Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 1 of 2)

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 1 of 2)

For those of you who haven’t heard, washed-up martial arts action star Steven Seagal recently decided to branch out into the energy drink market. He’s released his very own black-canned competitor to the likes of Full Throttle and Rock Star, a beverage going by the name of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. “While other energy drinks try to just throw a bunch of cheap caffeine and other drugs into your system,” the official website declares, “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt provides you with the TRUE ENERGY you need.”

Clearly, this was the most preposterous thing anyone had ever seen or heard, judging by the number of blogs that spent several days debating whether or not it was all an elaborate hoax.

Well, I’m here to tell you it’s for real. Steven Seagal, former bodyguard turned actor, who once claimed to have worked for the CIA, and who now claims to be a reincarnated Tibetan lama (though not a reincarnated llama, which is probably closer to the truth), has taken time out from his busy direct-to-video acting career and burgeoning singing career [!] to develop a brand new kind of energy drink. I know this much is true, because I’ve purchased and consumed exactly two (2) cans of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt in both of its powerful flavors: “Asian Experience” and “Cherry Charge”.

Caption contributed by Albert

Christ. Where do I even begin?

At the time as of this writing, there are no Steven Seagal movies to be found in the Agony Booth. No Out for a Kill. No Fire Down Below. No Glimmer Man. No Belly of the Beast. This is a tragic oversight, in dire need of rectification in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve decided to make up for this omission by taking an in-depth look at what is, in a sense, Steve’s newest release. And just like his more recent films, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is only available at online retailers. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. It’s also available at some 7-Elevens. You may recall a TV spot that Seagal did for 7-Eleven last year, so somebody was definitely skillful in exploiting that connection.)

Now, I’m a glutton for punishment. Anyone who’s read my detailed recap of Monster A-Go Go—with its endless scenes of identical white people sitting around and doing nothing for hours at a time—can attest to that. But even I never thought I could go this far, or endure this much, as when I sat down with a can or two of the horror that can only be described as Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt.

All I know for sure is that I must have done something truly horrible in my life (or I will do something truly horrible in the future), and this is my punishment.

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Multi-Part Article: Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

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  • Xolker

    I tried this drink myself and couldn’t make it past the initial sip. As a matter of fact, I nearly died on the interstate from the unexpected atrocity which is its entirety. The fact you fully consumed TWO cans of this only proves me correct in assuming you are not mortal.

  • Kornfleakie

    Seek mental help

  • Fantasy Mission Force

    Earlier this morning a friend and I were watching ‘Hard to Kill’, and at one point he actually said to me “Whatever happened to that Steven Segal energy drink? I loved that stuff. It was my favorite energy drink.”.
    Having tried ‘Cherry Charge’, I figured he was being ironic, but was shocked to find that he was being serious, so I made him read this review, just to give him an idea of what normal people think of the beverage.
    He honestly thought that you were being too hard on it.

    I don’t think you mentioned enough about how much it tasted like straight-up puke, really.
    Of course, I may have actually just been throwing up in my own mouth the entire time.

  • Solitario35

    Are you talking about a product and its ingredients and you have no idea of their duties, are ignorant.
    It is said natural drink that is herbal, if you take red bull energy drink or other chemicals have many components and when he says only natural herbs, is just that, natural herbs.
    There are many herbs with great energy charge as ginko biloba, ginseng, yerba mate, goji berries, guarana and green tea, if you do not know his qualities first and then you can informamros write something, be not ignorant !!!!!

  • Still_in_the_saddle

    IF you forgo the use of the F word you would probably get a lot more participation on your site : )

  • Miketeez

    do they still sell it i wanna try itt
    i cant find it anywhere on internet email me

  • Satadru Rej

    You said it…………

  • Jenny Mingus

    Gotta admire the man’s devotion to the job. Most would have the sense to throw it out after a few sips.

  • Robert Kennedy

    Holy crap! Well, more like unholy crap, but after that, hell would be a walk in the park.

    • knight4444

      LMAO,@Robert give ole “LIGHTING BOLT” some credit, now states with the DEATH penalty can just ram this CRAP down their gullets and “OFF” the poor prisoners!!!

  • knight4444

    maybe seagal can sell that crap to his best bud, PUTIN

  • MichaelANovelli

    “Yerba Mate” is a tea. As I recall, Che Guevara liked to drink it! ^_^