Tech Crunch Keynote Guy Is Walking Talking Buzzword-Driven Nonsense Machine

It’s time for that Tech Crunch Disrupt thingy again, which we thought only happened once a year, but maybe it happens all the time now, like TED talks? Are you ready to get your face disrupted right off by this awesome keynote from a dude who makes a glorified chat/to-do app? Fuck yeah you are!!

Justin Rosenstein runs Asana, which basically helps you avoid email and yell at your whole team directly via one app. GAME CHANGER. Before that, he was the dude that tech-leadered his way into giving you the “Like” button on Facebook, which is pretty much the same as inventing the wheel or the combustion engine or discovering fire. Because of these achievements, Tech Crunch gave this guy 30 minutes to pump you up about how you too can be a world changer synergizer paradigm shifter by writing some back end code to make Facebook give away your private data more easily or start the next Farmville.

Valleywag sat through all thirty minutes of this keynote, which we were not successful at doing, and they even fancy schmancy edited the video so you get a concentrated dose of tech jargon thought leadered directly into your neurons. Seriously, this guy is unbelievable. The guy that makes a to-do app tells his rapt audience that they have more power than all the kings and presidents of 100 years ago, combined. Also, too, it is super neat to be in tech because you were born at the right time and the right place and got the right education so you don’t have to sacrifice anything to be a world-beater. Also too he and his Facebook refugee pals are gonna make everyone so rich by engineering money that everyone on earth can reach their actualized potential. Nope, that last part is not us snarking. That is exactly what he says, minus the Facebook refugee part.

Also, Justin Rosenstein would like to know if you have found the intersection between your passion and your world-shaping positive impact? Dude, we can’t even find our fucking shoes, but that’s probably because we haven’t paradigm shifted out of this hangover yet.

[Valleywag/Tech Crunch]

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  • Hammiepants

    I hate this guy and I haven’t even heard anything emanate from his cakehole.

  • TJ Barke

    These peoples’ heads are so far up their asses. I don’t think a more naively self absorbed group has ever existed.

  • Pat_Pending

    Actualized potential. I barely have the energy to lift my fingers over the keyboard as I type this.

  • Force Crater

    Much is published little is written.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Gawd, I hate these people- all chirpy bullshit blather about nothing. I’m going to invent an app that makes all these obnoxious douche bags disappear from the face of the earth. If for some reason I become rich and famous for it and turn into an obnoxious douche bag too, feel free to use it on me.

  • gnosis

    Did anyone stick around (fast forward) for the “Q&A” with Alex Wilhelm afterward? It changes the entire scenario — like if Sean Hannity suddenly appeared for the final 15 minutes of a Frank Capra movie.