September’s here and school is back in session, meaning it’s the time of the year that the studios usually reserve for more mature, adult-oriented films. Which sounds great in theory after a summer full...
Tagged: Channing Tatum
August is upon us, which means it’s time to find out which movies had the great misfortune of being dumped in a month where the prime moviegoing audience is preoccupied with vacations and going...
Welcome back to Movie Duels, in which we watch two dueling movies and offer our eminently qualified opinion of which film, if any, has a reason for existing, and which one should have been left back...
The film (and perhaps the Wachowskis’ directing career) comes to a perfunctory end as we learn that while being ruler of a galactic empire might be nice, it can never compare to cleaning toilets for a living.
Jupiter finally meets the main villain of the film, and it feels like a complete afterthought. But on the plus side, somebody in this movie will win an “award” for his acting.
Jupiter and Titus are about to get married, but to the shock of no one, Titus has sinister motives. Cue “Mrs. Robinson” on the soundtrack as Caine rushes to stop the wedding.
The truth about Premium Abrasax is revealed and it’s exactly what we figured out 30 minutes ago. Also, Titus Abrasax shows his romantic side by trying to get with his mom’s identical twin.
Two writer-directors entrusted with a $175 million budget decide to bring their sci-fi/action film to a dead stop for no good reason. But hey, they got Terry Gilliam to do a cameo!
A look at the much improved sequel to The Rise of Cobra.
In which we meet a half-man/half-elephant, and Jupiter confesses her feelings for Caine in the most embarrassingly stupid way possible.
Hint: It involves people. Lots and lots of people. Oh, and get ready for the totally non-shocking reveal about why everyone is so interested in Jupiter.
Jupiter Ascending (2015): a recap (part 5 of 12): Caine is the perfect hunting (and dancing) machine
In which we learn the true origins of the human race, as well as Caine Wise’s tragic backstory, which is uncannily similar to a certain legendary bouncer.
“Are there people who were convinced up until this moment that bees are questioning, doubtful liars?”
“Caine’s just surfing the deferential equation slopes, broham!”
“Was this dialogue written by humans?”
“While it may not be based on an existing property, there’s nothing the slightest bit ‘original’ about this movie’s plot.”
“This sequel to the reboot of the TV series 21 Jump Street is about as meta as a film can get.”
“21 Jump Street is a meta-film that laughs at its very existence.”
“These are the movies that almost nobody is excited about, and that almost nobody is looking forward to seeing (though, if history is any guide, people will still turn out in droves to pay to see them anyway).”
“While the actors/friends onscreen are clearly having the time of their lives, it doesn’t really carry over to those of us watching at home.”