Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition

Today’s New York Times dives right in to making sure that conservatives hate it, and not just because it isn’t just wall-to-wall birf certificate yelling and hilarious cartoons about lynching the president and reviews of new Ted Nugent albums. The Times is glorifying the apostate gun writers, who are one step away from gun grabbers.

The byline of Dick Metcalf, one of the country’s pre-eminent gun journalists, has gone missing. It has been removed from Guns & Ammo magazine, where his widely-read column once ran on the back page. He no longer stars on a popular television show about firearms. Gun companies have stopped flying him around the world and sending him the latest weapons to review.

In late October, Mr. Metcalf wrote a column that the magazine titled “Let’s Talk Limits,” which debated gun laws. “The fact is,” wrote Mr. Metcalf, who has taught history at Cornell and Yale, “all constitutional rights are regulated, always have been, and need to be.”

INPEACH DICK METCALF. Everyone knows that the first rule of Gun Club is to never talk bad about guns and to never suggest that there would be any possible reason whatsoever to regulate them in any fashion.

“We are locked in a struggle with powerful forces in this country who will do anything to destroy the Second Amendment,” said Richard Venola, a former editor of Guns & Ammo. “The time for ceding some rational points is gone.”

Yes. Fuck rational points. What you need up in here is some honest-to-god irrational people whose sole qualification for writing is that they love guns the very mostest, even if they are actually really terrible people like one Mr. Richard Venola.

Mr. Venola, the former Guns & Ammo editor, described the relationship between the magazine’s editors and the gun makers as a necessarily cozy one. “You have to be in cahoots with the manufacturer, in order to make the publication appeal to the readership,” he said. “Say you write about boats. At some point you’re going to end up on the sun deck of a boat, downing sundowners after testing one, with the guy who makes it. It’s just how it happens.”

(Mr. Venola had murder charges against him dismissed in Arizona last year. He said he was defending himself after fatally shooting a neighbor during an argument.)

Gun-grabbing Dick Metcalf, who said 16 hours of mandated gun safety training before you could get a concealed carry permit is not the same as getting sent to FEMA camps, is clearly one thousand times more of a monster than murder-y Richard Venola. Still, we are sure that Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, and the whole of wingnut land will come to Metcalf’s defense and demand he be reinstated at Guns and Ammo, because of free speechiness. Haha we are so sure of that not happening that we would bet you actual monies on it.

This week’s Sunday NYT is also extra full of propaganda because it won’t stop shilling for notorious leftist Bill de Blasio, who is basically Chairman Mao mixed with Lenin and sprinkled with Malcolm X. He was sworn in as mayor this week and if you’re a god-fearing right winger you should probably get out of town right now before everything goes all Escape from New York.

Even Maureen Dowd gets in on the act, writing a profile of de Blasio’s new police commissioner, William Bratton. We thought maybe someone was ghostwriting for MoDo because the column didn’t have that weird “I love you I hate you why won’t you love me?” flavor that usually happens when MoDo writes about men. But then we hit the second page and ran head first into some really terrible writing, so we knew it was her all along.

Bratton must be the affirmative answer to all the jittery New Yorkers asking “Is it safe?,” fearing that fiends are going to start climbing out of manholes if the new mayor goes all flower power on crime.

God, after that even the Chinbeard Warrior Ross Douthat nattering on about the new regime sounds less ridiculous.

THIS much can be said for Bill de Blasio’s inauguration, which featured a concentration of left-wing agitprop unseen since the last time Pete Seeger occupied a stage alone: If the waning years of Barack Obama’s presidency are going to be defined by a liberal crusade against income inequality, there’s no more fitting place to kick it off than New York City.

Those liberals and their crusades! Obama tells you he wants to fight poverty, but all he is really doing is going to the beach to frolic in Hawaii, which we all know isn’t really in America.

After a two-week vacation on the windward side of Oahu, ensconced with his family in a private beachfront rental, President Obama prepared on Saturday to return to the chillier clime — both politically and weather-wise — of the nation’s capital. […]

He went to the gym at Marine Corps Base Hawaii for a sunrise workout. He played golf nine out of 15 days. And he and the first lady, Michelle Obama, stepped out for dinner at a few of their favorite restaurants: Alan Wong’s, Morimoto Waikiki (twice!) and Nobu Waikiki.

Are you in a private beachfront rental in Hawaii? Are you playing golf? No you are not, because Obama has eaten all the golf and warm weather. Sorry, America. Why not consider comforting yourself with the gorgeous blue eyes of Ronan Farrow, who gets quite the tongue-bath from the Times today in advance of his new show on MSNBC later this year.

It was a fall day on the Upper East Side, and Ronan Farrow didn’t yet have a cold, but he was working on it. He arrived for lunch completely soaked, having been caught in a downpour without an umbrella. We ordered our meals, talked books, movies, music (in Washington, he would occasionally busk on the sidewalk to try out the songs he has been recording for an album). At one point he pulled off a striking Katharine Hepburn impersonation. The conversation turned to his book, which he sold to Penguin this fall.

Did you get it? Did you get it? It was Frank Sinatra who had a cold! We wonder if people got it.

Anyway, anything you do in this this life is probably not as stylish or impressive as when Ronan Farrow does it, especially if you’re busking on the sidewalk, because no one should actually do that unless they are the preternaturally handsome Ronan Farrow.

Instead of aspiring to Farrow-ness, maybe go visit the etiquette page so you can remember that no matter how pathetic and non-Ronan Farrow your life might be, you are not one of these terrible people.

Our extended family celebrates the children’s birthdays with bimonthly dinners. My mother always makes a special request about her cake portion: “Not so big!” “Just a sliver.” “Half that much!” (Often, having eaten the requested amount, she can be found cutting herself another piece.) After long evenings entertaining large crowds, her requests annoy me. May I tell her to serve herself from now on?

Honey, if your biggest problem with your mother is that she prefers a non-standard cake size, you are way WAY ahead of the game. Also, is it particularly exhausting to cut cake and we just didn’t know?

Who is worse than that lady? This person.

I want to invite 20 friends to my birthday party at a friend’s restaurant. How do I indicate that I am not paying for the meal? And can I suggest gifts that I might actually use?

While it is cool to not want to foot the bill for 20 friends at a restaurant, especially if your friends are lushes like ours are, you actually think it is appropriate to demand that they give pre-selected gifts? That’s called a wedding registry. Grown people do not make special gift requests from their friends for their birthdays. In fact, many grown people forgo the tradition of making their friends give them gifts for their birthday. Crazy, right? To his credit, the social etiquette guy tells them that if they say anything on the invite about gifts, he will reach through the computer and smack them. Yay social etiquette guy.

But wait! Who makes even less sense than the “give me gifts I want” person? Thomas Friedman, of course, who has rode in from imaginary land to explain that America is failing on account of how parents and kids are so lazy.

In some cities, teachers’ unions really are holding up education reform. But we need to stop blaming teachers alone. We also have a parent problem: parents who do not take an interest in their children’s schooling or set high standards. And we have a student problem: students who do not understand the connection between their skills and their life opportunities and are unwilling to work to today’s global standards. Reform requires a hybrid of both teacher reform and a sustained — not just one speech — national campaign to challenge parents and create a culture of respect and excitement for learning. Obama has failed to use his unique bully pulpit to lead such a campaign.

Yes, Thomas Friedman. The problem isn’t poverty, or criminally underfunded schools, or the rise of charter schools being able to hoover up public money. If only the students were just willing to work to today’s global standards. Surely little Bobby, who lives with his aunt because both his parents are in jail and goes to a school that is literally crumbling, could just catch on to how to be a better future-forward synergy worker if he’d just apply himself.

Oh god we just realized that this is only the first week of 2014 and that means we have roughly 50 more weeks of this patented Friedman insight in this year alone.

Send help. Send whiskey. Pray for us.

[NYT]

You may also like...

  • x111e7thst

    Send lawyers guns and money?

  • Mahousu

    Send whiskey? Now who’s preselecting gifts? I guess I’ll just have to take this Mount Gay Extra Old back to the store, then.

  • AnOuthouse

    Tommy married his global standard. You gotta work for yours, you leech.

  • JKMas

    Moving Wonkette content to this site to inflate its traffic is totes kewl.

    • BMW

      I hear posting the same comment on both sites is da bomb-digity as well.

  • Applause for “the Sinatra has a cold” thing. I totally would not have gotten it. Funny thing, I was reading the story on Metcalfe, but I gave up after the first Venola quote because it just sounded too crazy. Ha! Jokes on me. That was before they got to the murder charge.

  • willi0000000

    “…unwilling to work to today’s global standards.”i assume this means $0.14/hour.[no overtime, no vacations, no sick time, no benefits…]

  • Duckler

    This Ronan Farrow guy, I do not like this guy..

  • BMW

    I suspect Bill de Blasio will some day be spoken of with the same revere and awe as Bill Brasky… “Bill de Blasio is a son of a bitch!” “Bill de Blasio once helped Peggy Noonan get sobered up just so he could drive her to drink again!” “I heard Alec Baldwin has a summer home in de Blasio’s groin!” “Are you guys talking about Bill de Blasio? I know Bill de Blasio!” “Bill de Blasio turned a black lesbian woman straight, and their son has the most beautiful Afro you’ve ever seen!” “To Bill de Blasio!”

  • Farb

    The gunners are going to use guns to protect their right to perhaps use guns. After all, how else can they threaten the rest of us?

  • mmeetoilenoir

    Thank you for gracing me with the perfection that is Ronan Farrow. Uuuugh, he’s so fine.