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This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.
This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore's character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone's favorite "canine" character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne.
This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.
In which everyone in Westeros experiences something more rare than a double rainbow or boobies that are completely immune to fire damage . . . a good day. Well, at least everyone whose name isn't Osha, Nameless Dead Dothraki Dudes and Loras with the Bad Hair . . .
This week, we bid farewell to the most adorable of Shaggydog(s) and the most odious of Olliepops. Also, Jon Snow has a small dong. Dany meets a Dothraki Regina George. And Bran realizes that playing Back to the Future could have Butterfly Effect consequences Ashton Kutcher never dreamed of!
This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, and only feel mildly guilty about doing it.