Star Trek Sex: The Undeflowered Andy: Star Trek: Lower Decks “Where Pleasant Fountains Lie”
We open this week on a good old standby plot: a planet that got tricked by an evil supercomputer into having a century-long civil war. The computer in question, AGIMUS (voiced by Trek veteran Jeffrey Combs) is being shipped off to Earth so it can be studied at the institute named after the guy who invented the Federation’s first evil supercomputer.
Commander Ransom nearly falls for AGIMUS’s transparent appeals to his vanity and ambition, but luckily manages to lock its system core (like all evil computers, it has a big glowing eye that blinks when it speaks) in a box where it can’t speak or do any harm.
They’re barely out of the system before they get a hail from an ornately jeweled woman in an ornately jeweled spaceship. The woman’s name is Queen Paolana, and apparently she and Freeman have met before. She runs one of those space monarchies that are all over the place. No one ever comes up with democracy on their own; if you’re a minor galactic government, you’re either a fancy-pants kingdom or a depressing military dictatorship.
The Queen’s needing to borrow the Cerritos’s somewhat-obscure chief engineer, Andy Billups, to fix something on her ship. Billups walks onto the bridge just then and Queen Paolana squeals at him and makes several doting remarks. “Hello, Mother,” he sighs.
The episode proper opens in the lower decks, with Boimler in his bunk, polishing his phaser rifle (not a euphemism) (this time).
In an unusual turn of events, this week Boimler is going on a badass adventure mission (wrangling giant centipedes) and Mariner’s getting a boring courier mission. Until Boimler’s PADD beeps, and he’s reassigned to the courier mission also. He and Mariner are going to be shuttling AGIMUS to Earth.
Down in Engineering, Billups is explaining his backstory. He belongs to royal bloodline that rules Hysperia—a planet that got colonized by “Ren faire types” and is now full of dragons and castles—but he had to give up his claim to the throne in order to join Starfleet, something his very extra mother has never quite gotten over.
Her main avenue of attack is to try to trick her son into having sex with somebody; the rules of this particular royal family state he has to remain celibate forever or he becomes king automatically.
Queen Paolana promises her son there’ll be no hijinks today—the “dragon’s breath” engines on her ship are really breaking down. Satisfied, Billups recruits an uncomfortable Rutherford to assist him. Tendi encourages Rutherford to step outside his comfort zone, and he accepts the mission.
Meanwhile, Mariner and Boimler are shuttling the computer off to its destination when they get caught in one of those Bermuda Triangle space anomalies. They crash-land on a planet full of derelict space wrecks. They can’t contact help, no one will notice them missing for a week, and the only thing the replicator will provide for food is black licorice. Luckily [?], AGIMUS has fallen out of its crate, and the computer promises Boimler that he can contact help if they plug him into the mainframe. Boimler and Mariner have been warned about this, however, and don’t fall for it.
Their options thin out once a hungry space hyena attacks them. They only just manage to make it inside the crashed ship, and watch helplessly as the hyena eats all their field rations. While they’re distracted, AGIMUS manages to connect to Boimler’s PADD and download everything on it. They’re soon forced to go hunt for water. Leaving AGIMUS in the ship isn’t an option, and thanks to Starfleet’s rules of conduct toward self-aware life forms, they can’t just destroy him (nor “bury him, like Data’s head”, as Mariner suggests), so Boimler straps him in a makeshift baby bjorn and takes him along.
They encounter a tree with edible fruit, filled with potable fluid that improbably also tastes like black licorice. AGIMUS’s taunts about how he could have fixed the replicator finally erode the incorruptible Boimler’s patience enough that he consents to burying the computer. He doesn’t stay in his hole, however, thanks to some burrowing crabs that carry the computer away later that night. Boimler chases them off, and in gratitude, AGIMUS reveals that he’s found a clip of Mariner personally asking Ransom to take Boimler off the giant-centipede mission.
Boimler angrily confronts Mariner, and she admits she did it, because Boimler’s not ready for such deadly missions. Boimler protests that he got up to lots of badass stuff during his time on the USS Titan, and Mariner only wants to stymie his career so she can keep him under her thumb.
Back in Fantasyland, Billups finds the problem with the ship’s engine: a simple resonator problem that somehow didn’t come up in his initial scan of the ship. Queen Paolana congratulates him.
Billups explains to Freeman that it looks like his mom has truly mended her ways, when an explosion rocks the ship. The queen’s retinue tell Billups that his mother’s dead. Dr. T’Ana informs Ensign Tendi that Rutherford is also dead. She feels desperately guilty because she encouraged him to go on this mission.
Down on the crash planet, Boimler and Mariner come across a ship with functioning engines, but with non-functioning doors. AGIMUS offers to force the doors open, if they’d only just plug him in. Mariner refuses. Boimler upbraids her for this and she explodes all over him, saying this kind of naivete was why she got him reassigned. He leaps on top of her and they begin to fight. He trains a phaser on her, she taunts him, and he fires, stunning her. Then he scoops up AGIMUS and they board the ship.
On the Cerritos, Billups tearfully informs Captain Freeman that his homeworld lacks a leader. He now has two royal bodyguards who are extremely attractive representatives of the two most popular genders, and to seal his royal coronation, he must perform the reproductive act with one or both.
Meanwhile, Tendi uses the computer to locate Rutherford’s cyborg implant and goes to fetch it, hoping to preserve some small part of him. However, she finds him in a sumptuous banquet hall having a feast. Queen Paolana’s here too: it was all a scam, intended to destroy Billups’s career and virginity. “Billups loves his virginity!” cries Rutherford, and they rush out to cockblock him.
Rutherford scrambles through a ship full of various medieval fantasy-themed sight gags. Thanks to Billups’s nerve-induced performance issues, Rutherford gets there in time to stop him from fulfilling in ill-fated copulation.
Boimler takes AGIMUS on the ship. Mariner shortly comes to and follows him inside, arriving too late to keep Boimler from plugging AGIMUS into a console. AGIMUS cries out in triumph, declaring that he’ll use the ship’s components to build a new fleet of murder-drones and reestablish his power.
Boimler, however, tells him this was all a ruse: he fought with Mariner and stunned her to get AGIMUS to trust him, all the while planning to use his battery to send out a distress signal. AGIMUS isn’t plugged into anything more important than a dimmer switch, which AGIMUS impotently flicks on and off in frustration. Mariner expresses her approval at Boimler’s newfound ability to scheme, double-cross, and play fast and loose with his comrade’s bodily safety to get the job done.
Tendi and Rutherford make up, as do Mariner and Boimler. Queen Paolana gets a good telling-off, and AGIMUS gets shipped off to the Daystrom Institute and locked in a warehouse with a whole multitude of evil omnipotent AIs, who all start bickering with each other.
Next episode: The Cerritos has a containment breach docking with the fantasy ship and suffers a fairy infestation. Billups accidentally becomes king while trying to navigate around someone in a narrow airplane aisle.