Aug 17, 2021
This Subway/’Hunger Games’ Tie-in Is Terribawesome But We Can Do Better
Why not go watch this Subway sandwich/Hunger Games tie in, which tells you that sometimes being bold is when you defeat the odds BY KILLING EVERYONE ELSE and sometimes it is when you eat a delicious sandwich? Those things are exactly alike and not at all weird to link together! A movie about starving the populace to death and literally making children kill each other dead to get a morsel more of food for their ward goes so well with a footlong sub.
Now, you will think to yourself WHO IN THE FUCK LET THIS HAPPEN? But then you will remember that many someones let that happen, because this thing had to be greenlit through about 100 layers of people. And lest you suspect it is a clever well-filmed parody, we point you to this delightful ad that is presumably in Subway stores or magazines somewhere:
Besides the tantalizing sandwiches that can be dangled in front of your starving feral children, you can also offer them the prospect of a victory tour, which presumably they may only embark upon after killing lots of other children. Fun!
And hey guess what?! We’re not limiting the terrible tie-ins to just delicious footlong processed meat and weirdly sprayed with preservatives veggies. Nuh-uh. Soon, you may have the chance to send off little Ashley and Blake to Hunger Games camp:
“We have been approached in two different territories about potential theme park opportunities, which gives you a sense of the cultural impact of this franchise,” Feltheimer told analysts during a conference call after the release of his second quarter results Friday. “We are excited about those opportunities and are pursuing them,” he added.
Even more fun! And hey, if only one of your kids come back because of how only one can survive, less work for you at home and less daycare money you have to spend. Everyone wins at these Hunger Games!
Clearly, some key tie-in possibilities have been overlooked, but since we’re all about synergizing here at Happy, we’ve run the numbers and we have some really value-added propositions.
What about Charlton Heston’s Scintillating Soylent Sammich?
Or try RoboGerber, the nutrient paste for the little ones!
Why not brave impossible odds and travel thousands of miles through rat-infested sewers to finally get to “El Norte” so you can try the taste sensation that is Taco Bell’s Dorito Locos Taco? You might literally go mad trying to get there!
Hey kids! Let’s pretend you’re finally free of slavery and try these 12 Years A Slave Aunt Jemima pancakes! They’re worth the wait!
And of course, we know Virgin Galactic is only beginning to take baby steps spaceward, but once they do, travelers will be treated to a continuous loop of Alfonso Cuaron’s soon-to-be-award-winning “Gravity,” where after all not everybody dies.
Isn’t it just zestful and exciting to think outside of the box and innovate? We just feel so empowered and can’t wait for our next action item!