Sweet Old Sportsball Guy Makes Us Cry With Nice Time About Michael Sam


Earlier this week, football player Michael Sam came out, and we all wrote about sportsball because it was nice time and also because NFL executives got granted anonymity by Sports Illustrated to say super-dickish things. But now it is nice time again (again again) because of this sweet old sportscaster dude, Dale Hansen, who made us all cry our faces off with his piece about Michael Sam.


Hansen, who is a longtime Dallas sportscaster, first did some some sportsball talk about how Sam is the best defensive player in somewhereville and therefore would normally be close to the top of the heap, NFL draft-wise, but then he gets to the part where you yell “fuck yeah” at the video, because you are not at the crying your face off part quite yet.

You beat a woman and drag her down a flight of stairs, pulling her hair out by the roots? You’re the fourth guy taken in the NFL draft.

You kill people while driving drunk? That guy’s welcome.

Players caught in hotel rooms with illegal drugs and prostitutes? We know they’re welcome.

Players accused of rape and pay the woman to go away?

You lie to police trying to cover up a murder? We’re comfortable with that.

You love another man? Well, now you’ve gone too far!

He then goes on to remind sportsball fans that there was a time when they didn’t let black players play football either, and that was some bullshit. (He doesn’t say “bullshit.” He’s a nice old man on a teevee, for crying out loud.) That’s the part where you nod your head. Uh-huh, you say. Tell it like it is, Mr. Dale Hansen sportsball dude. But then, for serious, he goes in for the cry your face off kill.

“I’m not always comfortable when a man tells me he’s gay; I don’t understand his world,” Hansen said. “But I do understand that he’s part of mine.”

YOU GUYS we are dying of nice time here, but then he takes it to the next level and QUOTES AUDRE LORDE:

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”

All the tears. All of them. Thank you, sportsball guy Dale Hansen. If we paid attention to sportsball, we would now watch you every day, because you for real seem like a deeply nice and thoughtful man.


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