Suicide Squad (2016): a recap (part 8 of 9)

A while ago on Suicide Squad: The most useful member of the team found his cojones, only to sacrifice them (and everything else) to kill Enchantress’s brother “Chester”, whose real name I never heard even once. But Enchantress’s machine is finished and there’s no telling what it’ll do. Like, literally. We have no idea what it does. Now it’s up to the bad guys to get it together and stop the bad guy.


The guys look at the hole that used to be Chester and Diablo. Harley looks horrorstruck. Everyone else is pretty meh.


Deadshot looks over at Enchantress. “You next,” he says.

“My spell is complete,” she retorts. “Once you and your armies are gone, my darkness will spread across this world and it will be mine to rule.” Yawwwn.

She raises her hands dramatically and the beam of light intensifies. It erupts out into space and destroys a satellite. Down in the Pentagon, Waller’s bosses are watching it happen.

Good thing the beam didn’t hit the other satellite a short distance away with the camera on it, or we wouldn’t know what was going on!

From space, we see a starfish-shaped cloud blanket North America. The lights go out for large swaths of the continent. A second beam of energy hits a building. “How did this witch even know how to target this thing?” says Waller’s sycophant from earlier. “It’s a secret facility!”

Good thing the beam didn’t hit the camera on the fence outside!

Cut to Amanda Waller, unconscious and floating in the air, with one of Enchantress’s butt tentacles attached to her temple (though the tentacles don’t seem to be attached to Enchantress anymore. Curious).

Ugh, sleep clinics suck.

Flag says they have to cut her heart out. Enchantress hears this and envelops herself in magic light. When it dissipates, she’s wearing her old filthy rags and her old coating of scum. I guess I wouldn’t want to fight in that hat either.

They’re after the precioussss!

Now comes the big boss battle. So how does a witch with god-level powers deal with six semi-trained humans with no powers? Hand-to-hand combat, of course! She teleports lazily around, trading blows with one person after another, trying to get the drop on somebody but not trying too hard.

She has the Power Rangers villain power of turning body blows into showers of sparks.

“While we’re fighting, that thing’s laying waste to the whole damn world!” Flag shouts. To illustrate the point, the device’s beam tears apart an aircraft carrier.

They laughed at Waller for blowing so much money on cameras to continuously film all their secret installations. Who’s laughing now?

Enchantress disappears for a while and comes back with two swords. Awesome; so she’s switched to the second biggest possible waste of her time. Although somehow, she still prefers punching people and sending them flying a nonlethal distance over stabbing them, or better yet, disintegrating them with magic beams.

Suddenly, a mysterious claw appears from behind a rubble pile… and it’s Killer Croc!

That’s right, he escaped the mummy-infested tunnel! How? No one cares! Literally! No one says anything to Killer Croc or even acknowledges that he just showed up. To be fair, I’m pretty sure that Killer Croc’s little side-quest was shot in post and edited in later, but these guys don’t know that; they’re not Deadpool.

Killer Croc picks Enchantress up by the ankles while she’s trying to stab Boomerang, wasting yet another perfectly good opportunity to kill that dope. He bashes her against the wall, and that’s his contribution to the fight.

“Enough!” Enchantress cries, and with a Jedi hand gesture, she telekinetically sweeps everyone’s weapons from their hands, which she probably should have done in the first place.

Enchantress gives them a couple of stock you-have-earned-mercy/join-me-or-die lines. “I’m not much of a joiner,” Harley says, “but maybe we should.” Holy shit, a bad guy actually acting in character as a bad guy? I do believe I messed my britches.

“I’m a millennial on the job market! I can’t be picky.”

“Harley, she’s trying to take over the world,” Deadshot says. “So?” Harley answers. “What’s the world ever done for us, anyway? It hates us!” It should be noted that for this scene, Harley’s Noo Yawk accent, which throughout the course of the movie has swung between “barely there” and “Coffee Talk With Linda Richman“, suddenly gets turned up to 11 and reaches Wolf of Wall Street levels of obnoxiousness.

“I lost my puddin’,” Harley implores Enchantress. “But you can get him back, right?”

We have no idea whether or not she can. “I can, my dear,” Enchantress says.

Harley gets down on her knees, and not for the usual reason. “I like what you’re sellin’, lady,” Harley says. Katana’s katana is lying on the ground, exactly halfway in between Harley and Enchantress. Harley’s eyes visibly flicker to it; Enchantress is oblivious.

*play it cool play it cool play it cool*

“There’s just one problem.” Harley moves closer to the sword. Enchantress seems to notice this, but again does nothing.

“You messed with my friends!” Harley scoops up the sword, slices open Enchantress’s chest, and snatches her heart out in one fluid motion.

“Okay, now your behavior is REALLY starting to make me suspicious!”

The dudes on the team take their cue to grab… something… from a backpack. Probably some kind of explosive? Flag passes it off to Killer Croc, who uses the natural throwing arm of a crocodile to chuck it real good. Harley, meanwhile, picks her gun off the ground and heaves it over to Deadshot. Deadshot catches it and aims it at the explosive, meaning to set the explosive off with a bullet, which is not the best idea.

The whole sequence seems extraordinarily well-choreographed; the kind of thing they’d have had to plan in advance, or at least say, “Hey, I’m gonna throw this bomb at the machine, so be ready.”

Instead of using her teleporting powers (which we’ve seen her use without her heart), or any other witchy powers which might come in handy here, Enchantress slows down time and makes Deadshot imagine his daughter standing beneath his gun hand. “Please, Daddy, don’t do it,” his daughter implores. “The only way for us to be together is if you don’t pull the trigger.”

“Well, if you were Jaden, this’d be an easier choice.”

Deadshot does a scrunchy-face scream like he’s having painful gas, and pulls the trigger. The machine blows up and the ring of debris outside crashes to the ground.

In the aftermath, Boomerang, of all people, finds Enchantress’s heart. Flag stops Katana from killing Enchantress so he can try to force her to bring June back. “You bring her back or I’ll crush this!” he says.

“You don’t have the balls,” Enchantress says. His masculinity challenged, Flag has no choice but to crush the heart and kill Enchantress.

To the viewer’s “surprise”, crushing the heart kills Enchantress but leaves June intact. After a suspense-building moment, June peels off Enchantress’s dirt crust like a snakeskin and gathers up Flag in a big ol’ kiss.

A little too much foundation, maybe?

But their fun is short-lived, because Amanda Waller, looking hale and clean and pressed, steps out to greet them, head-exploder at the ready. “How are you not dead?” Deadshot asks. Waller thanks them all for their service and promises them each ten years off their sentences.

Deadshot balks. “Nah, that’s not enough. I’m seeing my daughter.””That can be arranged,” says Waller. I would maybe make sure Waller still has her own job before making any “arrangements”, but I’m just like that.

“Any other requests?” “An espresso machine,” says Harley. “BET,” says Killer Croc.

“I’ll just get you a basic cable package. Getting them to sell you a channel à la carte is beyond even my power.”

Captain Boomerang is less easily mollified. “Ten years off a triple life sentence? Darling, I’m walking out of here a free man, or you and me are gonna start having some real fun.”

“Okay,” Waller says, fingering her phone. “Let’s have some fun.”

Whatever fun Waller came up with must’ve been deemed too awesome to stay in the movie, because we cut next to Gotham City, with Deadshot having a supervised visit with his daughter where he (presumably) helps her with her homework and teaches her the Pythagorean theorem. “So if you’re up here, like in a building,” she says, indicating the adjacent/opposite angle, “and you shoot a man on the ground, that’s how far the bullet actually goes?” she asks. God damn. I want a sequel with her in it.

“Question 4: If a 30.06 bullet enters the skull at a 40-degree angle, travelling 1,300 fps, what’s the minimum extent of blood spatter?”

Meanwhile, back at Belle Reve, “Bohemian Rhapsody” is playing on the soundtrack. Harley’s drinking espresso and reading a trashy romance novel, Killer Croc is watching some thicc ladies on BET, Captain Boomerang is hollering to be let out of his cell, and Deadshot is reading some letters and hugging his punching bag. Aww, that’s adowwable.

Suddenly, the wall behind Harley bursts in and a bunch of people dressed like SWAT officers clear the area and break open Harley’s cell door with a circular saw. Mother of Mercy, it’s Joker!

“Puddin’!” she shrieks. “Let’s go home,” says the Joker. Fade to neon.

Good goin’, future Treasury Secretary!

Well folks, it’s over, but it ain’t over over. Come back next week for part 9, where we’ll do a little postgame. We’ll discuss the movie’s famously troubled production, review some deleted scenes, and hopefully figure out what Killer Croc is eating in this scene.

My money’s on “old sprouted potato”.

Multi-Part Article: Suicide Squad: a recap

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