The Televangelist Handbook: How you can become a vessel for the Lord today in five easy installments

Taking that leap of faith into service for the lord is something that only a few of the brave, enterprising and devout among us choose to undertake in life. Vows are sworn and upheld with an iron constitution that even the strongest earthquake couldn’t sway. The stars of this legion are those who take to the airwaves to spread the gospel, televangelists. TV has long been reserved for only the greatest movers and shakers throughout all of media and it is no different that the upper echelon of our spiritual leaders should find a place on the small screen.

The power of television allows these men, and sometimes women, to enter our living rooms and spread the gospel from sea to shining sea, expanding their abilities and achieving unbelievable feats on a grand scale.

At this point I’m sure you’re full of questions. Why? What makes them so special? Can this be me, is there is a club to join?

The article continues after these advertisements...

I can lay it out for you in a few easy steps:

1. Hone your charisma and control a crowd

Obviously this step is the most simple due to the natural charisma harbored within the gospel itself. There is a reason why billions have fought, died and suffered over the years for Christ: charisma.

However, it is also important to supplement the word with the keen ability to work a crowd and work them into a furor. Today it is harder and harder to garner the attentions of the masses with only gospel alone. Too many have been swayed by things like “science” and “fact.”

Benny Hinn is a master in this realm. He allows his powers to explode over the congregation at a moment’s notice, gripping their attention and spreading his message through his hands, his jacket or his finely tuned head of hair.

You might think of this as a lazy method of anointing, but take note of the power being used. This is a craftsman at the height of his abilities using cunning and charisma to work a crowd like a salesman for God.

And what does he ask in return? Generosity, a small price to pay for salvation, depending on your income bracket and social status. What are your assets?

2. Present a working knowledge of scripture

Once you can work a crowd and energy is oozing out of your pores like a teenage boy in puberty, you need to be able to prove you are the real deal. You must back up your presence with what I like to call a working knowledge of the scripture. I call it working because, and opinions vary here, the word is up for interpretation and the correct answer isn’t always clear at first.

But if you are sure you know what you’re talking about, they will follow and you will succeed in winning favor.

And this working knowledge doesn’t always mean you practice what you preach. Sometimes a great leader and vessel for the lord must undertake the dark forces that can lead a congregation astray. They must bite into the poison apple in order to better understand their enemy, something that heathen Sun Tzu might’ve said.

Take Jimmy Swaggart here for example. He tackled sin headfirst and really got in deep. Luckily Swaggart and fellow knights of the lord like Jim Bakker recognize these dangers and were able to successfully navigate their treachery to find themselves back on the airwaves and within the good graces of a loving God. This is why we have priests in prisons and also rehabilitation clinics.

3. Demonstrate the power within

No, not the kind of power portrayed by alleged demon-human hybrid Tony Robbins in the film “Shallow Hal.” This is power given to you from above, from a higher calling.

Benny Hinn appears once again to exhibit this attribute that any evangelist needs to be able to push forward on the world around him…or her of course. This is the power of God!

Now you might ask how you know when the spirit is inside of you? Can I fake it? What signs are present that can open the door for you to ascend to the next level and become a vessel for the lord?

I’d say no one really knows. Can you bend spoons? Does your breath feel like hot fire on the skin of sinners everywhere? Are you able to shake the souls of passers by with just a whisper? All of these would be classic signs that you have the touch and must share it.

Once you can shake the pillars of Heaven with little effort, you can force your spirit into others and have your presence felt with one step into a room. And if they don’t feel it? Well they must not be praying hard enough.

4. Drape yourself in the finest linens

It is well known that God dislikes the slovenly. Sloth is a deadly sin as we all know and dressing like a common street vagrant is a good way to get on his bad side. Even when Jesus was crucified for the common good of humanity, there are many that say God had no qualms doing it because he “dressed like a bum.”

This is of course an example of that working knowledge of scripture I told you about.

Now as a servant for God today, sacrifice comes in numerous forms. Painstaking sermons given to crowds of thousands inside of a football stadium are our form of crucifixion. A great evangelist will drape themselves upon the cross on a nightly basis, but they do it in the finest garments. This is because sacrifice needs to look good.

You should spare no expense because the people need to know you represent the lord, the greatest of all. Drape colorful fabrics over your body, accentuated with golden jewelry, watches and the finest leathers you can find.

Worry not about the cost because the congregation will see fit to support your need to be a prime representative for the Holy Spirit. And you need to look good for the television cameras or face disaster. The kind you can’t just ward off through prayer.

5. Support your powers with talent and entertainment

While the charismatic power of the lord should be enough to sustain the attention of even the feeblest mind, you can always add in some form of entertainment or talent to make sermons more interesting.

This is a serious business, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a little fun. And besides, the Supreme Being should be capable of anything possible on this plane of existence. Being his tool on Earth, you should be as well.

Think of the Power Team channeling the Holy Spirit into physical strength to tear countless phone books in half or perhaps the Gather Clan traveling with their large musical collective, dancing and singing praises to above in stadiums across the country. Even on a smaller scale, a little musical talent can go a long way. Take the late Rev. Billy Locklear for example:

Automatically his power grows tenfold. And that’s just from a small, personable performance. Imagine this at a Joel Osteen style mega church or sport arena. My hair is standing on end at the slight thought.

In conclusion:

It is a long and rocky road to becoming the top beacon for God in this world. But many have made it and you can too.

Once there you might want to supplement these main steps with various items and tonics that enhance your powers. This includes anointing oil to offer to parishioners in order to bless on the go or authentic holy land spring water harvested from the river of Jordan itself and definitely not from a sink in the back of the church.

And with the Internet growing more and more each day, it is easier than ever to get in on spreading the message across the globe. Numerous televangelists are now multimedia-oriented with missions around the globe helping to keep the gears turning on the soul saving business. New avenues are opening and by using these tried and true methods, you could break new ground for the lord today with only the click of a mouse.

So go forth God warriors and spread out to new frontiers. Exploit, expand and elevate! And please donate today.

You may also like...

  • Jason M

    The guy in the lead photo, Robert Tilton. Man, I used to watch him at three in morning, so high that I thought I understood what he was saying when he spoke in tongues. Then 60 Minutes or 20/20 or one of those news number shows did an expose on him and the next day he was really petulant and defensive. “So I have a nice house and a nice car? Should I sleep in filth and take the bus?” I remember yelling out loud in the wee hours, “YES!”

  • x111e7thst

    All up in your Jeebus doing my thing

  • $73376667

    Benny Hinn is a master in this realm. He allows his powers to explode over the congregation at a moment’s notice

    Didn’t a cop in Philly get in trouble doing that recently?

    • Coked Up Jesus

      Benny himself got into trouble for this, so I wouldn’t doubt that anyone would. Hit people with enough jackets and one day someone will sue, even if you’re an officer of God’s law.

  • crazymonkeylady

    Robert Tilton. The only time I can stand him is if I watch his Farting Preacher YouTube videos. Those are fucking hilarious.