Enterprise “Two Days and Two Nights” (part 2 of 4)

In the shuttlecraft, Archer asks the crew if they have big plans. Travis Mayweather, wearing an indescribably horrendous shirt, coyly says he intends to go rock climbing. Rock climbing? On Risa? I’m by no means the expert on pleasure planets here, but I thought people went to Risa for a somewhat different purpose. Say, getting their rocks off.

Caption contributed by Number One

There is nothing wrong with your monitor. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. You are about to experience the awe and mystery that is Travis Mayweather’s fashion sense.

Archer asks Malcolm Reed (who turns out to be a Brit, hurrah!) what his plans are. He responds that Risa is a very “cosmopolitan” place, and that there are species visiting from “all over”. It’s a fairly innocuous statement on the page, but on the screen, it’s dripping with saucy innuendo, and accompanied by a conspiratorial eyebrow waggle. Well, at least someone knows what Risa’s really for. (Even though I’d be remiss in not mentioning that my gaydar has gone off the scale over this man.)

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Trip Tucker adds that he and Malcolm are planning to “expand [their] cultural horizons”. Oo-er! Travis looks visibly embarrassed by this, bless him.

Hoshi predictably chips in with the old “is that all you boys think about?” line that girls in these scenes usually get saddled with. Trip retorts, “How we choose to relax is our own business,” and he and Malcolm chuckle creepily. Yeck.

Hoshi says that she plans on doing something “constructive” with her time, despite the fact that no one asked—and with good reason, I’m guessing. She says that basically, she’s planning to practise her linguistic skills, because she’s let her 38 [!] languages slide lately. 38?! Someone please back me up in my assertion that this is a preposterous number of languages for one person to be fluent in.

So, based on this little exchange, I’m guessing that Hoshi Sato is your typical over-achieving, uptight brainbox, am I right? Looks like it’s going to be a real competition between her and T’Pol as to who can get on my last nerve the quickest. After some more pervy chuckling from Malcolm and Trip about how they won’t be “wasting time talking,” Travis asks Archer what he plans to do.

Archer says he’s never been one for vacations, but he rented himself a villa overlooking the ocean, and “Porthos and I are going to relax.” And if Malcolm Reed had delivered this line, Paramount would have been inundated with outraged letters from animal lovers everywhere.

Caption contributed by Number One

Archer tries to contain his excitement at the prospect of yet another Risa episode.

Back on the Enterprise, it looks like Dr. Phlox is preparing to go into hibernation. I guess this is a trait of the Denobulans—I haven’t encountered this species before now. T’Pol is being what I already know beyond a shadow of a doubt is her usual self (snide, superior, and haughty). She asks Phlox what they’ll do if someone needs medical attention while he’s hibernating, to which he breezily responds that his assistant can take care of things. Said assistant chirps in with, “I know where the bandages are!”

And I have to ask, is everything that happens in this episode going to be clearly signposted from roughly 40 million light-years away? I mean, I’d heard that Enterprise was a fairly, uh, accessible show, but so far this is coming across more simplistic than a lot of children’s science fiction shows I can think of. Like, say, Doctor Who. I’ve read fanfiction with more involved, intelligent story development than this, and I’m talking about fanfiction where the story itself is just window dressing for all the sex.

[Editor’s Note: The doctor’s assistant is Crewman Cutler, who expressed some romantic interest in Phlox in a prior episode, which explains why the two of them are pretty touchy-feely here. Cutler is played by the late Kellie Waymire, best known for a recurring role on Six Feet Under. She died suddenly at age 35, due to cardiac arrhythmia. Rick Berman once talked about paying tribute to her on the show in some way, but much like everything else on Enterprise, the producers never followed through. —Albert]

As Phlox heads off to sleep, he tells T’Pol to wake him only in an emergency. She gives him the eyebrow, and Phlox goes to bed. T’Pol says, “Pleasant dreams, Doctor,” by which I assume she means she’s going to stab him repeatedly in his sleep.

Meanwhile on Risa, Archer somewhat morosely checks in to his villa. He asks Porthos what he thinks. Porthos wisely remains silent on the subject.

[Editor’s Note: In the only real nod to other Risa episodes (other than the craptacular wall coming up later), the door control is shaped like a Horga’hn. Which just goes to show that sometimes, throwing a bone to the hardcore fans is not a good thing. —Albert]

Archer notices a box on the coffee table. A little card on top reads, “Something to relax you. —T’Pol.” Get the hell out of there, Archer! It’s a mail bomb! Well, almost. It turns out to be a book on the teachings of Surak, a somewhat weighty tome, which is no doubt ideal for helping a person relax all the way to a deep, uninterrupted 12 hours of sleep.

Should I even bother to ask how T’Pol managed to get the book on the table for Archer to find? She would’ve had to steal his key to the villa, sneak off in a shuttlecraft, break in, plant the book, then hightail it back without anyone noticing her, or the shuttlecraft’s, absence.

Caption contributed by Number One

Ugh, the Gideon’s Bible of the future.

Seemingly unimpressed by the book, Archer glumly wanders out onto the balcony, and takes a look at the embarrassingly naff CGI view. Archer hears a squeaking sound, looks down, and notices a horrid little yapping dog on another balcony nearby. And then a blonde in a nasty pink sarong—presumably This Week’s Love Interest—strolls out and asks the yapping dog what his problem is. She locks eyes with Archer. He stiffens. (Heh heh. Oh shut up, you try adding interest to this scene without resorting to double entendre.) She looks at him approvingly, and sashays back indoors. Well, this is dull.

Suddenly, we’re in some sort of nightclub with heavy beats and people in red fishnet tops. Trip and Malcolm are lurking here, checking out the talent and looking for all the world like a couple of sex offenders planning their next crime. They make disparaging remarks about a woman with multiple eyes, and they’re so slimy during this exchange that they might as well be draped in seaweed. And Trip is so lacking in shame that he even does the “you interested in him or me?” point back and forth between himself and Malcolm.

Caption contributed by Albert

What is love! Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…

Things momentarily look up when Malcolm says, “Now she looks interesting,” to which Trip responds, “I don’t think ‘she’ is the right pronoun.” See? What did my gaydar tell you? They then raise a toast to their combined sliminess, and we’re back on the balcony of Archer’s villa.

Fucking hell, this is boring. You people really weren’t kidding, were you? Not that I ever doubted you, but can we just admit that we’ve reached a unanimous conclusion on the tediousness of Enterprise, so I can take a bath in some bleach and attempt to erase my memory of this torturous ten minutes with copious amounts of alcohol? No? Shit.

It looks like Archer is just as bored, because he’s having a crack at the teachings of Surak. I’m almost envious of him—I bet Surak’s way more entertaining than this script. Meanwhile, Porthos looks like he’s contemplating suicide.

Caption contributed by Number One

Hang in there, little buddy.

Archer goes to pour himself another drink, but when he gets back, Porthos is facing off against the yapping dog from next door, who somehow found a way onto Archer’s balcony. The doorbell rings. Gee, I wonder who this could be? Oh, what a surprise, it’s This Week’s Love Interest, looking for her dog. They shake hands, introduce themselves (her name is “Keyla”), make small talk, it’s fucking boring.

Archer says his “science officer” told him to relax, to which Keyla says, “You should always listen to your science officer!” Could this be T’Pol in disguise, hoping to get close to Archer so she can brutally murder him when he’s least expecting it?

Then there’s a super-awkward moment when Archer asks Keyla to recommend a restaurant, which she does, leaving a long, obvious pause for him to invite her, which he utterly fails to do. Good ol’ Take Charge Archer strikes once again. What gives, Jon? Luckily, he gets a clue just as she’s on her way out, and asks her to join him.

“You’re not here with your science officer?” she asks. What’s the obsession with science officers here? I mean, I’d be pretty anxious to make sure T’Pol wasn’t within in a ten mile radius, too, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. Keyla says she’s busy tonight, but they make a date for the next day, whoopie.

Caption contributed by Number One

Come to Risa and see the beautiful green screen effects! Also, there’s a gag in here about a whiny little bitch if you dig deep enough.

Number One

Number One was created by two computer geeks using a Memotech MX512, some wrinkled old copies of Hustler and a wind machine. She enjoys propping her breasts up with pink lamé and empowering naive, socially inept sci-fi nerds. Actually, the latter of those two sentences is sort of true.

Multi-Part Article: Enterprise "Two Days and Two Nights"

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