May 15, 2019
Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin
We know that bloated completely faded star Steven Seagal thinks of himself as a real-life action figure/spy, what with his training a vigilante posse and such. But did you know he’s also a leading authority on Russia?! In Steven Seagal’s mind he totally is and he loves him some Vladimir Putin, probably because they are both just so darn manly. And is that thing where Putin just strolls in and takes Crimea cool? Totally cool, says geopolitical expert Steven Seagal.
According to The Moscow Times, Mr Seagal, who is currently shooting a new film in Romania, said President Vladimir Putin’s “desire to protect the Russian-speaking people of Crimea, his assets, and the Russian Black Sea military base in Sevastopol … is very reasonable.”
Dude, there’s folks that speak English in Germany sometimes and we have a base there, but we’re not going to fucking annex Berlin, you idiot.
Seagal had much many all things to say on the topic, as the state-run, and by that we mean Putin-run, paper gave him 2000 words to wax eloquent over his love for Vlad.
Seagal, a Republican who is thought to be a relatively close acquaintance of Putin partly due to their shared love of martial arts, said that Putin is “one of the great living world leaders” and that he “would like to consider him as a brother.” Earlier this month he helped Putin promote the relaunch of a physical fitness program discontinued after the fall of the Soviet Union.
That fitness program will probably come in handy when Putin reinstates the Soviet Union over the next few years, which is likely a thing Steven Seagal is totally down with.
The state paper seems a bit confused about Mr. Seagal’s status in the American pantheon of movie stars and political figures, ranking him right up there with the Terminator and Saint Ronnie.
Rossiskaya Gazeta pumped up the actor’s political prowess by mentioning that fellow actors like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former U.S. President Ronald Reagan have played major roles in politics and saying that Seagal is “no less popular or authoritative in the world today.”
The newspaper’s faith in his stardom may be misplaced, however. The celebrity popularity tracking STARmeter on movie site imdb.com, places Seagal 1,454th for overall star popularity while Schwarzenegger ranks 124th.
We hate to break it to you Russia, but the only reason anyone over here pays attention to Steven Seagal is to laugh at him. Schwarzenegger also brought his big brain to bear to analyze the runup to our new cold war, but his analysis was a bit more self-serving.
Former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger offered some less-than-helpful advice for world leaders when asked about Crimea in a recent interview to promote his new film ‘Sabotage’.
“I think what they all need to do now, is stop whatever they are doing and watch the movie ‘Sabotage’”, he said.
That does not seem like it would be very relevant as it seems to be about a SWAT team in America, Arnold, but at least you’ve got a movie to promote, which is more than we can say for Seagal. Perhaps Seagal will go back to pretending he will run for governor. Oh wait, no, because he now has a much more important role to play on the world stage.
In addition to discussing Ukraine during the interview — published Wednesday — the newspaper asked whether Seagal would run for governor of Arizona, to which the actor said it was more important to be a peacemaker than the leader of a state.
We’re not sure that giving a tongue bath to Vladimir Putin means you’re a peacemaker, but different strokes for different washed-up actors, we guess. Seagal also said he might take Russian citizenship one day, to which we say door, hit you, way out. Good riddance to bad acting.