, where Victor is setting up his all-important Electrical Arc Generator while Future Woman shimmies out of the nurse’s uniform to reveal her Big Sequin Bodysuit. She explains that her suit isn’t just stylish—it also protects her from radiation. She advises him to put something on that also protects him (or, more importantly, his ‘nads) from radiation.
Victor slips into a silver suit just as Claire barges in. Victor announces to her that “I’m going into the future! I must go!” So, does this mean the engagement is off? Claire says he’s delirious, and tries to get him to go back to bed. Future Woman jumps out of the shadows, yelling at Claire to leave him alone and scaring the crap out of her.