Super Friends! “The Mysterious Moles” (part 7 of 8)

Batman goes off to help Aquaman out, because when you’re only useful in the water, it’s good to have backup.

Underwater, Aquaman encounters the beastie, which looks like a giant fish that someone stuck tentacles on. What, you were expecting something impressive?

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 7 of 8)

Aquaman says to himself, “By the beard of Poseidon, what’s that?” He quickly grabs a tentacle and swims really fast in the opposite direction. He’s yanked back quickly, while up top, the other three heroes try to get the second tentacle off the tree.

Robin marvels at the strength of the beast, while underwater, Aquaman gets the other tentacle stuck between some rocks. Hoping out loud that the beast will take a shot at him with the second tentacle to free itself, he gets his wish, as the beast does let the tree go in order to deal with the new problem.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 7 of 8)

Aquaman grabs the second tentacle and ties it to the rocks with the other one, twisting them into a giant knot. Making this slightly less cool is the line that comes during this.

Aquaman: They say you can’t put a camel through a needle’s eye. Thank goodness this isn’t a camel.

Is this what happens when you have water on the brain? If so, I pray I never get it.

This being a ‘70s kiddie program, Aquaman decides to “have a little rap session” with the beast, which entails scolding it telepathically (though his mouth is moving during this). The monster blubbers, and Aquaman translates by way of repeating its words right back. Apparently, the beast was just having a little fun, which is more than I can say for me during the first half hour of this thing.

Aquaman makes the beast promise not to do it again. He swims off as we go to our last break. Wow, I think we just saw the first time Aquaman has ever been useful on this show.

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Back from the break, Aquaman resurfaces and reports on what happened. The tree shakes his hand, which stuns him, which is odd, considering he just talked with a giant sea monster a minute ago.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 7 of 8)

Batman laughingly explains that the trees in the area are friendly, noting “You might say its bark is worse than its bite.” Thanks Batman, now I don’t have to use that shitty pun. Much appreciated.

They all have a good laugh at this, and Wonder Woman explains for the billionth time that the trees and rocks can move around freely on their own. Some more marveling goes on, and Wendy finds a large pink diamond. They see the mass of diamonds from earlier, and evidently they’re growing out of a huge pit with a blue flame.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 7 of 8)

Wonder Woman goes on to explain where diamonds come from, and Batman suggests they move on. Back on the power plant roof, Superman is still standing around doing nothing, which I will grant you is what tends to happen when parents’ groups cause a show to get watered down like this.

Caption contributed by Ed

Superman, Man of… Well, mainly procrastination and stupidity, really.

Supes notices some rocks rolling towards the valley, and flies off to stop them before they can do any damage. He yells in mid-flight, “One at a time won’t work. I must stop all of them at once!” Hey, whatever speeds this thing along, pal. Right now, the most useful guy on your team is the blonde dude who talks to fish. You’re not looking too good right now.

Superman plows into the ground feet first, making a trench which the rocks obligingly fall into.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 7 of 8)

Cut to the power plant, where one huge boulder appears and crashes through a wall, as the drill appears. Elsewhere, Max is pouring water on a tree, and in a twist, it turns out the plan is to steal a large generator in the plant to power the cooling units. Ted narrates all of this, but it’s rather incoherent, so I just simplified things to save us all some time. You’re welcome.

At the Superman-made trench, the Man of Steel wonders if the rocks were just a ruse to divert his attention. Seeing the air conditioner still in place on the roof, he assumes all is well. So… Superman is a dick, lazy, insane, and something of a dullard, who’s nearly invincible. How is it that Aquaman has the shitty rep from this show, again?

Down in Molesville, our heroes locate the air conditioners. Wonder Woman spells out the plot once again, and after more questions that have been answered already, the drill bores through a rock wall, scaring Wonder Dog.

They recognize the Moles in the drill, and Minnie orders them to leave. Batman tells the kids to hide as Wonder Woman talks to the Moles. Minnie orders the rocks and trees to attack, and Robin has to be reminded by Batman that “they’re simple, innocent creatures being misled by Minnie Mole.”

I’m not shocked, actually. This is, after all, a character who in the 1966 movie expressed surprise that Batman would save drunks in a bar. He might be a bigger dick than Superman, actually!

Caption contributed by Ed

When She-Males Attack, next on Tru TV!

Wonder Woman suggests reasoning with the rocks and trees, while Minnie tries to assure the rocks and trees that they brought the air conditioners to cool things down for them. Yes, we are seeing rocks and trees being run through an ethical dilemma by a group of people wearing tights and a she-male who sounds like Roseanne Barr.

The she-male wins the argument, and our heroes are backed into a corner by the rocks and trees. They need to find a solution without harming the rocks and trees, but they’re stumped. Robin wishes Superman were here. Cut to the power plant, where Superman is apprised of the stolen generator by a plant worker.

Caption contributed by Ed

“Nice work, dickhead. Which form of kryptonite is it that turns you into a slack-jawed moron?”

And so, Superman burrows down through the ground, while Ted just babbles on and on. Can we help the guy find his checkbook already? I’m getting tired of this!

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles"

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