May 26, 2009
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 1 of 2)
For those of you who haven’t heard, washed-up martial arts action star Steven Seagal recently decided to branch out into the energy drink market. He’s released his very own black-canned competitor to the likes of Full Throttle and Rock Star, a beverage going by the name of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. “While other energy drinks try to just throw a bunch of cheap caffeine and other drugs into your system,” the official website declares, “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt provides you with the TRUE ENERGY you need.”
Clearly, this was the most preposterous thing anyone had ever seen or heard, judging by the number of blogs that spent several days debating whether or not it was all an elaborate hoax.
Well, I’m here to tell you it’s for real. Steven Seagal, former bodyguard turned actor, who once claimed to have worked for the CIA, and who now claims to be a reincarnated Tibetan lama (though not a reincarnated llama, which is probably closer to the truth), has taken time out from his busy direct-to-video acting career and burgeoning singing career [!] to develop a brand new kind of energy drink. I know this much is true, because I’ve purchased and consumed exactly two (2) cans of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt in both of its powerful flavors: “Asian Experience” and “Cherry Charge”.
At the time as of this writing, there are no Steven Seagal movies to be found in the Agony Booth. No Out for a Kill. No Fire Down Below. No Glimmer Man. No Belly of the Beast. This is a tragic oversight, in dire need of rectification in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve decided to make up for this omission by taking an in-depth look at what is, in a sense, Steve’s newest release. And just like his more recent films, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is only available at online retailers. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. It’s also available at some 7-Elevens. You may recall a TV spot that Seagal did for 7-Eleven last year, so somebody was definitely skillful in exploiting that connection.)
Now, I’m a glutton for punishment. Anyone who’s read my detailed recap of Monster A-Go Go—with its endless scenes of identical white people sitting around and doing nothing for hours at a time—can attest to that. But even I never thought I could go this far, or endure this much, as when I sat down with a can or two of the horror that can only be described as Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt.
All I know for sure is that I must have done something truly horrible in my life (or I will do something truly horrible in the future), and this is my punishment.