Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) (part 7 of 13)

Cut to Kirk, Spock, and the Unknown Marines galloping toward Paradise City. It’s hard to tell, but it looks like they’ve done themselves up in the morons’ face-scarves and rags. Bad Teeth Guy mistakes them for the lookout patrol, and orders the gate opened for them. As they come through, Kirk “cleverly” calls out to close the gate, yelling that there are Federation soldiers right behind them. Bad Teeth Guy, the dope, believes him, and the idiots guarding the gate turn around to look for the “Federation soldiers”.

Kirk asks Spock where they should head to now, but Spock is busy scanning for the hostages and replies, “Hold your horse, Captain!” Okay, enough with the “jokes”. Did Akiva Goldsman have anything to do with this script? I’ll never understand why screenwriters think that saturating your dialogue with unfunny puns is the way to write comedy.

Just as Spock identifies the cantina as the location of the hostages, Bad Teeth Guy figures out something’s wrong. He turns a bright light onto the plaza, exposing the newcomers as strangers. A big brawl ensues. The noise carries inside, where Not-Connery demands to know what’s going on.

On the viewscreen, Chekov bluffs unconvincingly that Not-Connery is under attack by superior Federation forces. But Not-Connery yells that Chekov is a fool (no comment—you get a free pass on that one, Pavel) and says he didn’t want bloodshed.

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Mark "Scooter" Wilson

Mark is a history guy, a graphics guy, a guy for whom wryly cynical assessments of popular culture are the scallion cream cheese on the toasted everything bagel of life. He spends his time teaching modern history at Brooklyn College, pondering the ancient Romans at the CUNY Graduate Center, and conjuring maps and illustrations for ungrateful bankers at various Manhattan monoliths. Readers are welcome to guess at reasons why he's nicknamed Scooter, with the proviso that all such submissions are guaranteed to be rather more interesting than the truth. Mark lives in the Midwood section of Brooklyn with a happy-go-lucky, flop-eared dog named Chiyo who is probably, at this very moment, waiting patiently for her walkies.

Multi-Part Article: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

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