An Exclusive Look at the Upcoming Full House Spin-Off!

Our careers have gone precisely nowhere!

Our careers have gone precisely nowhere!

Have you ever wondered, “Gee, what I really want more than anything in the world–more than a million dollars, world peace, or a cure to cancer–is to know what exactly the Tanner family is up to right now?” Well, you got it, dude! Netflix has officially announced a thirteen episode order of a Full House spin-off that will be called…wait for it…Fuller House. And who said creativity was dead?

The series will focus on DJ Tanner-Fuller (I know, she didn’t marry Steve Hale!), who is recently widowed and pregnant with her third child. Thus, her sister Stephanie, an aspiring musician, and childhood friend/annoying neighbor Kimmy will be moving in to help her raise the family. It’s basically the premise of the original Full House except the genders are flipped.

Really, who said creativity was dead? I think they might have been right.

We at Happy Nice Time People broke into the office of Netflix called up our sources at Netflix and secured a copy of the pilot so our lovely readers could get an exclusive first look at the revival of everyone’s favorite 90s TV show (not counting Frasier, Seinfeld, Friends, and every other 90s sitcom). Take a look at the upcoming storylines:

Stephanie’s Search For Stardom

Stephanie’s career is in a rut so she decides to try to go on tour with the biggest pop act in the industry for a career boost: The Beach Boys! Suffice it to say, the remaining members of the 60s boy band are not interested in playing again and would much rather enjoy their retirement. “Look, the reason we came around so much was because Uncle Jesse promised the secrets of his luxurious hair,” they explain to a disappointed Stephanie.” And then we realized he was only using us to impress his nieces, which we didn’t really understand. You were like ten and five in 1988. Shouldn’t you girls have been into New Kids on the Block or something? How did you know who the Beach Boys were?”

They then politely ask Stephanie to never call them again and develop modern musical tastes. Stephanie agrees and tries to see if New Kids on the Block are going on another reunion tour.

Michelle Visits–Twice

While having a picnic in that park from the opening credits with her kids, DJ runs into Michelle. Michelle explains that she is looking for someone, but DJ insists on having her over for dinner. At the same time, Michelle stops by the Fuller household also looking for someone. Stephanie and Kimmy convince her to come back for dinner. That evening, one Michelle arrives at the front door and another at the back door.

Hijinks ensue as DJ, Stephanie, and Kimmy keep going back and forth all night, thinking they are talking to the same sister. Finally, they grow brain cells and realize that there are two Michelles. The Michelles admits that they were born as fraternal twins, but Danny was already under so much stress having to raise two girls plus Uncle Joey, so he told the twins that they had to fight to the death and the remaining twin could join the family. Over the years the twins viciously fought each other, trying to replace the other for good.

“And now, it is time for the final battle!” one of the Michelle screams. They get into a vicious battle in the living room and accidentally stab Uncle Joey, who has arrived for a surprise visit. DJ breaks up the fight and tells them that the twins don’t have to fight because the family can accept having two Michelles. The twins decide to rename themselves as “Mary Kate” and “Ashley” and leave San Francisco to start their lives over.

Uncle Joey Moves In

Uncle Joey just wanted to stop in town to say hello to DJ and her kids, but then he was stabbed in the middle of the two Michelles’ fight. Unfortunately, it was not a serious injury so he did not bleed out and die. In fact, as they waited for the ambulance to arrive, he kept making corny jokes like, “I guess someone finally cut! it! out!”

After his release from the hospital, he asks to stay and recuperate in the Fuller house. DJ and Stephanie agree because they think it’ll great for the kids to have a fun uncle around. However, DJ’s children report that Uncle Joey is annoying. “He keeps saying that he’s talking like Bullwinkle to me. What or who is a Bullwinkle?” the oldest one asks. “Is that a Pokemon?”

“Why couldn’t Uncle Jesse come by and teach us how to comb our hair?” complains the other one. “Please save me,” gurgles the baby. “I keep crying to drown out his voice, but my vocal chords are too small to keep this up forever.”

Uncle Joey overhears and is upset. DJ scolds the kids for being so mean and goes to comfort him. Uncle Joey tells DJ that he misses being around a family and asks to move in–permanently. It is at the point that DJ realizes that it is sad that a grown ass man is still unmarried, unemployed, and thinks cartoon impressions are the height of comedy.

She kicks him out and asks him to never return.

Second Chance With Steve

After traveling the world, Steve has realized that there is no one else for him but DJ. He comes back to San Francisco to declare his love for DJ but is surprised to see that she has three kids. Steve is undeterred and offers to get back together and make every thirteen-year-old girl from the 1990s’ dreams come true. DJ and Steve go out on a date but realize they are not the same couple that they were in high school. For one,  DJ is still grieving the loss of her husband and Steve has yet to develop any actual character traits besides being a big eater.

The two decide to part ways, but Steve promises to return when DJ is over her grief and the writers decide what personality to give him.

 

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

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  • guppy06

    Because even the lesser(!) Camerons need gigs!