MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD… 2016 sure was a year full of unpleasant surprises, huh? If you recall our December box-office predictions, I along with four of my fellow Agony Booth film reviewers predicted that Passengers...
“They join the battle alongside the French, all the while causing, presumably, numerous time paradoxes by blatantly messing with history. Or not. Timeline doesn’t really concern itself with such trivia.”
It’s the first video of Sofie’s Twilight Month (which will probably now last into April) as she reviews the final Twilight film, Breaking Dawn: Part 2. It’s the end of a saga… Yeah, a saga, sure.
The vampires are back, and more sparkly than ever. Will Bella be able to get over Edward? Will Jacob give up shirts altogether? Do you even care? Il Neige sure doesn’t, but that’s not gonna stop him from sitting through this two-hour mess of a sequel.
Stephenie Meyer’s novel gets split into two movies to extract an additional billion dollars from Twi-hards who line up for these things no matter how tedious or repulsive they get. And this one is certainly repulsive, as Bella gets pregnant with a half-vampire baby who treats her womb like a bouncy castle, Edward performs a Cesarean with his teeth, and Jacob embarks on an 18 year quest to groom his future wife.
Together with the Porn Critic, Sofie witnesses such exciting things as… a marriage! And a pregnancy! And pedophilia! Oh, Twilight, what will you come up with next?
Edward decides his kind is too dangerous to be around Bella, so he goes into contrived self-exile, leaving Bella to screech like a maniac for months before finally finding comfort in hot werewolf Jacob. Alas, Sofie’s endless mocking of the movie earns her the wrath of Pia (played by Sofie Liv), a scantily-clad airhead who breaks into Sofie’s house to share a love of all things Twilight!
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“Since 1982, fans had been asking for a sequel to Tron. Well, the studio dithered, and did nothing about that for the longest time. Then they decided that since so many other movie franchises had done so well picking up the pieces a decade or two later, well, why couldn’t they? After all, how hard could it be?”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”
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