Apr 23, 2020
Investigation Into Whether Racist Sexist Miami Dolphins Are The Worst Finds That Why Yes, They Are
Somehow, it’s hard to focus on sportsball’s magnificent athleticism when it seems like there are always stories about athletes doing murder — ALLEGEDLY — and raping women across America — ALLEGEDLY — and domestic violencing the ladies and all manner of breakin’ the law. All of that somehow gets a pass because SPORTSBALL, while Richard Sherman is called a thug for using his words to be all, like, “I am THE BEST at kicking ass and taking names,” which is not illegal or racist or sexist, but just, like, typical run-of-the-mill sportsball bragging, which, as I understand is, it kind of part of the whole culture.
So here is yet another news story that makes it awful hard to give an eighth of a damn about how great sportsballers are, on account of how this study shows how goddamned fucking terrible awful THE WORST they are.
The guy who picked the short straw at Deadspin read the entire 148-page report from an independent investigation commissioned by the NFL to investigate just how terrible the sportsballers of the Miami Dolphins are, with Richie Incognito as the ringleader of the jerks. And guess what? They are terrible! How terrible? Sooooo terrible. Here’s a summary of Deadspin’s summary of their terribleness:
Racist? Oh why yes they are.
“Hey, wassup, you half-nigger piece of shit. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. I’ll shit in your fuckin’ mouth. I’m gonna slap your fuckin’ mouth, I’m gonna slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. Fuck you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”
That’s some real pretty talk, isn’t it? Just some friendly locker room death-threat banter. Oh, and some funny jokes about killing black people.
Incognito and a former Dolphins offensive lineman, who is white, communicated about purchasing guns, apparently for recreational purposes. (We identify this former Dolphin as Player B.) The discussion veered into jokes about shooting black people. […]
Four days later, Incognito and Player B discussed rifle scopes in text messages.
Player B: Yes. That’s a solid optic made specifically for a .308 battle rifle
Incognito: Perfect for shooting black people
Player B: Lol exactly
Player B: Or Jeff Ireland
Hahahaha, HI-larious! But lest you think Incognito and pals just have a hang-up about black people, oh no, they are equal opportunity racists.
Incognito, Jerry and Pouncey admitted that they directed racially derogatory words toward him, including “Jap” and “Chinaman.” At times, according to Martin, they referred to the Assistant Trainer as a “dirty communist” or a “North Korean,” made demands such as “give me some water you fucking chink,” spoke to him in a phony, mocking Asian accent, including asking for “rubby rubby sucky sucky,” and called his mother a “rub and tug masseuse.”
And then there was the manly talk of all the sex they wanted to do to their teammate’s sister.
The evidence supports a finding that Incognito, Jerry and Pouncey repeatedly and persistently made graphic, sexually explicit comments about Martin’s sister, a medical student whom they had never met. Four fairly typical examples of the types of insults made orally, according to Martin, are:
“We are going to run train on your sister. She loves me. I’m going to fuck her without a condom and cum in her cunt.”
“Hey, Jmart’s sister is in town. Get the plastic sheets ready, she’s a squirter.”
“I’m going to bang the shit out of her and spit on her and treat her like shit.”
“Hear your sister has a wolf-puss. A fat, hairy pussy.”
Awww, that’s some nice team-building there, isn’t it? Just some friendly casual talk about gang-fucking your teammate’s sister’s unattractive ladyparts. But you know, boys will be boys. Whatcha gonna do?
Which is why, of course, the oh-so-brave anonymous NFL executives let it be known they don’t want no gays gaying up their precious manly locker rooms because sportsballers lack the maturity to deal with the mere idea of a man sexing another man. Ew, so icky. Unlike rape and murder and gay-bashing, for which there is apparently plenty of maturity and space in the locker room. But they gay? No. Maybe in a decade or two.
I don’t think football is ready for [an openly gay player] just yet,” said an NFL player personnel assistant. “In the coming decade or two, it’s going to be acceptable, but at this point in time it’s still a man’s-man game. To call somebody a [gay slur] is still so commonplace. It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.”
It’s a man’s-man game. Which means gay-bashing is cool. Rape is cool. Domestic violence is cool. All around bigotry is cool. But The Gay? Oh no, not that, anything but that. Maybe in twenty years. But not now. A sportsballer might be a criminal or a criminally jerkish jerk, but as long as he doesn’t want to sex another man, he’s welcome in the locker room. Because sportsball.