‘Stars On Ice’ Is The Greatest Thing That Has Ever Happened To America

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Have you ever wondered what it’s like when doves cry? Well, trust us when we say that the closest you’ll ever get before shuffling off this mortal coil is watching Stars On Ice. Where to start? The death defying jumps? The dizzying spins? The sensual lifts? Oh, no…we’re going straight for the money shot: sequins, bitches, sequins.

And, woah, were there some sequins:


Gracie Gold, Olympic Bronze Medalist, got herself some new outfits for the gig. Do you wanna guess how many sparkles are on this fabulous new teal number she wears for her interpretation of the song “Let It Go,” from Frozen? Facebook did! There was a competition for coming the closest. There are 14,500 sequins. That dress must be heavier than the chick wearing it.

Oh and don’t think the girls were the only ones pulling off some show stopping sequins, Jason Brown was there – and, we have to hand it to him, that guy can pull off some sparkles. Jason – you might have won silver, but in our hearts, you’ll always be first. Suck it, Michael Flatley, you got outdone, with your own music.

In comparison, Ashley Wagner, also an Olympic Bronze Medalist (there was a team event and it’s every bit as fucking valid. Get over it, she’s a fucking Olympian), looked almost sedate. Oh wait. Not sedate…CRAZY SMOKING HOT while also flipping through the air and spinning like a top. Thank you, Ashley, for making figure skating Oh So Sexxxy.


You can flash that come hither look any time, Ashley, but especially when you do it like this:

Or this:

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And speaking of some awesome music like the Eurythmics: Jason Brown, you are now our favorite. We will never forget your rendition of “Can’t Touch This”. That’s right: you missed one of the best damned figure skaters of our generation don a pair of parachute pants and do it up Hammer-style. Poetry in fucking motion, bitches.

But, while we have given our hearts to Jason Brown, we have to say, Ryan Bradley, the frat boy of figure skating, might have claims on some other anatomical areas. There’s just something about Guns ‘n’ Roses power chords, tight pants and a man who can back-flip on ice skates that gets us all aflutter.
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That’s not to say there weren’t some lackluster moments, even with all the sequins. Both the men and the women did their own special group number. And while the boys kicked some ass in their Chuck Taylor skates,

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…the ladies did a poignant number to “Creep” which felt just too high-brow and message-y in an arena full of screaming tweens. Plus, gotta say, Meryl – you should have worn the tutu with the rest of the girls. We know you won the gold at the Olympics, but that shouldn’t have excused you from foolish costuming. Make it work, girl.

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And, as much as we love Jeremy Abbot for basically telling everyone to get fucked when they were jerks about his disappointing Olympic performance, his über-emo performances at Stars on Ice were reminiscent of , well, we don’t know, because we are not emo tweens. Shut up, are not. Anyway, Jeremy, dude — Be angry, be funny, be pretty, be PARALLEL to the ground but 3 feet in the AIR, but dude, don’t be emo. It isn’t cute when you’re 28. Let it go – just watch Gracie’s number.

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Or just don’t stop believin’ – just like in the finale number. Don’t you believe? We do. We believe Star On Ice was the best show we’ve seen EVAH. Like a unicorn crossed with a kitten, snuggling a ferret…covered in sequins. And, since the show is still touring, you should go find out if it’s coming to a town near you and go buy some damn tickets. You’ll believe then, too.

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