Come Celebrate Your Great And Glorious Capitalist Freedom By Watching Super Bowl Ads Again, For America

Are you one of those people who sneers at the sportsball and explains to everyone without cease that you only watch the Super Bowl for the ads? Yesterday was your day to shine and to be too cool for school about sporting events, but haha joke is on you because this year’s ads were kinda suck.


OK honestly there are tons of ads we apparently did not see, because we were drunk or sobbing into our hands over the Broncos or laughing our balls off at that missed snap or all of the above.


What have we got, besides Coca-Cola making Allen West mad forever because there were furriners in their ad? There was the Stephen Colbert cracks his own pistachio head open, which was equal parts hilarious and creepy.

There were several opportunities to laugh at Tim Tebow, who Jesus did not love enough to let him keep playing football, but one of the minor saints must still be looking out for him because he popped up in T-Mobile commercials.

There was the Axe body spray ad which was as annoying as all other Axe body spray ads, but also too had that special added element, the secret sauce, of accidentally reminding us that Kim Jong-un murdered his girlfriend.

Scarlett Johansson showed up to pimp SodaStream, an ad over which there was much brouhaha over something complicated about Palestine and Israel. All we really cared about was whether Scarlett would show us her magnificent tits in this ad, but regrettably she failed to do so.

Radio Shack reminded us that if you were a teenager in the 1980s, you are basically now just like the boomers were 20 years ago and all you really want are ads featuring cultural touchstones that are relevant to you and utterly pointless to younger people. Nice to see someone employing Kid’n’Play, though. Those guys for sure need the work.

Speaking of ’80s nostalgia, we could totally have done without the “Full House” reunion for Dannon’s Greek-style yogurt.

This year was apparently go big or go home time for Greek yogurt, as Chobani also bought serious ad time with the tale of a bear who wrecks the entire store looking for Chobani. Why? We have no idea. Is it a gay thing?

James Franco did an ad with a tiger and some sort of shiny tuxedo or smoking jacket, which is exactly what we want and expect out of James Franco.

Why is the Bob Dylan Chrysler ad not here, you ask? Because we had to do a whole separate piece on that thing because it reaches an epic level of awful that cannot be scaled in just one post.

Let’s face it, though. Far and away the greatest advertisement in the history of mankind was this local law firm ad for the improbably-named “Jamie Casino” that regrettably only aired in Georgia.

Seriously, that thing is so slick and cheesy, so ridiculous yet infused with an underlying menace, that it could be a trailer for a Lifetime television movie. We do not live in Georgia, nor are we injured in any fashion at the moment, but we are totally fucking hiring this guy right now, because he’s a badass.

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