Your Small Children Will Likely Pack Up And Leave Home If You Give Them This Ted Cruz Coloring Book

Your Small Children Will Likely Pack Up And Leave Home If You Give Them This Ted Cruz Coloring BookIn the annals of American hucksterism, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Poutine) is a political Ron Popeil, albeit without the slicing and dicing. And now he has a fitting monument to his achievements — a 5-dollar coloring book that was slapped together in a few days and sold out its first print run of 10,000 copies almost instantly. Needless to say, when we heard about this thing, we had to rush to the URL and get one so we could share its wacky awfulness with You Our Dear Readers. Because agony such as this should never be endured alone.

Is it serious? Is it a joke? These questions are irrelevant. The Ted Cruz coloring book is simply an act of commercial trolling — it could be serious, but it doesn’t have to be. It contains a few incendiary whoppers — we’ll get to them — but for the most part it’s filler, a rightwing-flavored collection of copy-pasted text and terrible art traced from photos and video screengrabs. Also, did we mention there’s a lot of filler?

The book has gotten a lot of attention — and rightly so — for nutty passages like the following, about Cruz’s incredibly amazing not-quite filibuster prior to October’s government shutdown:

This speech was so important because millions of citizens believe Obama Care is worse than any war. At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves. When American people lose their health insurance they may not have anywhere to go, nothing to protect the children and senior citizens in which to fight disease and personal illness. Many people may get sick and die because they lost their health care coverage during Obama Care. More U.S. citizens may die of illness if they don’t get insurance than died in all U.S. wars since World War II.

Yes, “nothing to protect the children and senior citizens in which to fight disease and personal illness.” We have a feeling Sarah Palin may have helped with the text. Or there’s the cover, which features Cruz pointing to a “tea plant” with branches labeled “U.S. Constitution” and “Ten Commandments” — for some reason, leaves labeled “gun rights” and “free enterprise” are growing out of the latter.

But let us also assess the Ted Cruz coloring book on a more fundamental level: As a coloring book. And there, gentle reader, it fails even harder than it does as copypasted tea party propaganda.

We’d like to say we can’t imagine anyone inflicting this thing on a child — it’s primarily a novelty political tchotchke — but we imagine that there’s a fairly substantial number of unironic purchases by parents who are going to force this on their poor kids. And there is pretty much nothing fun about the pictures or the text. Consider this exciting image:
cruz color education
Pretty much makes you want to break out the crayons for the sheer joy of it, doesn’t it?

And then there’s the text, which doesn’t make even the least pretense of kid-friendliness:

Ted understood early on how to make a positive difference in the lives of others. In his teens, Ted was admired by students and teachers alike and proved to be an inspirational leader and motivator. He attended high school at Faith West Academy in Katy, Texas, and later graduated from Second Baptist High School in Houston as valedictorian. While attending Second Baptist, Cruz participated in the Free Market Education Foundation, learning about free-market economic philosophers. Ted later graduated with honors from Princeton University and with high honors from Harvard Law School. Ted knows caring about others helps make better people.

Mommy, will you please read me Senator Cruz’s curriculum vita again? Please?

A couple pages later, there’s an inept drawing of the Boston Tea Party — which the book doesn’t even name! — followed by these lines which you’ll treasure reading to your child again and again:

Modern Americans draw inspiration from a grassroots protest that happened in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1773 to protest “taxation without representation.”

Propelled by tens of thousands of grassroots activists across Texas, Ted’s election has been described by the Washington Post as “the biggest upset… a true grassroots victory against very long odds.” Cruz was outspent by almost a 6-to-1 margin during his campaign for U.S. Senate.

The people of Texas were tired of the established career politicians and wanted a new strong conservative who will stand up for all people — regardless of race, creed, background, sexual orientation or religious beliefs. Ted Cruz understands he must represent American Constitutional ideas that protect all U.S. citizens.

As a special puzzle for grownups, can you find the group in that last paragraph that doesn’t belong? Sure! We knew you could! Again, not sure if trolling, or if the writer simply didn’t give two shits. Similarly, the next page features a collection of “Historic American Leaders — George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Ronald Reagan, Susan B. Anthony, “Founding Fathers,” Frederick Douglass, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. What the hell is Roosevelt doing in a book about Ted Cruz? Why is Thomas Edison included at all? Kid, you ask too many questions. But here, enjoy coloring this picture of Ronald Reagan with a death’s-head rictus of a smile:
reagan coloring book

Elsewhere, we get this grim arglebargle about Ted Cruz and the Second Amendment:

Ted Cruz is a firm supporter of the Constitution specifically the Second Amendment. Cruz has stated the president (Obama) has a disregard for the Bill of Rights. That it is not surprising, and it is unfortunate Obama and his administration have a consistent disregard. It seems they use any opportunity to go after the Second Amendment right and other constitutional rights such as free speech.

Hey, Obama, you just knock it off with all that consistent disregard, will you? Parents who read aloud to their kids will also have to explain to them what the “Partial-birth abortion ban” and “parental consent laws” are, which should be almost as much fun as explaining why Americans need to be protected from the UN and the International Court of Justice. And then there’s all the exciting filler, like a page with the Preamble to the Constitution and the Bill of Rights (plus Liberty Bell clipart!), another page with the Star Spangled Banner and My Country ‘Tis of Thee, and the text of the Pledge of Allegiance, complete with the instructions “Take this to school and give it to your teacher. Let them know that you want to recite the pledge.” And if they don’t let you, write to Glenn Beck.

We could say a lot more about this slapdash mess of a coloring book (say, did we mention there’s a lot of filler?), but we worry that we may have already given the damned thing more thought than its editors did.

On a scale of Applejack to Princess Luna, this book is a misshapen “My Lattle Pody” knockoff from the dollar store. Caution, may contain lead paint.

Ted Cruz to the Future – Comic Coloring Activity Book Really Big Coloring Books, 2013. 24 pages, $5.39

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  • Señor Skwerl

    Am printing out copies of the Reagan picture for the office holiday party this afternoon. Because: drunk, zombie Reagan and coloring contests.

    • goonemeritus

      Be careful with that kind of thing. This will invariablylead to drunken interpretive dance depictions of McCarthyism.

    • WA Bishop

      Nothing says drunken holiday celebration than Ronald Reagan with a death’s-head rictus of a smile.

    • nothingisamiss

      May I come to your party?! FAR more interesting than any party I’m likely to go to this year.

  • Farb

    I might get sick and die of Ted Cruz, he’s such a pernicious malady! Apparently he’s attempting to exceed Sarah Palin in gaming the political market. But at least she had the grace– or common sense– to relinquish office before fully effecting her crass commercialism. Ted, on the other hand, is a malicious contagion without redeeming quality.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Ted Cruz is a firm supporter of the Constitution specifically ONLY the Second Amendment. FTFY.

  • WA Bishop

    “May” contain lead paint? You’re giving them an awful lot of credit there, aren’t you?

  • Farb

    Someone draw some bad pictures. Here’s the first page of text: “Ted Cruz is a shit monger of epic proportion. You can tell he’s lying because his mouth is open.” Okay, so it’s not original either. Everyone with half a major ganglion knows it’s true, but we must remember the chilrens! I suggest the cartoonish drawing be of someone with a long skinny nose, sloping brows, and a mouth filled with stogie that the kids can color with Crayola “Shadow” #8A795D, with some space for highlights of “Metallic Gold Plated Asshole” #666.

  • Ronnie is BEGGING for a Gene Simmons makeover…

  • Bobo the Dork Boy

    Where’s the picture of Rafael, Jr. with an M-16 on a velociraptor?

  • eaglesfanintn

    “More U.S. citizens may die of illness if they don’t get insurance than died in all U.S. wars since World War II. ” Well, since we haven’t declared war since World War II, I guess nobody will die from losing their health insurance. History, meet Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz, meet history.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    I’d love to put Ted ‘Poutine’ Cruz to work on a real tea plantation, in india.yeah, I got some sick as fuck fantasies, you betcha.

  • Provolone

    Don’t talk shit about Applejack, bitch!

  • Doctor Krieger

    “from Applejack to Princess Luna” Are you saying you don’t like Applejack or don’t like Princess Luna…?

  • AnOuthouse

    “But Mommy, why is there a Canadian on my coloring book? I want the American coloring book. Waaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaa … “

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Tell your teacher you want to do the pledge”? Why? Does he not know that the pledge is done first thing in the morning every school day and at most after hour school events? I would be surprised if the majority of students aren’t bored by it by middle school.

  • PubOption

    In that picture, Ronnie’s mouth looks to be at an angle to the rest of his head.

  • waspuppet

    Because if there’s one thing kids relate to and idolize, it’s a grownup who talks for hours.

  • WesternModern

    Ted’s doing an “Issac” from Love Boat.

  • okra

    I don’t think this book is for kids, Doc, cuz… Texass.

  • Farb

    Next: Ted Cruz vs. The Lorax! Trucks will be thrown, buildings pulled down, explosions will rock the city, people will leave their cars and flee, screaming!