Here Are Some Other Stupid Offensive Football Team Names

Here Are Some Other Stupid Offensive Football Team Names

Some people on your Internets are Very Upset over the news today that the U.S. Patent Office canceled the Washington Redskins trademark. Why oh why would the U.S. Patent Office do such a thing? Because “redskins” is a derogatory term for Native Americans, who happen to be actual human people and not just Disney characters, did you know? Anyway, people on Twitter are saying all kinds of amazing things about this, as you’d expect. And here at the joint partnership that is Happy Nice Time People and Wonkette, we are no different. In our “sekrit chatcave” where we communicate all day long, we have come up with a list of excellent team names that are about as defensible as the Washington Redskins. Now, keep in mind that this organization can continue to use its offensive, dumb old name — it simply can’t keep other people from selling merchandise branded as the Washington Redskins, because again, this is an offensive, dumb old name. And when your friends are like, “But tradition!” you can respond with “Racism isn’t a tradition. It is a plague upon humanity, you jerks.” Now enjoy our efforts, but maybe don’t share them with your coworkers (your coworkers probably have souls, after all).

  1. The San Francisco Bulldaggers
  2. The Austin Burnouts
  3. The Raleigh (Jim) Crows
  4. The Illinois Nazis
  5. The Cleveland Steamers
  6. The Detroit Fightin’ Muslamics
  7. The Minnesota Fatties
  8. The Salt Lake City Magic Underpants
  9. The Boston Drunk Racist Pieces Of Shit
  10. The Portland White-And-Cisgender-Privilege Rejecters
  11. The Chicago Wide Butts
  12. The New Jersey Superfund Sites
  13. The Mississippi Teen Moms
  14. The Los Angeles Abortionists
  15. The Bronx Reproducers
  16. The Philadelphia No One Cares
  17. The Phoenix Methbabies
  18. The El Paso Drug Lords
  19. The Seattle Suicides
  20. The Newark Legitimate Businessmen

Now go add your own ideas in the comments! Remember: what we are mocking here is the stupid notion that the Washington Redskins name is NOT racist, because it is in fact very racist! Hello, Comedy 101! Therefore, proceed with this in mind. You might argue that WE made racist jokes up above, but we are Artists and this is Art. Okay, now go be clever.

You may also like...

  • Cowboy_X

    The L.A. Cuckolds

  • arensb

    The Washington Lobbyists

    • sarabenincasa

      The most offensive name of all.

  • tihond

    Milwaukee Redliners

  • The Shypixels

  • Also: Washington Red Skins is a good name for a kind of apple.

    • arensb

      How about the Spokane Golden Delicious Granny Smiths? Or GMILFs for short.

  • Too: The Wasilla Quitters

  • Ambignostic

    The Montana Militia

  • arensb

    The Detroit Dickless

  • Grant

    The Wisconsin Oh That’s Nice, I Guess, It’s Your Decision

  • arensb

    The San Francisco Make Baby Jesus Cry

  • ChunkyBonez

    The Mississippi Teen Moms

  • BMW

    The Baltimore Plea Bargins.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The North Dakota Ground Rapers

  • Haribo Lector

    The Florida Ground-Standers

  • Steve Cody

    The Texas Teenie Peenies

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The Charlotte Predatory Lenders

  • arensb

    The Salt Lake City Slickers

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The Buenos Aires Genocidal Maniacs

  • ChunkyBonez

    The Utah Sister Wives

  • Ned Heberger

    The Texas Open-Carriers

  • arensb

    The Boise Teabaggers

  • The Pittsburgh Polacks

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The Philadelphia Uglies

    • arensb

      The Philadelphia That’s Not How You Pronounce “Eagle”s.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    The Kentucky Pauls

    • Haribo Lector

      This deserves far more attention that it received.

  • BMW

    The Arizona Dry Heats.

  • arensb

    The Pierre Climate Change Deniers

  • BMW

    The Chicago Grand Juries

  • BMW

    The Brentwood White Broncos

  • BMW

    The New Orleans Floods

  • Tom B.

    The Detroit Arsonists

    • PubOption

      Would also work for Buffalo.

      • Vienna Woods

        Irv Weinstein agrees!

  • The Atlanta Blackbirders. “Heritage not hate.” (Stolen from the inimitable James Nicoll.)

  • The Providence Eldritch Horrors

  • arensb

    The El Paso Enablers

  • arensb

    The Eugene Gas-Guzzlers

  • arensb

    The Mos Eisley Scum and Villains

  • arensb

    The Indianapolis Automatic Transmissions

  • Paul J

    The Wasilla Grifters?

  • FlownOver

    The Lawrence (KS) and/or Austin (TX) Red Menace

  • FlownOver

    The Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards

  • Ambignostic

    The Amarillo Armadillos

  • arensb

    The Paisley Sekrit Muslins

  • Ambignostic

    The Birmingham Firehoses

  • randomness lez

    Cincinnati Hilljacks

  • SnarkOff

    The Wichita Kochs

    • FlownOver

      Or the Topeka Koch-suckers.

  • BMW

    The Dearborn Jihadists

  • damanoid

    The Benghazi !!!1!s

  • ElfInBklyn

    The Brooklyn Buggerers

  • Carter

    Given the specific history of Native Americans and the people of Washington, I think the only equivalent team would be the Nuremberg Kikes.

    • Peter Moore

      I like the Frankfort Juden and their thick-eyeglass-wearing, big-nosed mascot Hymie

  • The Texas Castle Doctrinairres

  • arensb

    The Peoria Traditional Marriage Supporters

  • The Florida Unarmed-Teenager Murderers.

  • AmusedAmused

    The Dallas Ammosexuals

  • peteywheats

    The Birmingham White Trash vs. The L.A. Facelifts

    • scott mcdonald

      The LA Implants

    • Mark Schmidt

      I have started referring to the DC pro football team as The White Trash…

  • JohnE_o

    The Dallas Lonegunmen

  • Carl Witkowski

    The Jonestown Massacre

  • Carl Witkowski

    Milwaukee Maneaters

  • I would totes buy a San Francisco Bulldaggers shirt, but then again, I AM a great big lesbian.

    • Mark Schmidt

      OK… can you tackle?

  • Carl Witkowski

    The Jonestown Massacre

  • Carl Witkowski

    Milwaukee Maneaters

  • arensb

    The Miami Mullets

  • Mark Schmidt

    The NYU football team was known as The Violets…and there was a semi pro hockey team called Austin Ice Bats…

    • Haribo Lector

      The way you word this makes it sound like they changed their name to officially be called “The NYU Football Team”, which I think sounds pretty good.

      • rebecca

        Nah, they changed it to the fucking Bobcats, because Violets wasn’t butch enough.As an NYU person, I had Sadz.

  • Brenda Szuszczewicz

    The Tallahassee Teabaggers

  • Jayman

    the Mississippi Lynchers.

  • arensb

    The Rocky Mountain Picture Shows

  • Gustave188

    Coolest REAL team name: Watersmeet high school in the Michigan UP: The Nimrods!

    • Haribo Lector

      I never understood how Nimrod became an insult. Nimrod (Noah’s great-great-grandson) was supposed to be this bad-ass hunter.

      • Gustave188

        Right, that’s the way they mean it.

      • It’s because Bugs Bunny referred sarcastically to Elmer Fudd (a hunter) as “Nimrod” Some article online somewhere made that case for how it joined the insult vocabulary.

    • DemmeFatale

      Or other cool, deliberately subversive names like:UC Santa Cruz Banana SlugsUC Irvine AnteatersEvergreen, WA Geoducks (pronounced gooey-ducks).

  • Haribo Lector

    The Houston Obesity Epidemic

  • Lee Sudduth

    The Sanford Hoodies

  • beavertank

    How could you leave out the glorious Alabama Cousin Fuckers? They could go all the way this year!

  • The Hollywood Conscious Uncouplers

  • The Kansas City Koch addicts

  • The Cheyenne Shitfuckers.

  • The Appalachian Mountain Inbreds

  • The Los Alamos Fighting Mutants

  • chadingo

    the Oklahoma Obesities

  • NDeeeZ

    I’m going to suggest it again; don’t change the name “Redskins–change the mascot to the potato!The hardcore (bigoted) fans get to keep their precious name, and the rest of us can laugh at the “Spuds!”

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Plus, think of the profit margin at the baked potato stand.

  • The Gulf Coast Tar Balls

  • NDeeeZ

    Also too there was a rec league team in Northern Colorado (Greeley? The memory resists) called “The Fighting Whiteys.” I believe their unis were white T-shirts.

  • MichaelG

    I *hate* Illinois Nazis.

    • i like their farm team, the Fightin’ Illini Civil Libertarians

  • Cindyinencinitas

    The Detroit Slumlords.The Alabama Dropouts. The LA Gangbangers. The Westminster Rearenders. The Las Vegas Kardkounters. The Portland Niceboys. The Newport Coast Botox. The D.C. Assclownmonkeys. The Austin Fighting Lege.

  • unclejeems

    I like to take a Civil War tack. The Austin Autocrats. The Chattanooga Traitors. The Little Rock Losers. The Richmond Surrender Monkeys. The Mobile White Flags. And, as neat collective names, The Charleston Surrender and the Nashville Klan. .

  • Metadude

    The Calgary Anchor Babbies.

  • Metadude

    The Las Vegas Sovereign Citizens. Too soon?

  • Caepan

    The Philadelphia Santa Claus Haters

  • Cindyinencinitas

    And the perennial first-round washouts, the San Marino Poo Flingers!

  • Al Swearengen

    The Washington White Dad Jeans

  • under_score

    Boston Massholes

  • Little_Big_Tug

    The Parump (NV) Gun Snugglers; they’re packin’!

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Les Habitants de Montreal

  • Little_Big_Tug

    The Wasilla . . . eh, er . . . Palins!

  • Little_Big_Tug

    The ridin’, rootin’, tootin’ Dumbfuckistan Scooter Cowboys!

  • Little_Big_Tug

    The Tallahasee Proud Ignorants

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Ostap Bender

    St. Louis Legitimate Rapes, Wasilla Grifters

  • Ellis_Weiner

    The Staten Island Fairies. The Santa Monica Individuals. The Baltimore Hons. The Detroit White Flight. The Hollywood So-Called LIfestyle.

  • Birdbrain

    The Washington ‘K’ Street Whores

  • JoeBeau

    The Mississippi Critterdiddlers

  • JoeBeau

    The Oklahoma Raging Homos

  • JoeBeau

    The Indiana Fightin’ Inbreds

  • JoeBeau

    The St. Olaf Butterfaces

  • JoeBeau

    The Hoboken Broke Hoes

  • JoeBeau

    The Brooklyn Breeders

  • JoeBeau

    The Boston Massholes

  • JoeBeau

    The New Hampshire Tax Dodgers

  • JoeBeau

    The Racine Race Traitors

  • JoeBeau

    The Anchorage Anchor Babies

  • JoeBeau

    The Nashville Knee Grows

  • JoeBeau

    The Montana Methenthusiasts

  • JoeBeau

    The Carolina See You Next Tuesdays

  • JoeBeau

    The Savannah Dancin’ Sambos

  • JoeBeau

    The West Hollywood Prancin’ Pederasts

  • JoeBeau

    The Austin Autoerotics

  • JoeBeau

    The Corpus Christi Elders of Zion

  • Drew Sidener

    The Denver Blunts

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Wall Street Banksters.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Long Island Lolitas.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Williamsburg Incongruents.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Grand Forks Heshers.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Oakland-Macomb White Flight.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Waziristan Reapers.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Simferopol “Local Defense Forces”

  • mtn_philosoph

    The San Francisco Values.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The HNT People.

  • mtn_philosoph

    The Dallas County Reparations.

  • harryeagar

    The Eastern Washington State Teachers College Fighting Savages, which was a real thing until the school upgraded to being a university.

  • Jack Steen

    The Indiana SisterFuckers.

  • Andy68107

    The owner should change the name. I have two suggestions. The Washington Thief, or the Washington Conman. Ether of those should better represent the city, and would be a good way to get back at legislators for harassing his team. I can see the press conference now. “Yes well you know I was pressured by legislators to change my teams name. I thought long and hard of what would best describe the city. I figure since this city is the home of the federal government, and has the house, senate, and the white house which are all dedicated to coning, and stealing from the american people. We figured the Washington Conman would be the best name for our team, but we may change to the Washington Thief some time if that name doesn’t work out to well for us.”