Aug 21, 2017
Tatiana Maslany Nabs Emmy Nod; Sestras Leave Voicemail Messages to Congratulate Her!
When your typical, everyday actress nabs her first Emmy nomination . . .
. . . she shares the good news with her friends, her family, her agent, her publicist, her pet, and perhaps, a significant other or two . . .
But when a member of the Clone Club FINALLY earns her first, long overdue, much-deserved Emmy nomination for Lead Actress in a Drama Series, she’s got all her Sestras on speed dial . . .
Because the writers at HNTP are very close with Orphan Black star Tatiana Maslany,
and because we may or may not have hacked into her cell phone, we are proud to bring you exclusive transcripts from the heartwarming and deeply personal messages Tatiana’s clones left on her voicemail, congratulating her on her spectacular news!
1. Alison Hendrix
“Congratulations, Sweetie! We are all so excited for you! This is almost as exciting as when I won School Trustee against that awful Marci Coates. You are going to do just so great! In fact, I’m so positive that you are going to take home the win, I’ve taken the liberty of writing your Emmy acceptance speech for you.
Oh, it was no trouble at all. Don’t even think about it. I even threw in a plug for my new soap shop, Bubbles. You don’t mind do you? I mean, cross promotion is what sisters are for, right?
Speaking of the front for my illegal drug operation, Donnie and I know you might be a bit nervous about having to speak in front of those actor people when you make your acceptance speech. That’s why we’ve made a very special soap basket just for you, with a little something extra hidden at the bottom, if you catch my drift. Now, don’t take more than two at a time, or you’ll end up sounding like Ozzy Osbourne during your speech.
Trust me, I know from experience . . .”
2. Cosima Neihaus
“Hey Tati! Just wanted to congratulate you on your Emmy nomination, girl. That’s killer! We knew you’d do it! They’d have to be crazy not to nominate you, because you are just that awesome!
So, here’s like a weird random question? Do you happen to know who you’ll be sitting next to at the Emmy’s? Specifically, I was wondering if you think there’s a chance you might end up sitting next to anyone from the cast of Orange is the New Black.
OK, here’s why I am asking. You see, my new girlfriend . . . you know, Shay . . . well, she and I have this like pact thing, where we each choose five celebrities who, if we meet them, we can totally make sweet sweet science with, i.e., have sex, and it won’t be considered cheating. Because, obviously we’ve already agreed on them beforehand.
Here’s the crazy thing. The cast of Orange is the New Black actually counts as one person on both of our lists. Sooooo . . . I was wondering, you know, if you aren’t too busy being all luxurious and famous and stuff, if you could maybe, possibly, like slip some of the members of the cast my cell phone number? No pressure of course . . .
Anyway, congrats again. We love youuuu!”
“Sestra, I am so happy you receive Acting Award Thing. It makes me proud to be your Sestra. And I would be honored to kill all the other women you are fighting against to win this award. Give me their addresses, I will give you dead bodies in return. Their murders can be messy or clean. Your choice.
No more competition means you are winner, hands down, no?
Also, if you are nervous about Emmys, I will lend you my Scorpion, Pupok, who was good friend to me during times of terror and torture. Even though I ate him, because I was in the desert and very hungry, I will do my best to puke him up for you. You can keep him in pocket of your dress. He is very small, and will fit fine.
That is all. Got to go. It’s lunch time. Peanut butter sandwich with much strawberry jelly and honey and Skittles.”
4. Sarah Manning
“So, you’re getting yourself a fancy schmancy acting award, yeah? That’s great, Tat! Way to kick ass and take names! When Fi and I heard, we went absolutely crazy, dancing, pissing the night away. We totally woke up Kira. She’s really excited for you too, by the way.
Umm . . . yah, so I bet there’s going to be a lot of really rich people at this awards shindig, right? Like, how much money do you feel like people take to a thing like this, approximately? Couple hundred dollars a person?
Because, here’s the thing . . . Fi and I figure, we can sneak in as seat fillers and pocket a few thousand dollars easy . . . enough money to get Kira those braces she’s going to need when her big girl teeth come in.
Obviously, we’d pretend we didn’t know you, so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting in trouble or anything. Also, we’d give you a cut. 15% maybe? Just think about it . . .yeah?”
5. Beth Childs
“Greetings from the grave. Good job on possibly winning an Emmy. All of your good fortune makes me think I might have jumped the gun a bit on the whole ‘walking into the path of a moving train and killing myself’ thing. I guess it really does ‘get better.’ Who knew?
Anywhoo, give my regards to the rest of Clone Club. And be sure to look both ways when crossing the street . . . always . . . ”
6. Rachel Duncan
“Hello, Tatiana. It appears you, once again, have something I want. You may not know this, but as a little girl, growing up in a cold sterile laboratory, I always had dreams of being an actress.
So, I have a proposition for you. Give me your Emmy, and I won’t stab you in the eye with a pencil, thereby causing you extreme discomfort and severe, but conveniently temporary, brain damage. Something tells me you won’t enjoy reading your acceptance speech cue cards from behind an eye patch. You have forty-eight hours to make your decision. Until then, Dear Sister.”
WAY TO GO, TATIANA! Thanks for letting us tap your phone. See you on Emmys night!