May 12, 2018
Teen Wolf (1985): a recap (part 2 of 3): Must Love Dogs
Previously: Scott starts growing hair in strange places, and his dad tells him that’s perfectly normal for a young man his age, at least in their family, because they’re all werewolves. Also, he makes out with his best friend, who is totally into him, and maybe a little into his dad.
Now, part 2…
At school, things are awkward as Scott tries to hide his secret and handle Boof, who is acting rather coolly towards him, while Pamela is suddenly friendly to him. Scott almost transforms again during class, and he has to race all over the school like a man whose morning coffee is kicking in, if you know what I mean, to find an unoccupied bathroom to freak out in peace. Scott manages to keep it together, even after creepy Principal Thorne barges in, thinking Scott is the culprit drawing graffiti in the stalls.
Scott scampers back to class, but Principal Thorne notices the large hairs in the sink.
While hanging out with Stiles, Scott tries to confess his big secret. “You’re not going to tell me you’re a fag, are you?” asks Stiles. They chuckle over their shared homophobia, and Stiles is totally relieved to find out Scott is merely a half-human abomination, not gay. Scott shows off his new werewolf face, and Stiles calls him “beautiful!” (Gay.)
I guess being a supernatural monstrosity is more acceptable than being a minority. Titus Andromeda already knows this.
Stiles immediately wants to know what cool powers, if any, Scott has as a teen wolf. Scott uses his new keen sense of smell to find the marijuana stash Stiles was looking for, and Stiles gets excited at the “monstrous” possibilities with Scott’s powers. Scott begs Stiles to keep this secret between the two of them, but you know Stiles already has plans for them to use Scott to impersonate a drug-sniffing dog and score more pot.
Scott heads home and is a little weirded out to see Boof playing one-on-one with his dad. You know, I don’t think Boof has a crush on Scott. I think she has a thing for Harold—she called him “terrific” earlier and is apparently cool to hang out with him when Scott’s not around. She’s clearly projecting.
Boof asks Scott to walk her home and tells him that Harold told her that Scott is thinking about quitting the basketball team to do the school play, a transparent attempt to get into Pamela’s… good graces. They reminisce about a childhood memory, and Boof reminds Scott that he can tell her anything.
The next day is another basketball game, and Scott’s team prepares to get pulverized once again. The stress of the game causes Scott to start turning into the teen wolf, and he can’t stop the transformation! Everyone stares at him in shock, and Scott takes advantage to score several baskets unhindered. Scott’s friends perk up when they realize his abnormalities are actually useful to them (it’s poor Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer all over again). The crowd cheers Scott on as he scores point after point.
Everyone treats Scott to pizza after the game, and they fawn all over him, awestruck by
actual, indisputable proof of werewolves, supernatural creatures, and magic in general his sudden ability to play basketball well. Pamela pushes past Boof to get a seat next to Scott, which does not go unnoticed. Finally! Scott is getting everything he wanted: popularity, skills on the court, and attention from hot women.
Someone gives him a beer, and everyone cheers as he shotguns it.
Montage time! Scott goes to school in his wolf form, and instead of being freaked out by a Chewbacca lookalike on campus, everyone is happy to see Scott and they treat him like their king. Little kids ask for his autograph, he gets As in class, and he wins a dance battle against the break-dancing crew.
Boof is not impressed by Scott’s celebrity status, and I think some of his teammates are getting tired of him, too. In the montage of the basketball games, you can see that they’re visibly annoyed by Scott hogging the ball, but hey, he’s winning games, so they can’t complain too much. I hear this movie inspired Michael Jordan’s entire life.
Stiles, being the clever entrepreneur he is, starts selling “Teen Wolf” merchandise and t-shirts, which are the most amazingly ’80s thing I have ever seen. Observe:
Boof is a total killjoy about all this, even though Stiles gave her one of those sweet Teen Wolf t-shirts for free. She gives it to Pamela, saying it’s too big for her. Pamela and Boof are the same size, so Boof was clearly trying to cut down Pamela’s self-esteem by implying Pamela is fat. Pamela ignores her because Boof’s opinion is irrelevant.
Pamela tells Scott that she heard he wanted to be in the school play, so she convinced the director to make up a walk-on role for him. Scott agrees, because he’s been waiting this whole movie to get close to Pamela. After rehearsal, Pamela invites Scott into her dressing room and asks him about his wolf form. “Do you change back and forth whenever you feel like it?” she asks as she struts around in her underwear. Scott stammers a response about how he just has to get himself worked up. Pamela takes her bra off and is all, “Does this get you all worked up?” and then she initiates sex.
Guys, I think Pamela is a furry. She only became interested in Scott when he turned into a teen wolf, and I’m pretty sure that when the two have sex, Scott is in his wolf form. We don’t see the actual act, but we hear Scott let out a very happy wolf howl.
After they have sex, the two go bowling, like you do. Mick is also here, and Pamela enjoys making him jealous by flirting with Scott. Mick stomps over to tell Scott that “underneath all that hair, you’re still a dork.” He also tells Scott that he’s handled his kind before, claiming that Scott’s mom used to kill chickens in Mick’s backyard, until Mick blew her head off with a shotgun.
At first, I thought this was some sort of joke because, you know, wolves eat chickens and Scott is a werewolf, but then Scott angrily throws a bowling ball off-screen. Did Mick kill Scott’s mom? If so, shouldn’t he be in jail instead of scamming on high schoolers? Funny or Die has similar questions about this.
This movie would be a lot more interesting if Mick killed Scott’s mom and all his life Scott had to watch Mick go out with his dream girl and kick his ass at basketball. Scott thinks he has the upper hand on Mick, now that he’s dating Pamela. But Pamela informs him that Mick is still very much her boyfriend, and the previous sex scene was just a friendly fetish fling because Mick refuses to wear the furry suit for her. (This is oddly reminiscent of the virginity loss episode of Family Ties where Alex gets used and tossed aside by a college girl. I guess Michael J. Fox just looks like someone you don’t have sex with twice.)
Scott is hurt, but at least he’s got his boys to count on, right? Wrong! The rest of the basketball team is fed up and blows him off, because it was so much more fun to score literally 11 points in an entire game. Coach tells the team to suck it up, because Scott’s gotten the team all the way to the championship, so I guess all those previous losses were just pre-season or something. Coach says all they need to do is sit back and enjoy the wins. He also tells Scott not to worry about his teammates hating him.
“Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who’s got the same first name as a city, and never go near a lady who’s got a tattoo of a dagger on her body,” Coach tells him. “Now you stick with that, everything else is cream cheese.” That advice isn’t particularly useful to Scott in this situation, but Coach is not wrong here.
Next up on Teen Wolf part 3: The big dance, the big game, and the big finale!