Here Are Some Other Stupid Offensive Football Team Names

Here Are Some Other Stupid Offensive Football Team Names

Some people on your Internets are Very Upset over the news today that the U.S. Patent Office canceled the Washington Redskins trademark. Why oh why would the U.S. Patent Office do such a thing? Because “redskins” is a derogatory term for Native Americans, who happen to be actual human people and not just Disney characters, did you know? Anyway, people on Twitter are saying all kinds of amazing things about this, as you’d expect. And here at the joint partnership that is Happy Nice Time People and Wonkette, we are no different. In our “sekrit chatcave” where we communicate all day long, we have come up with a list of excellent team names that are about as defensible as the Washington Redskins. Now, keep in mind that this organization can continue to use its offensive, dumb old name — it simply can’t keep other people from selling merchandise branded as the Washington Redskins, because again, this is an offensive, dumb old name. And when your friends are like, “But tradition!” you can respond with “Racism isn’t a tradition. It is a plague upon humanity, you jerks.” Now enjoy our efforts, but maybe don’t share them with your coworkers (your coworkers probably have souls, after all).

  1. The San Francisco Bulldaggers
  2. The Austin Burnouts
  3. The Raleigh (Jim) Crows
  4. The Illinois Nazis
  5. The Cleveland Steamers
  6. The Detroit Fightin’ Muslamics
  7. The Minnesota Fatties
  8. The Salt Lake City Magic Underpants
  9. The Boston Drunk Racist Pieces Of Shit
  10. The Portland White-And-Cisgender-Privilege Rejecters
  11. The Chicago Wide Butts
  12. The New Jersey Superfund Sites
  13. The Mississippi Teen Moms
  14. The Los Angeles Abortionists
  15. The Bronx Reproducers
  16. The Philadelphia No One Cares
  17. The Phoenix Methbabies
  18. The El Paso Drug Lords
  19. The Seattle Suicides
  20. The Newark Legitimate Businessmen

Now go add your own ideas in the comments! Remember: what we are mocking here is the stupid notion that the Washington Redskins name is NOT racist, because it is in fact very racist! Hello, Comedy 101! Therefore, proceed with this in mind. You might argue that WE made racist jokes up above, but we are Artists and this is Art. Okay, now go be clever.

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