The war on magic starts today, folks! Until we decide that we actually like magic. Then, the war on magic ends. And we start a war against something else . . . people with multiple personality disorder, I think. Also, vanilla ice pops. We hate vanilla ice pops!
Tagged: once upon a time
You get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! This week, the writers of Once celebrate Mother’s Day, by murdering a handful of the show’s menfolk. Because, in Storybrook, girls run the world, and boys are just there to look pretty.
This week on Once, all the disjointed plot points line up in just the right way for everybody to conveniently get out of the Underworld . . . well, everybody except the guy they went in to get in the first place. Also, we learn the true inspiration behind Emma’s fashion choices.
This week’s installment of Once is all about The FAM: sisters, daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, evil twin brothers we accidentally turn into sperm. There’s enough complicated familial exchanges in this hour to fill up an entire year of therapy sessions. And you thought YOUR PARENTS SCREWED YOU UP FOR LIFE?
Because when you are really hot, look good in red, and occasionally turn into a murderous wolf, finding True Love only takes an hour tops (actually more like 45 minutes, and a few commercial breaks).
This week on Once, we get to watch the man who died after being turned into a rose, kick the bucket a second time, when he gets turned into a giant sperm. It’s actually kind of romantic, in a weird way.
Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?
Take a break from biting the heads off chocolate Easter bunnies to come on a high seas journey, where the water is always choppy, everyone smells like mildew, and no one knows how to steer. But hey, we’ve got brothers with dorky hats and Irish accents. Totally worth the seasickness / possible death by drowning, right?
This week on Once: a daring rescue goes awry; a reunion between old lovers reminds us just how incestuous this show actually is; Regina gets a new job as a horse whisperer; and a female character’s “secret” pregnancy is revealed by looking at her husband’s balls.
This week, Snow White remembers how awesome it was to make out with Hercules, and it causes her to decide she doesn’t want to be that old dishrag, Mary Margaret, anymore. Also, three cast members get head, but not in the fun way you are probably imagining . . .
Once is back for its 100th episode, and all your favorite characters from seasons past have returned. Well, at least the ones that couldn’t manage to find a better job in the last five years. It’s the Underworld, baby. Sometimes the Road to Hell is paved with unemployment.
This week on Once, the Storybrooke gang spend two minutes pondering how to deal with the town’s Massive Asshole Infestation Problem, and decide to roll over and die instead. Then, Emma and Hook engage in some kinky sword foreplay. Finally, everybody gets on a Big Ole Boat to Hell.
This week on Once, everybody got to reminisce about that time when Emma turned Hook into a GIANT ASSHOLE, and then made everyone stare into a dreamcatcher, until they forgot that she did it. Also this week, Hook acts like a GIANT ASSHOLE, but at least he looks really hot doing it.]
During Once’s second (less important) hour, Storybrooke’s junior varsity team of characters (Merida, Mulan, Red, Arthur and Zelena) compete against one another to see who will be the first to find an ugly hat. Then, someone finds the hat, but decides not to wear it because of “morals and stuff.”
This week on Once’s first episode, assholes were fruitful and multiplied. Specifically, Asshole Zelena had a baby. Asshole Emma learned the hard way that the quickest way to a man’s heart may not necessarily be injecting him with a heaping helping of asshole. Also, King Arthur remains The Worst.
This week on Once, we get to meet sexy Merlin’s crazy ex girlfriend, Emma finds a spark in the most PG-13 of places, Zelena makes morons out of the entire cast for the millionth time, Arthur continues to suck royally, and all the Biggest Assholes on the Planet get together and throw a kickass rager in Emma’s basement.
You know what’s hard? Being a hero on a Show About Heroes. Why? Because every time you try to do something heroic, there are always at least ten other people lining up to do it first.
This week, Merlin is bringing sexy back, Regina can cry me a river, Henry just wants to rock your body, and Emma tries to take back the night.
This week on Once, poorly kept secrets are revealed! King Arthur’s wife just might be having an affair! Henry ain’t exactly a lady killer! And air pollution has harmful effects on your health!
This week on Once, King Arthur and Prince Charming take a shroom-inspired trip together. Emma’s fast food-flavored seduction of Hook fails miserably. And King Arthur ends up being just as big of a douchebag as we all instantly suspected him of being.