Dec 14, 2017
Super Friends! “The Giants of Doom” (part 4 of 5)
Bizarro puts the aspirin into a ray gun and fires it in the general vicinity of where the villains are standing. They’re enveloped by a yellow field and begin to grow larger.
Just as an aside: if this is what the writers intended by the phrase “ray device” at the beginning, I applaud them… for writing in a manner more confusing than advanced particle physics.
Outside, Superman is trying to stop the gravity ray, which he does in a rather unique way. He flies right up to the ship and twists the beam guns, distracting both Luthor and Brainiac. You know, as opposed to punching through the windshield and knocking them out, which he could have just as easily done.
Oh right, little kids watching. Probably bouncing off the goddamn walls due to the major sugar rush from the cereal they’re eating, but still!
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Superman pulls the ship down and declares it “all over”, to which Luthor tells him to look behind him. Turning, our heroes see this:
You know, even as tall as they are, they’re still not at all scary. Batman exclaims, “Great Gotham, they must be 100 feet tall!” And we fade to commercial break.
Back from break (buy more sugary cereal, kids!), Sinestro gloats that the Super Friends “don’t look so super from up here!” I got news for you, pal. They’re not so hot at ground level, either. It’s like a special ed class in tights.
Superman is shocked to the point where his arms splay out weirdly (I think the animators’ stash was running out when they drew this bit), and he proclaims it will take all of their collected power to stop the Legion.
Well, I guess they’re boned.
Superman flies at Bizarro, only to be flicked away like a bug.
Wonder Woman tries to take down Toyman with her lasso, but ends up being used as a human yoyo.
Bizarro follows this up by stomping down hard on the ground, which opens up a crack that sends Batman, Robin, and Apache Chief running for cover.
…Apache Chief, huh? Say, can’t Runs Like a Bitch grow to an impressive height too? Might be a good idea to remind him of that.
He stops right in front of Aquaman and Black Vulcan (about time that guy showed up) and soon our heroes are cornered by the giant villains. Captain Cold traps them in an ice cube and they end up locked inside a transparent capsule. Or maybe that’s what Cold created. Ah hell, who gives a shit? Let’s move on.
Toyman uses a slingshot to blast them into the depths of space, and I guess you could say the villains really gave them a cold reception, eh?
[Please hold while the author is beaten within an inch of his life for that shitty pun.]
Okay then, sorry about that. Our frozen heroes end up on Saturn, while the Legion of Doom has a meeting back at the Hall. In order to stave off any more trouble, Luthor activates a force field that surrounds the entire planet, which for some reason the good guys have built into their fortress. You know, just in case they decide “Fuck it, we’re powerful enough we can own this planet!”
After quickly cutting back to Saturn as the Super Friends land, we go to D.C. where people are fleeing in terror as Bizarro pulls a Godzilla on the city. Oddly enough, he’s not taller than the Washington Monument, which might be some odd patriotic statement on someone’s part. Nonetheless, he destroys it with one light chop from his hand and orders the city to surrender.
You know, that’s what we need! A film about a giant monster who also knows kung-fu! And you could have Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude van Damme fight it. Hell, with the size of their egos, you wouldn’t even need to make them giants in order for it to be a fair fight!
Moving on, Sinestro is doing something similar in Peking, complete with the really bizarre visual of his leg stepping over a castle wall.
He orders the Chinese to surrender their country, but the one guy he’s talking to replies that they’ll fight him with their army of millions. Hmm, a super villain vs. the Commies. Whoever wins, we lose, I guess.
Sinestro uses his ring to create a giant lion, tiger, and bear (oh my!), and somehow, this is enough to make the military surrender.
On Saturn (actually, in the core of the planet, according to the narrator) the Super Friends are still frozen.
Suddenly, Batman’s belt begins to glow, and they are freed. You know, the only reason I’m not going to make a joke regarding Robin here is that he’s not right next to Batman.
But Wonder Woman is!
Turns out his utility belt has a defroster, just in case, which leads me to wonder just what the hell kind of shit Batman has to deal with on a regular basis. Christ, Mr. Freeze can’t be on the loose all the time, can he?
Deus Ex Plot Convenience accomplished, Superman hopes they can get back home just as easily, and he accurately guesses they’re on Saturn. Amusingly enough, Wonder Woman and Hawkman are next to him during this, and Hawkman looks like he’s freezing his tail feathers off.
They walk along, all clumped together, except for Aquaman and Flash. I guess it was just too expensive to pencil them in.
From out of nowhere, a gas monster appears right between Batman and Robin, grabbing Robin with its tentacles.
Okay, we’ll do that, I guess.
Batman and Green Lantern are also captured easily, but Flash whirls around really fast, creating a “super tornado” to help everyone escape.
It works, and the entire group is suddenly flying through space. Yes, even the regular humans with no powers who just traipse around in their underwear fighting crime. They’re all flying around in space… with no helmets… and no oxygen supply.
You know, even for this show, that’s a whopper. This show takes common sense and beats it to a bloody, nearly unrecognizable pulp.