Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) (part 5 of 13)

Meanwhile, out in space somewhere, a Klingon ship decloaks. Since (spoiler alert!) Not-Connery isn’t really our villain, they needed to toss in a cartoon bad guy for Kirk to vanquish. So say hello to Captain Klaa, our latest unwashed Klingon. Just to demonstrate Klaa’s bad-guyness, Klaa brings his ship around for target practice on an old Earth probe. And it turns out to be Pioneer 10, launched in 1972 to go look at Jupiter or something. I can tell by the pornographic plaque.

Klaa wings it with his first shot, causing it to spin away and scream [?] like E.T. And I’m not even kidding here. The sound guys dubbed in a high pitched cartoon scream when the spacecraft gets hit. I guess, in space, someone can hear you scream, after all. Klaa fires again, destroying the spacecraft with an even louder scream. The fiend! Now Aldeberan will never hear about Earth in 2 million years!

Klaa is played by prolific stunt guy Todd Bryant, who’s still at it—in fact, he was Hellboy’s stunt double, which gets him some seriousness coolness points. Also, he did stunts for Batman & Robin, which yanks them right back. More recently, he was Will Ferrell’s stunt double in Step Brothers, which means he’s in a movie I would never see if I were on fire and they were handing out free fire extinguishers at the theater, but hey, good for you, Todd.

Next to Klaa is Vixis, an impressively muscular Klingon woman who acts as Klaa’s second-in-command (hereinafter referred to as Klingon Bodybuilder Chick). She’s played by another stunt performer, Spice Williams-Crosby, who’s married to Gregory Crosby, the grandson of Bing Crosby and half-brother of Tasha Yar actress Denise Crosby. Spice is still going strong these days, doing stunts for action movies and countless TV shows from Angel to Scrubs to Hannah Montana. Okay, Hannah Montana? Scrubs? Does everything have stunts now? Geez, next thing you know we’ll be seeing Katie Couric vaulting into her chair for the CBS Evening News.

Caption contributed by scootermark

”Vixis! Did you forget to towel down the machine after your set?” “I deeply regret the dishonor I have caused our gym, my lord.”

So these jokers are apparently at a loose end, with nothing better to do than tool around shooting up old Earth probes that have somehow developed the capacity to scream like little space aliens, because they get a call about the shenanigans going on at Nimbus III and immediately decide to go check it out. Wow, they have even less to do than the people on Captain Archer’s Enterprise.

To read the rest of this article, support the Agony Booth on Patreon.
This is an archived post. This post is available to patrons who pledge at least $5 on Patreon. Pledging this amount gives access to all archived articles on the Agony Booth.

Click “Unlock with Patreon” to sign up with Patreon or to log in with your existing Patreon account.
Already a qualifying Patreon member? Refresh to access this content.

Mark "Scooter" Wilson

Mark is a history guy, a graphics guy, a guy for whom wryly cynical assessments of popular culture are the scallion cream cheese on the toasted everything bagel of life. He spends his time teaching modern history at Brooklyn College, pondering the ancient Romans at the CUNY Graduate Center, and conjuring maps and illustrations for ungrateful bankers at various Manhattan monoliths. Readers are welcome to guess at reasons why he's nicknamed Scooter, with the proviso that all such submissions are guaranteed to be rather more interesting than the truth. Mark lives in the Midwood section of Brooklyn with a happy-go-lucky, flop-eared dog named Chiyo who is probably, at this very moment, waiting patiently for her walkies.

Multi-Part Article: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

You may also like...