Jan 16, 2013
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 2 of 2)
ROUND 2: CHERRY CHARGE
SUMMARY: Why is God punishing me?
The score so far: Steven Seagal and his fucked-up Asian berries: 1, Me: 0.
So I had to go to a totally different 7-Eleven to get this flavor of Lightning Bolt. Yes, after the Asian Experience, I actually drove around town for an hour to find another can of this stuff. I think the years of working on this website have warped me beyond repair.
I finally tracked down Cherry Charge at this one 7-Eleven where it was kept in the coldest possible refrigerator case. I swear, the thermostat was in Kelvin. I even had to let the can sit in my car for two or three hours, so it could warm up to a balmy 50 degrees below zero Fahrenheit. Although, considering the contents on the label, perhaps the proprietor of that particular 7-Eleven was just being cautious.
Unfortunately, as soon as I cracked open the can, I knew this flavor would be just as grueling as the last. Not only did it appear to contain all the ingredients that made Asian Experience so horrifying, but there was also the added odor of cherry Robitussin. That was about when I figured it out: “Cherry Charge” was nothing more than cherry-flavored Asian Experience. So in addition to Death In A Can, we now have Cherry-Flavored Death In A Can.
My first sip confirmed that yes, this was indeed the liquefied equivalent of a cherry flavored ashtray. However, I was able to see the positives in this. I mean, the flavor still made me feel like I was being hit by a tazer, but the cherry did cover up some of the nicotine aftertaste, making it marginally more tolerable.
After my third sip, I had endured over twenty combined chugs of this poison. I began to believe that if there is a Hell, there must be an open bar there, and this is the only drink they serve. In fact, there may be nothing else there: No flames, no whips, no tortured souls howling. Just Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, Cherry Charge flavor. The rest of Hell probably looks like Pittsburgh.