Submerged (2005) (part 3 of 6)

Cut to the Atlantic Ocean. More specifically, to the aircraft carrier USS Clinton. Boy, the parties on that ship must be awesome.

A chopper lands and our hero finally makes his entrance. He’s shot in the shadows and… holy mother of god. I thought wearing black was supposed to have a slimming effect! Seagal looks like Joe Don Baker grew his hair out, dyed it black, and slicked it back with enough WD-40 to stock three Pep Boys stores. He’s beefy, but not in a good way. I know that Joe Don’s beefy, but at least he looks like he could beat somebody up. Seagal, on the other hand, doesn’t look like he could beat up anybody, besides that morbidly obese guy in front of him holding up the buffet line. Hell, I’d bet guys who got kicked out of the Navy for failing the physical could still make Seagal scream like a girl. Which, come to think of it, would match his running style perfectly.

Caption contributed by Ed

Finally, a ship that can feel the pain of whomever is on it.

To read the rest of this article, support the Agony Booth on Patreon.
This is an archived post. This post is available to patrons who pledge at least $5 on Patreon. Pledging this amount gives access to all archived articles on the Agony Booth.

Click “Unlock with Patreon” to sign up with Patreon or to log in with your existing Patreon account.
Already a qualifying Patreon member? Refresh to access this content.

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Submerged (2005)

You may also like...