Nov 1, 2016
Steven Seagal Will Not Be Driving Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Off Her Meds, By Running Against Her
Shhh. I’m speaking from deep down inside my underground Arizona bunker where I’m hiding in case Steven Seagal makes good on his threat to run for governor or drive female chain-gang banger Shurf Joe Arpaio’s tank into my front door and kill my puppy and rooster.
The media was all aflutter yesterday with pants-on-fire headlines about Steven Seagal “mulling” a run for Arizona governor. This could indeed make Governor Jan Brewer go off her meds, except it was all a fat lie: all he said was that he had talked with Shurf Joe, America’s Most Expensive Sheriff, about running for office and it was “kind of a joke” and “I suppose I would remotely consider it but probably would have, uh, a lot more other responsibil-hi-hizz, um, other responsibilities that may be more important to address.”
DOES THAT SOUND LIKE HE’S ACTUALLY CONSIDERING RUNNING FOR OFFICE COMMIE MSMZ? No! Jesus! He’s not seriously mulling folks, because he has a LOT MORE OTHER responsibilitiizzz to address.
What kind of responsibilities? The awesome kind. There’s the puppy and rooster killing and tank-dozing incident with Arpaio while shooting a segment of their new “reality” series. And all of those sexual harassment and sex trafficking accusations. And that time he got married when he was still married. And the 4 wives, multiple girlfriends (with whom he cheated on his wives) and 7 chillins to support. And how he’s not really a cop. And the fact that he stopped selling his aftershave, called Scent of Action. THIS should be a crime in and of itself.
Needless to say, all this running for office crap was just a publicity stunt to promote Steven’s and Joe’s “new” reality series (shot in 2011), Steven Seagal: Lawman, The Lost Series. The series “got lost” because, after a nice happy couple of seasons of Seagal backseat driving with the New Orleans cops, the NOLA police put the kibosh on the show when some lady alleged that Stevie held her as a captive sex toy, which is sometimes frowned upon by law enforcement.
So, even though Steven’s Second Amendment freedoms were violated by NOLA police, Steve just moved to another state that would be happy, nay, thrilled, to have him! In Arizona, he teamed up with ‘Bama Birther Joseph H. Arpaio to continue the Lawman series so he could drive Arizona cops nuts instead. One Arizona cop evidently didn’t like Seagal barging in on their operations, but was afraid to say so until he quit being a cop.
A&E began promoting the new Arizona show anyway, until they mysteriously, gracefully (in a Peggy Noonan kind of way), “quietly shelved” it. That’s when REELZ came along, a channel, of sorts, that is so cool that it’s really hard to get on your teevee. REELZ decided to buy the Lawman show from A&E. The first episode aired this past Thursday and the series will continue every Thursday until somebody sues Steven or Joe or until REELZ goes under. Any bets?