Oct 14, 2020
Your Super Ultimate Everything-You-Need Thanksgiving Listicle Since All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
BREAKING: It is Thanksgiving tomorrow. True story! We checked the internets, and apparently, all Very Serious Journalists are required to write about their most favoritest cranberry recipe (open can, empty into bowl) or how they hope their football team does better than the other football team or which awful terrible B movies are MUST WATCH. So, we guess we should offer our Thanksgiving list of Thanksgiving stuff you should do/eat/drink/watch because, shit, news is slow so what else are we gonna do?
1. Drink. This is a time-honored tradition of surviving holidays with people you don’t really like. You could do it all classy-like, with a Martha Stewart recipe. Or you could just drink out of your bra.
2. Burn your menorah tree. This is a dumb thing we cannot even believe exists. Instead, spend your time cleaning your actual menorah. Because it is also Chanukah — no, it is not Thanksgivingkah or whatever the fuck. Stop saying that, Jesus Candle-lighting Christ. It is not a thing, and this should definitely not be a thing. You know you did not clean the wax off your menorah last year like your bubbie taught you because lazy; you just put that dirty old thing back on your obligatory Jew shelf and now you have to scrape that shit off.
3. Avoid Pizza Hut. It is a terrible place that makes terrible pizza, but it is especially terrible this year for firing one store manager who had the audacity to want to give workers the day off. Also, terrible.
4. Drink. See No. 1. above.
5. Get an early start on your holiday shopping. Here, we have made you a wish list of all the wonderfully terrible things we would like you to buy for us.
6. Make fun of the vegetarians in your life, who have to eat things like Baked Kataifi-Wrapped Goat Cheese and pretend it’s as good as gravy-smothered turkey.
7. Google Kataifi.
8. Drink. See Nos. 1 and 4 above.
9. Hate Walmart. Because every day is a good day to hate Walmart, but especially when it asks employees to donate food to other employees because it does not pay its employees enough money to buy food, even at Walmart.
10. Watch a terrible holiday movie. There are many to choose from, and they are mostly all terrible (except for Hannah and Her Sisters, which is awesome because early Woody Allen). We recommend checking out ThanksKilling, about an evil turkey that kills college students.
We have not seen it, but that sure seems like a great way to hate yourself if you’re into that sort of thing.