Jul 29, 2020
Stephen Colbert Introduces Us To Jake Rush, Nice Tea Party Candidate Vampire Fellow (Video)
Last night on the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert did us the great service of telling us all about Jake Rush, who is running against Ted Yoho in the 2014 GOP primary. Jake hits all the right tea party notes — he’s for “traditional” marriage and repealing Obamacare and he’s a vampire.
Yes, Rush loves him some live action role playing, or LARPing, which makes it sound even dumber. And when he does that super-adult event, he likes to pretend he is Chazz Darling, vampire. As a vampire, it looks like he’s had some neat things to say over the years while Vamp LARPing.
[A]s Chazz, [he] wrote in one Yahoo message board, titled “The Fallen,” dated Feb. 12, 2010:
At first I thought you were just stupid and I wanted to stick my dick in your mouth to shut you up while I snorted a line off my new machete that was blessed by Rui (sic) but then I remembered that you were typing so my dick would really have to be in your hands to keep you from typing but since you are walking in Omaha that’s not really realistic right now.
I’m sorry, I tried.
Rae tells me that you are a Maiden, and it’s your job to be kind of stupid and that I’m not supposed to have intercourse with Maidens.
You shouldn’t believe everything that people tell you or you’re going to end up naked and sore, tied to the floor of a van marked “Free Candy.”
And stop letting people torpor (sic) you.
We were about to say that he seems nice, but mostly he seems confusing.
Rush also likes to pretend he is Lord Staas Van Der Winst, who we’re sure is a fascinating character with a rich history, but just looks like an off-brand Andy Warhol impersonator with varicose veins on his face.
Because Rush either has no shame or no brains, he agreed to sit down with Colbert for the “Better Know a Challenger” segment, and you damn well know that Colbert showed up in full vampire regalia.
Insights from Jake’s conversation with Stephen: wars are complicated, Ted Yoho is mean for dredging up Rush’s all-over-the-internet vampire life, and although he loves him some guns and defended Florida’s first Stand Your Ground case, he is very sad when Stephen Colbert makes jokes about guns.
Dude’s gonna need a thicker skin to get through the primary.