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Welcome back to Movie Duels, in which we watch two dueling movies and offer our eminently qualified opinion of which film, if any, has a reason for existing, and which one should have been left back at the pitch …
So The Phantom Menace was a disappointment, to say the least. But no matter; Lucas will have learned from his mistakes, and Episode II's gonna be awesome! Right?..... right?
A deeper look into the groundbreaking film that changed cinema.
The film (and perhaps the Wachowskis’ directing career) comes to a perfunctory end as we learn that while being ruler of a galactic empire might be nice, it can never compare to cleaning toilets for a living.
Jupiter finally meets the main villain of the film, and it feels like a complete afterthought. But on the plus side, somebody in this movie will win an “award” for his acting.
Jupiter and Titus are about to get married, but to the shock of no one, Titus has sinister motives. Cue “Mrs. Robinson” on the soundtrack as Caine rushes to stop the wedding.
“This film really did nothing but confirm the fact that Nicolas Cage doesn’t really care anymore. He’ll take just about any part to pay off his huge debts, and do absolutely nothing with the role.”
The troubled history of what was once the most expensive movie ever made.
The truth about Premium Abrasax is revealed and it’s exactly what we figured out 30 minutes ago. Also, Titus Abrasax shows his romantic side by trying to get with his mom’s identical twin.
Two writer-directors entrusted with a $175 million budget decide to bring their sci-fi/action film to a dead stop for no good reason. But hey, they got Terry Gilliam to do a cameo!
In which we meet a half-man/half-elephant, and Jupiter confesses her feelings for Caine in the most embarrassingly stupid way possible.
Hint: It involves people. Lots and lots of people. Oh, and get ready for the totally non-shocking reveal about why everyone is so interested in Jupiter.
The yin and yang of arcade-inspired movies. Lets see how they match up!
In which we learn the true origins of the human race, as well as Caine Wise’s tragic backstory, which is uncannily similar to a certain legendary bouncer.
“Are there people who were convinced up until this moment that bees are questioning, doubtful liars?”
“Caine’s just surfing the deferential equation slopes, broham!”
“Was this dialogue written by humans?”
“While it may not be based on an existing property, there’s nothing the slightest bit ‘original’ about this movie’s plot.”
“Based on the critical reception for this movie, and how utterly unoriginal and forgettable it is, I would be appalled, aghast, and amazed if Fox didn’t finally surrender the rights back to its rightful owners.”
“Bay simply ramps up the pace and explosion count from prior entries and layers on the Dinobots like so much icing on a shit cake.”